Dear Dr. Rimm: My two-year-old son is a biter. He mostly bites me (his mother), but has bitten playmates at his babysitter's house.

I've tried everything from time-outs, yelling, showing him the bite marks, talking about it and telling him that if he's upset to say no. If someone takes his toy, I tell him to tell his babysitter. People suggest biting him or spanking him for this behaviour, but I will not use those options. When we talk, he understands that he's not to bite people. When I ask him what he'll do if a child takes his toy at the babysitter's, he tells me he'll tell the babysitter. He knows that biting isn't nice. We just had a three-month break from his last biting episode. However, it started up again when a child at his daycare bit him. I'm very troubled with this behaviour and don't know what else to do.

Reply: I'm glad you've refused to bite him back or spank him; although I admit that sometimes those options work. As you've seen from the new incident at school, they often backfire and cause children to become more aggressive. You've explained, and I expect that he now understands your words, but hasn't learned the self-control to "stop, think and use his words".

Those are advice words that we use a lot with two-year-olds. You'll want to repeat them each time he bites and time him out alone for a few minutes. Be sure you or his babysitter have a disappointed or angry expression on your face when you time him out, so he knows he hasn't pleased you. It may take half a dozen times before he understands and stops biting. Not only that, even after he stops, if he's particularly tired or frustrated, it could temporarily recur. Eventually he'll stop. The more verbal he becomes, the less likely he is to bite. Words are more effective and won't get him into trouble.

Dear Dr. Rimm: A friend of mine confided in me that her six-year-old continues to have bowel-movement accidents and may be prevented from entering kindergarten in the fall. I've listened to her strategies, and she seems to be doing the things that I did with my own children and grandchildren, but for some reason he's resistant to independently using the bathroom. A paediatrician has evaluated him. Do you have any suggestions for toilet training older children?

Reply: A fair number of children are resistant to bowel training for reasons they can't quite understand or explain to adults. I'm glad your friend has checked with the child's paediatrician, because ruling out physical problems is the first priority. By age six, it's unusual for a child not to have bowel control. I usually suggest that the parent buy a small present the child really wants and leave it on a high shelf, where the child can see it, but can't have it until his first successful bowel movement in the potty.

In addition, the parent can encourage the boy to sit on the potty for ten minutes around the time he usually has his bowel movement. She can read to him, or he can look at books during that time. Hopefully, he'll be successful. Once he has one success, he'll probably continue to be successful, and he'll be unlikely to need further presents. I can imagine that a school might consider this a difficult problem to cope with, but hopefully his eagerness to attend school will also motivate him to part with his treasure.

Dear Dr. Rimm: I have a five-year-old daughter who cries when she can't do something she wants. I usually send her to her room, and she has tantrums where she screams and cries for more than two hours without stopping. I never give in, but she continues to cry. She only does this when she's at home. I can't handle the hours of crying. This has been going on for at least three years. How long am I supposed to wait it out?

Reply: Your daughter's continuous crying is extremely unusual, and if you truly haven't given in to her, there has to be something else that's prolonging her crying. Usually you would expect no more than ten or 15 minutes of tears before kids have calmed and are ready to come out, and then the crying episodes only continue for a few days. I'll mention a few possibilities that have prolonged crying for other children to see if any of them are the culprits.

If you continue to talk to your daughter while she's crying in her room, that will prolong it. If she's heard you and her father or grandmother disagreeing about the use of time-outs, that will cancel the effectiveness of them. If she hears you talking to other adults about her long temper-tantrums, that will cause her to feel that she can't stop them. And finally, if, when she eventually stops crying, you hug and kiss her and tell her how much you love her, that, too, will extend and increase the crying. Hopefully, one or two of these things are happening and you can change them.

If none of these work, there may be a more serious problem that needs evaluation by a psychologist, so I would suggest going for further help.

Dear Dr. Rimm: I haven't been able to find much helpful information on how to raise a child after the death of a parent.

My daughter, who is now five, was three when her father passed away unexpectedly. She has a brother who is 13 years older, so I'm not a first-time parent, just going it alone this time. I think I'm doing pretty well, but am always open to advice from people who've been in this situation.

Reply: I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This has to be very difficult for you. Although fathers are very important for girls, the prognosis for raising your daughter successfully, despite the loss of her father, can be very good. I don't mean to put more pressure on you, but it's important for you to find sufficient support during this difficult time in your life. How you deal with your grief and loss will have a great impact on your daughter, and she'll remember very little about her father. She'll certainly miss having a dad, but you can help her with her loss by telling her stories of him, especially recalling happy times together. You can occasionally mention that her dad would be proud of what she's doing. Since I assume it is only the two of you at home now, it will be important not to treat her like an adult or confide too much in her as if she were a partner. It's also important to keep your adult life active and happy. It's possible, with time, that you'll remarry, and that will cause her to readjust again.

In contrast, your 18-year-old son may truly be grieving and struggling. He certainly remembers his father well and has lost him during adolescence, which is a very difficult time for children to experience such losses. The book "When Someone Dies" (Sharon Greenlee, 1992) is a good one for you to read together. It would also be a good idea for him to do some counseling if he hasn't already. I expect he's either at college or will be going next year. College brings many life adjustments, so that added to his great loss can cause some great tensions.