THE TURBULENT General Election campaign is now behind us and the Christmas Season is upon us. As is my custom at this time of year, I'm abandoning the cut-and-thrust of current events and the hard talk on issues of the day that normally dominate this Commentary column. Instead, I will be poking a little fun at Bermudian public figures about what they might expect to receive from me in their Christmas stockings. But given the extent to which politics has dominated the Bermudian agenda in 2007, expect this list to be top-heavy with politicians this year.

As protocol dictates, I begin at the very top of Bermudian officialdom with the new, British-appointed Governor Sir Richard Gozney who was just sworn into office earlier this month. Based on his first official speech, Sir Richard appears to really want to connect with the Bermudian people. He cited the late Dame Lois Browne Evans as one of Bermuda's greatest political and social icons and went on to say her views on the Bermudian cultural milieu would definitely influence how he fulfills the responsibilities of his new office. At his swearing-in ceremony, decked out in the traditional white suit and the infamous plumed hat that tourists love but which all Governors hate having to wear at state occasions, Sir Richard looked somewhat uncomfortable. So for this would-be man of the Bermudian people, I have selected genuine Gombey headdress: if the poor man has to wear a feathered hat in public, it might as well be a more colourful - and truly Bermudian - one.

Now, as far as Premier Ewart Brown is concerned I would argue that he has already received his Christmas gift in the form of Tuesday's election result. However, there's another present I think I can safely assume he would like to find in his stocking on Christmas morning. And that is an official Government jet - a Bermudian answer to Airforce One - that he can use during all of the trips he makes around the world pursuing the island's interests with international leaders. What should we call such a plane? Why Gombey Two, of course, given the Premier's home is already called "Gombey House".

What, oh what, shall I choose for former UBP Leader Michael Dunkley who lost to PLP MP Patrice Minors when he challenged her in a constituency that includes areas once represented by the late and much lamented Dame Lois? It was made clear earlier this year that "The Milkman" doesn't have much luck when it comes to flying: remember he was unable to attend Dame Lois' funeral because a flight he was on suffered from mechanical difficulties and had to return to the US. So, for Mr. Dunkley, an open-ended cruise for two - to nowhere. Perhaps I should also throw in a copy of Evan S. Connell's classic Custer biography Son Of The Morning Star so he has something to read on his voyage - although it's too late now for Mr. Dunkley to act on any of the lessons he might learn from that book.

For Mrs. Minors, who saw off the threat of Mr. Dunkley in what I correctly anticipated would be "The Milkman's" answer to Custer's Last Stand at the Battle of the Little Big Horn, her own war bonnet - and leadership of her own tribe of all-female warriors. And for Davida Morris, who took the PLP cause into the UBP heartland of Paget East, I think she deserves to be the Number One Brave to Mrs. Minors' Chief in this new Amazon tribe. While we are on the subject of military affairs, all manner of decorations need to be pinned to the chests of the HOTT 107.5 staff and the personnel at CITV (as well as the PLP's anonymous cyber-space warriors) who took the battle for political even-handedness to the airwaves and to the UBP-dominated Bermuda blogs.

Before I move too far away from officialdom, I must not overlook former Governor Sir John Vereker. Although he recently vacated Government House, his appointment to the board of directors of XL Capital Ltd. means he will still be spending a considerable amount of time in Bermuda. So for him a copy of the local magazine New Resident. After all, he is now about to become just another corporate expatriate rather than Bermuda's Expatriate-In-Chief so he'll have to rapidly familiarise himself with all manner of things - from rents to ferry schedules - that he never had to bother with as Governor. For his wife, the always cheerful Lady Vereker, a day of beauty at one of Bermuda's top spas or salons: I know this might amount to an exercise in "Gilding The Lily" but even attractive and charming individuals deserve to be pampered and made to feel even more attractive and charming from time to time.

Speaking of diplomats, although US Consul General Gregory Slayton is a political appointee of President George W. Bush (not a practitioner of my type of politics) nevertheless he has been a good friend to Bermuda. He's done a lot of good for the island in terms of opening Congressional doors for our leaders in Washington, DC. His term here will almost certainly come to an end next November when the United States elects a new President. Now, we all know Mr. Slayton has a thing for baseball caps - they have become his trademark in Bermuda. So for him, another Gombey headdress (I wounder if I'll get a discount for buying them in bulk!) like the one I'm giving to Sir Richard Gozney this year. Mr. Slayton has certainly earned it. He has arguably done more on behalf of Bermuda on the international front in recent years than our British Governors. One thing, though, Mr. Slayton: when you leave the island promise to send me a photo of yourself standing on the steps of the Capitol Building in Washington sporting your Gombey headwear.

For erstwhile East End MP and former Premier Dame Jennifer Smith, the Order of the Broom for seeing off a spirited challenge in her constituency from the UBP's Kenny Bascome. Former St. David's MP and part-time weathergirl on ZBM Suzann Roberts-Holhouser is obviously in the job market so maybe the Bermuda Broadcasting Company could now promote her to the news team For Lovita Foggo, who defeated Mrs. Holshouser, the official creation of Bermuda's tenth parish - St. David's. For Zane DeSilva, the triumphant PLP Parliamentary candidate in Southampton East Central, you have earned the honorary title "White Soul Brother Number One."

For all of the UBP candidates - particularly the black ones - who either lost their Parliamentary seats on Tuesday or who unsuccessfully challenged incumbent PLP MPs a copy of the book I co-authored with Leleath Bailey, Labour On The March.

After reading this overview of modern Bermudian history you will come to realise why you can no longer run an election campaign based on bribes in the form of concerts, bags of grocery, bottled water and general appeals to what you assume is the lower intellectual capacity of your fellow Bermudians.

For the lobby group calling itself Reality On Independence, which ran a stealth anti-Independence campaign based on falsehoods as an adjunct to the election campaig, in the hopes it was going to influence Bermudians not to vote for the PLP, copies of the book The Rise And Fall Of The British Empire by Lawrence James. This tome will help you to understand how unpatriotic - how unBermudian - your behaviour has been in wanting to keep Bermuda a British Overseas Territory,

For all of the disappointed UBP supporters, calm waters as you embark on your long swims away from a Bermuda you believe to be terminally blighted as a consequence of the election results (but don't worry, I'm sure the Government will position its fleet of fast ferries off our shores to pick up any of you who change your minds).

As is so often the case in Bermuda, there are two prominent Bermudians whose public disagreements seem to be intractable the only way to settle them would seem to be by way of a duel. On this occasion it is Immigration Minister Derrick Burgess and Auditor General Larry Dennis who are at odds. I say why waste time and money on cadres of lawyers when the dispute between them - stemming from those notorious Police files that found their way into the public domain - can be settled on the beach at Fort St. Catherine at dawn. The weapons, of course, will be water pistols. Back to back, gentlemen, walk five paces, turn and fire. The loser, of course, has to buy the winner and the seconds on both sides a cod fish and potatoes breakfast. Then they have to shake hands and agree to politely disagree.

Apart from being the worldwide Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus, Christmas is above all a children's holiday. At least that is what it should be. And in that spirit, on behalf of myself, my children Dennis, Keisha and Kamiile and their children (those are the grandkids pictured with me below) Shannon, Kiyari, Anaya, Maya, Zhi and Urijah and also on behalf of my son- and daughter-in-law Dennis and Jacqui, I wish all of my readers the happiest of holiday seasons.