than many couples expect. Chris Gibbons talks to some experts about how to make the most of your marriage.

It's so easy, goes an old pop song, to fall in love. It's much harder to stay in love and stay happily married. Once the euphoria of the wedding day has subsided and the honeymoon pictures are stored away, many couples find their marriages in trouble sooner than they expected.

For some couples, the return to everyday life - and, perhaps for the first time, life with a permanent partner - brings new responsibilities and new stresses. The struggle to make ends meet financially can put strain on a new marriage, for example, as can the arrival of children. For other couples, the problems may be more serious. There may be adultery, or physical and verbal abuse. The party animal who was so much fun when you were dating may not be so funny now that you are literally left holding the baby or can't pay the bills.

And for one spouse or the other, there may come the stark realisation that they've simply made a mistake. Love, in its initial infatuating stage, can indeed be blind. The attrition rate in Bermuda is high. Despite more marriages than ever (905 in 1990, compared to 623 in 1982), there are more divorces - 205 were granted in 1990. The Island has a divorce rate of 3.6 per 1,000 population (1990 Government figures), compared to 4.7 in the US, 3.05 in Canada (1987) and 2.86 in the UK (1989). The divorce rate per 1,000 married people is even more revealing - 17.2 males and 17.4 females, compared to around 10 in the US and Canada and 13.4 in the UK. Couples are also divorcing younger and sooner than ever. Of the 205 divorces granted in Bermuda in 1990, 47 of the marriages had lasted less than five years, 67 of them between five and nine years. Around 75 percent of divorcees were aged between 20 and 34. So why are Bermudian couples rushing to the divorce court in such numbers? Do married couples here face any greater problems than couples in other western countries? "People in Bermuda spend a lot of energy making sure things look right on the outside instead of working on the inside,'' says Deborah Carr, executive director of the Employee Assistance Programme.

John Musson, M.S.W. of Ashton Associates, runs a series of on-going workshops for couples with fellow psychotherapist Noemie Rattray, M.A., Dip. Psych. and notes: "There are a lot of societal and economic pressures on couples here.

As most couples are working, it makes things more difficult as they start having children.'' Bermuda's smallness, wealth and vacation environment means appearances tend to be overemphasised. There is often a reluctance to admit things are wrong and expectations for personal happiness may be raised to unrealistic levels. All that may also becompounded by the Island's chronic drug and alcohol problems. Rattray agrees Bermuda's easy-come-easy-go lifestyle may be a contributing factor. "Relationships are hard work. That's what people don't expect. Maybe when you are spoiled materially, you expect things to come easy to you and you take things for granted. You don't think you have to work on a relationship and as a result, don't treat their partner with respect. Maybe it has to do with expecting things to come on a platter.'' Carr remains optimistic about marriage as an institution in Bermuda. "I think more and more people are beginning to work on their relationships and see the value of doing that. There may be a lot of external forces at work here. With the recession, people are having to deal with financial adversity; and the threat of Aids means that it is not as easy these days to swing into another relationship.'' In fact, Carr believes the fear of Aids is beginning to erode what she calls "the Bermuda triangle'' - husband, wife and significant other - "the biggest secret everyone knows in our society.'' But whatever the problem - and an affair itself is rarely the problem, but a symptom of what's not working in the marriage - help is available and an increasing number of couples are seeking it out, especially before marriage.

"When people come into my office and say, `I'm getting married and I'd like to talk about it,' I jump for joy,'' says Carr.

