In Bermuda, there are always two explanations for everything. There’s the truth, which hardly anyone ever credits, and there’s a secondary, conspiracy-theory style explanation. In that regard, I can deny a rumour that has been sweeping the Island this week. We do not have a new national anthem, and if we did, it wouldn’t be “How Great You Art” (geddit?).

One of the most widely-repeated conspiracy theories involves this newspaper. Some people think we have nothing better to do than to sit around and plot the downfall of the PLP or the UBP or some kind of P, when nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve worked here in various capacities since 1983, and almost everyone who works here does so in an atmosphere of enquiry, in which the truth is paramount, and one of almost permanent exhaustion, because newspaper work is so gruelling.

As a newspaper columnist, I have a responsibility to hew fairly closely to the official explanation, unless I have proof that it’s a lie. If I were to start ranting (yes, start) about how everyone is out to get us, I’d be like those people who see little green men at every turn.

I just don’t believe that the great organs of government spend most of their time chasing down individuals, at least not in Bermuda.

But some people believe what they choose to believe. This world contains a variety of opinions, and from time to time this column tries to reflect the views of others, as a public service. This is one of those weeks.

“Why are you surprised at government incompetence in the areas of airport security and international financial management?” wrote a reader a couple of weeks ago.

He continued: “How about education, where kids can go to school for 10 years and yet not be able to read or write; how about drugs, where government cannot keep them out of prison, far less off the streets; how about traffic rules which are flouted by all? One could go on but as Saint Augustine once said, ‘Put no faith in salvation through the political order’.

“I think you know as well as I do that security is one of the most effective cards bureaucrats play to justify the growth of government.

“That is one (but only one) reason why we have such pointless checks at airports. Dwight Eisenhower once said: ‘If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care, and so on. The only thing lacking … is freedom.’ And you can get drugs more easily and at cheaper cost.”

The letter concluded: “There is always an inverse relationship between the size of government and the amount of freedom we enjoy. As government expands, freedom shrinks. As government shrinks, freedom expands. Less government, more freedom. It is really that simple.”

Another reader wrote:

“Would it make sense to write an article about the incredible practice of all credit card companies to charge OUTRAGEOUS interest rates on outstanding amounts (my HSBC MasterCard quotes 18 percent per annum or 1.5 percent per month)?

“Harry Schultz used to write a column (his most popular) under the heading ‘Banks Stink’ many years ago, and it seems nothing has changed. These charges are all the more outrageous - if they were made by a loan shark, they would be classed as criminal - when the invoices demanding payment often arrive many days or weeks later than the ‘pay-by’ date, (which can be) caused by the just-as-outrageous snail service called the Bermuda Post Office.

“I happened to speak to a former Post Office head (who retired some years ago), who said that the service has gone bonkers. If you mail a letter in Somerset to someone in Somerset, it has to go to the airport first, and then ultimately back to Somerset. Under his regime, he told me, local parish mail would go to local addresses and non-local parish mail would go to Hamilton for clearing and then be sent east or west.

“In my experience, mail is delivered in the UK usually within 24 hours, at most 48 hours. In Switzerland, to my knowledge, it’s the same. How come little Bermuda is so pathetically behind the eight ball?”

Another reader addressed the taxi problem I mentioned last week, and combined it with a classic conspiracy theory.

“Government protects the taxi drivers because they need their votes,” the reader wrote. “I know how to solve the taxi problem. Issue 500 more taxi licences. Taxi drivers don’t need to read or write, so there’d be plenty of applicants. Banks could grant loans against the cost of the taxis and the amount of traffic on Bermuda’s roads would decline significantly. And it would stop you whining too.”

No chance of that, friend. I have appointed myself whiner-in-chief of all the Bermudas. I will, however, stop whining next week and concentrate on some positive advice for how to get rich slowly, which was my original mission before I veered into full-time raving.

If you think they’re out to get you, they’re not. I’ve been sounding off for years and only three people have ever tried to close me down, none of them in an official capacity. The Bermuda Government, under both major parties, has granted every work permit for which my employer has applied, even when I have been shooting holes in things politicians have said. Half the time, even I think I should be closed down, but the Gummint never has. If they’re not out to get me, the chances are they’re not out to get you either.

Not even the taxi drivers came after me this week, although I did rather fear a tyre-iron to the back of the head when I was least expecting it. That, or a smack in the face from a giant boob belonging to a CITV presenter. No such luck. Oh well. Can’t have everything.

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A couple of weeks ago, I became aerated over a Hamilton restaurant leaving its credit card slips open so that people might add a tip on top of the service that had already been added. Rhonda Daniels of Consumer Affairs swung into action. It transpired that, in changing its billing systems, the restaurant had made an honest mistake, which it has now fixed. All credit to the restaurant and to the estimable Ms Daniels. See? The system works.

* * *

I am told that the mainlanders enjoyed some sort of festival of golfing this week. I am also told that the thing was held at the exclusive Mid-Ocean Club and not a single black golfer took part, and no Bermudians either - only white expats, who of course earned mega-bucks for hardly any work at all!

I am outraged. Where was CURE in all this? Where were the Bermudian Johnnies training to replace the South American Angels? What’s the point of having a policy if it’s not enforced?

Worse, only white balls were used. Haven’t we had enough white balls in this community? Thank goodness none of my tax money was used to support this beastly affair.

And where was the Attorney General, Philip “Loose Lips” Perinchief, with his $50,000 fines and unwarranted accusations? A nation demands to know.