As The Bermudian magazine celebrates 15 years of the Best of Bermuda Gold Awards, here in this cold, damp cave, away from the balloons and the back-slapping, your bitter columnist nurses his bile.

Passed over for both best local website and best newspaper columnist, I've become a twisted shadow of my former self. Crouched in the darkness, my skin grey and translucent, my hair thin and lank, my eyes like pale saucers, I cradle my precious: an onion, rotten and pungent.

It's time to peel back its putrid layers:

Premier Alex Scott, for suggesting that if Bermuda chooses Independence, "our soccer team will be better, our businessmen will be more effective, our teachers will teach longer and they will be doing it ? yes ? for self and country. And probably will come a point when they will be doing it for country first? The employer will get a better employee". He later claimed that it would also boost tourism (as we could host UN conferences) and that we'd have more success fighting crime. What a great leap forward!

PLP backbencher Derrick Burgess, for suggesting that UBP MP Patricia Gordon-Pamplin was "the maidservant of her master".

Last week's power outage, which left Hamilton without electricity for the best part of four days. Although even the US and the UK have suffered from blackouts in recent years, this wasn't good for an Island whose prosperity is almost wholly dependent on international business.

The Government, for taking 99 days to confirm that the qualifications of Bermuda College education officer Abdallah Ahad were false and fire him. Closely followed by the Corporation of Hamilton for taking over six months to unveil Will Collieson and Jade Minors' wonderful statue of the bulls outside Bull's Head parking lot.

In August, 2004, the Shelly Bay Marketplace was selling 2-year old copies of Um Um Magazine. Worse, I accidentally bought one of them. In February 2005 the same store had a six-month old copy of The Economist on display (this time I avoided it). Useful to historians, useless to me.

The Bermuda Hospital Board's decision to rename St. Brendan's Hospital the Mid-Atlantic Wellness Institute, in the hope that it would somehow eliminate the stigma of mental illness. What a bunch of nutters.

Bishop Goodwin Smith, for suggesting that there was no difference between paedophiles and homosexuals.

"Basically these are perverted people," he said. He went on to argue that allowing homosexuals to rent wherever they want to rent would be giving them "a special class of rights" that would take rights away from a landlord. I couldn't agree more. Next they'll be saying that black people should be allowed to rent wherever they want too.

The 35 kph speed limit, which continues to be flouted daily by almost everyone. Even the police don't care. Honourable mention: the law banning the sale of alcohol in grocery stores on Sundays. Hello? What century are we living in?

The Government's Department of Communication and Information, for issuing a press release condemning a contributor to A Limey In Bermuda for giving the Premier's e-mail address as his own. "Unprofessional and unethical," it thundered, warning that anyone who "succumbed to the actions being recommended by this user" could be traced electronically. "[We will request of Mr. Wells that he rectifies the situation," it concluded. They never did.

The Government's decision to put a pair of giant crown and anchor dice on the roundabout by Swing Bridge in . Wouldn't the run-up to Cup Match have been more appropriate? Besides, I thought they disapproved of gambling?

The traffic cop who, back in January, stuck a parking ticket to the window of GP2, the car of Deputy Premier Dr. Ewart Brown, parked on double-yellow lines outside Little Venice. Guess we won't be seeing him as Commissioner any time soon.

Bishop Ewen Ratteray, for refusing to renew the work permit of one of Bermuda's best-loved clergymen, Canon Alan Tilson (named Bermuda's best pastor by The Bermudian). Apparently the parish "needed a change" and "the time had come to move on". Looks like the Anglican Church needs a change of bishop too.

Square One, for refusing to comment publicly about why Ayo Johnson was refused admission to their VIP room. While there may have been a perfectly reasonable explanation, their refusal to clarify the situation led some to question what their door policy really is.

That Limey In Bermuda. All he does is complain!

Commiserations to all the winners, and may the Worst of Bermuda Awards continue to encourage and inspire all to keep reaching for mediocrity.