"I don't think going for counselling has been very fashionable in Bermuda,'' adds Carr. "Certainly not like in the States where it's fashionable to go to the latest psychiatrist. The fabric of society is changing here, but only slightly.'' Musson notes: "Bermudian men in particular have a difficulty expressing their anxieties in relationships. (Counsellor) David Gosling has made the point that there is a heavy emphasis in Bermuda in being the strong, macho male. He's strong, head of the family, not worried about anything but in reality that's a lot of bunk.'' Most churches offer pre-marital guidance ranging from informal discussions with the minister to organised workshops. But at that stage, admitted one clergyman, unless they have a strong religious background, many couples are in love with the ceremony without thinking deeply enough about the responsibilities. The Catholic Church, for example, goes to great lengths to ensure that couples are legally and psychologically free - i.e. not pressured -to marry. Local couples are encouraged to take part in an annual five-week marriage course that addresses finances and sexuality as well as spiritual matters. Father Frank Reitzel of St Patrick's Chuch in Smith's Parish conducts a pre-marital question-and-answer study with couples that he says helps identify strengths and weaknesses. "When two people are in love, they are often afraid of offending each others,'' he says. "But before marriage is the time to be honest with each other, sometimes brutally honest.'' At a time when the spiritual aspect of marriage is in question and the family unit is disintegrating, many churches have become more creative in their efforts to protect both.

Brother Derek Hamlin at the Church of Christ in Devonshire, for example, runs a weekly `married couples ministry' that is also open to non-church members and last year held a `romantic memories dinner' at which husbands were asked to describe a special romantic memory. The winners won a weekend for two at the Elbow Beach Hotel and, says Hamlin, "a lot of couples went home with the fires rekindled!'' The church is also starting an `adopt-a-couple' programme that will encourage couples to develop healthy relationships. "When you have someone to talk to who can be your sounding board, it helps to buffet you from day-to-day domestic challenges,'' says Brother Hamlin.

But when trouble does strike, the most important first step, say experts, is to recognise there is a problem and accept that it is going to take time to deal with it. "People are looking to kill the pain quickly when these things take time,'' says Deborah Carr.

At EAP, says Carr, "we are never in a position to tell people what to do.

That's a decision they have to make. We can help them by presenting a mirror to see what their options are. Relationships are important to people for different reasons. We're not judgmental of anybody's relationship. We're only here to help them solve the reasons for the discord. It's not a blame game.'' There is no secret to a happy marriage but most experts agree that communication is a key element. Without it, couples stand less chance of having their needs met or their concerns addressed by the other and inevitably leads to a loss of intimacy and understanding. Communication is one of what Father Reitzel calls the "trinity of destruction'', the others being honesty and money. Many couples' problems are rooted in their own family experiences as a child. Says Noemie Rattray: "You learn a lot from your family of origin.

A lot of people we see are from dysfunctional families where communication was bad as well, so they don't know what a good marriage or good communication is like. It's almost impossible for them to know how to relate in a healthy way.

It's like building a house when all the foundations are crooked.'' For example, if you learned as a child to keep your emotions to yourself, it is likely to cause conflict with a partner who was encouraged to express his feelings. Arguments over money management may stem from the fact that your family was frugal and your spouse's was free-spending; or when children arrive, your idea of motherhood or fatherhood may conflict with that of your spouse. "The family pattern is hard to break,'' says Deborah Carr. "Marriage is a partnership and successful relationships can be measured by the research people do about each other. There must be an acceptance of each other's uniqueness instead of their differences. You can't put a big enough price on honesty within a relationship. It can be painful, but it is key. If you or your spouse comes from a dysfunctional family, it's going to rear it's head sooner or later and it's better to be prepared.

"When a marriage dissolves quickly, it means research hasn't been done or there's a lack of maturity. If there is discord in a relationship, it is also an opportunity to grow. But if the opportunity is not taken, then one person may get tired of the other person not working on the relationship and may just give up.'' Noemie Rattray: "Unfortunately, if you've had a bad experience at home with your parents, it's very difficult to have a good marriage and it's very difficult to change that on your own. "Often when we explore a relationship, we find things were wrong from the word go. Sometimes a young man may be violent with his girlfriend or drink too much. But to the wife, who saw her mother beaten up it may appear normal.'' Or, says Musson, they see the relationship as being not as bad as their parents, therefore they think it's better or workable. "But they are at the start of a long history of poor communication and problems.'' People's definitions of `love' and `commitment' can also cause misunderstanding. Says Carr: "There are different forms of love -the love you have for your children and your parents. But this love is different. It's brand new. Love is something you have to work on. Love is also learning to love unconditionally. If you come from a family where love was conditional on what you did - `If you don't do such and such, I won't love you' - it's hard to go into a relationship when someone has a different definition of love. It sets up barriers for open communication. "What does commitment really mean? It's something that kind of looms on the wedding day and I don't think people realise how it works and what it means. It requires maturity and that happens along the way.'' Self-esteem is another key element in a successful relationship. Says Rattray: "In order for a couple to work well, the two members need to feel secure and feel good about themselves. If they are insecure or feel bad about themselves, it is very hard for them to have a good relationship. The `I' is as important as the `we' in a relationship. Either the `we' isn't there or they expect to be like Siamese twins and don't develop their own identities. There needs to be a balance.'' Women, in particular, says Carr, are learning the importance of self-esteem and taking care of themselves and that in itself is changing the fabric of modern relationships. "Women are no longer as accepting of behaviour that is destructive to them. They are learning to say, `I don't like that behaviour.

It doesn't mean I don't love you, but I won't accept it'.'' And she adds: "If you've got serious drug or alcohol problems and think getting married is going to resolve the issue, it's not. You should put yourself first. A relationship is not a panacea, or a magic bullet.'' The best way to avoid or resolve communication problems within a marriage is to make time for each other - and that's harder than it sounds. John Musson: "A lot of people say on the surface, `Oh, we do that', but when you explore that in detail, very often it's an illusion. They spend time maintaining their schedule. They very rarely have time to communicate. It's important that they communicate about issues that are important to them and to listen to what the other person is saying. You can't do that as one person is walking out the door.'' Couples should find time for each other on two levels: one to have fun together, and two, to really communicate. Carr recommends that couples set aside half an hour every night when the kids arein bed, the TV off and the phone off the hook, to simply talk.

"It should begin and end promptly on time,'' she says, "and in it, you should begin to effectively listen to the other person. Don't accept or reject what the other is saying, but listen and parrot back what they are saying. Use the time to bring up any problems or talk about positive things. If there is anything you feel uncomfortable about, take it in and say, `I'll get back to you next time'.'' Adela Ruberry, an EAP representative, adds: "People get very impatient for something to fix the pain quickly, instead of being a natural evolution in the relationship. It's important to give yourselves time to actively start the process. "Begin by reading. Find something that makes sense to you. "Find a couple or people that you like the way they act together and towards each other and spend some time with them.

"Take a look at family history. What did you do in your family? Compare it with your spouse's family. What did you like or not like about it? Look at the relationship's history. If you're not doing something now that you were before, why not? Do you want to go back to nurturing the relationship? "Then seek help from a professional. It may be as simple as learning to listen to somebody. And while the whole process is going on, learn to nurture the relationship and learn to compromise.'' Noemie Rattray concludes: "It's a shame couples don't work on their problems earlier instead of hoping it will go away. It's like a child with a bad mark on his or her school report card.

They hide it under the bed and hope it will go away. Unfortunately it snowballs and often people don't know how to cope with it until it's too late.'' BERMUDA DIVORCE STATICS Previous marital status of bride and groom Bride Groom Single 611 563 Divorced 271 309 Widowed 22 32 Total 905 905 Divorced women marrying single men: 86 Divorced men marrying single women: 132 Both previously divorced: 166 Age at divorce Male Female Total 205 205 Under 20 4 24 20-24 63 24 25-29 54 51 30-34 43 24 35-39 8 8 Over 40 15 4 Not stated 18 18 Duration of marriage Total divorces: 205 Under 5 years: 47 5-9 years: 67 10-14 years: 44 15-19 years: 22 20-24 years: 11 Over 25 years: 14 Reasons for divorce Total: 205 Unreasonable behaviour: 127 2 years separation with consent: 41 5 years separation: 20 Adultery and 2 years separation: 14 Not stated: 3 All figures 1990. Source: Bermuda Digest of Statistics upreme Court Registrar egistrar General.

RG MAGAZINE MARCH 1993