If you?re looking for a copy of the 2005 Throne Speech you probably won?t find it where you expect. Bermuda?s librarians and archivists face an interesting conundrum this year: just where should it be filed?

Convention suggests that it be categorised no differently than the myriad other Throne Speeches. However this year they might contemplate the appropriateness of that approach. A more efficient approach would be to classify it by one of the many genres it encompasses: fantasy, fiction, ancient history and self-help. Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde can?t hold a candle to our Premier.Throne Speeches are, by design, little more than lists of initiatives padded with flowery political verbosity. In that regard this instalment was a success, if not terribly predictable.

The goal, however, was much greater than the usual trumpeting of minor initiatives as mind boggling examples of political ingenuity; we can all agree that the PLP Government is proficient at that.

The ability to actually accomplish anything of note, or complete a project at all, on time or on budget, is what has been in short supply. Nowhere was that issue addressed. We were never told what has changed that will suddenly render Cabinet adept at public policy implementation. On this front the Premier and his Cabinet have failed miserably, by the speech?s own admission: ?The next phase of the Social Agenda will see the introduction of legislative and social initiatives designed to protect and sustain Bermuda?s growth, environment, economy and culture.?

Any guesses at what the first stage involved then? The mindlessly parroting of the phrase ?Social Agenda? and a glossy mailing come to mind. Even ?P? himself is lamenting the fact that, despite his underperforming Ministers best efforts, they haven?t been as mindless as he had hoped. The Premier?s recent public scolding of his Cabinet colleagues for not promoting his ?Social Agenda? enough confirms that. Perhaps it?s because there wasn?t ? and isn?t ? anything to promote? If you?re still a kind-hearted soul giving them the benefit of the doubt, get a load of this passage:

?Therefore, in the coming months, the Government will appoint respected members of the community and research groups to provide assistance to a newly established Social Agenda Management Resource Team (SAMRT). This Team will serve as a think tank to provide high level and independent advice from the private sector and wider community. The Team will also be utilised in the implementation and long-term management of the Social Agenda.?

To summarise: a year after the roll-out of the much-hyped ?all-encompassing, cross ministry, Social Agenda?, Government has realised they need to add some substance to the slogan.

Just how are they going to do this? By appointing a think tank. Why do they need a think tank? Well, to think for the ever-expanding Cabinet of course, in addition to implementing these as yet un-thought of initiatives. Why are we paying Cabinet then? To work the cocktail circuit and lounge in air-conditioned Music Festival luxury boxes?

The Social Agenda: found in the fantasy section of your local bookstore, right next to The NeverEnding Story.While fantasy is fun, fiction is an endearing genre, and the Throne Speech dabbled in that quite effectively. Credibility clearly wasn?t a concern, with Government hitching its wagon to that dead horse known as the Bermuda Independence Commission.

Referring to the Commission?s report, Premier Scott stated that the ?work of the Commission and the contribution by the public has left an indelible mark on Bermudian society?. An indelible mark? A scar might be more appropriate. But this Premier has never been one for facts. They?re so pass?.

Unashamedly then, the Government will plough ahead to ?educate? the public ? two-thirds of whom aren?t interested in Independence ? about BIC?s intentionally erroneous and dishonest conclusions through more public meetings.

Note to the Premier: the public knows what they think; BIC are the ones who failed the class and should be in detention. Drop it.

All this leads us quite nicely into the next genre of this dynamic piece of literature, one the Premier?s literary idols of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde would be hard-pressed to duplicate: Ancient History.Undoubtedly the most worrying but revealing initiative is the Orwellian pledge to launch a Government Information Television Channel, aka Propaganda TV.

Any pretence of the PLP?s move to the centre has just been blown away, with Alex Scott returning to his extremist roots and deciding to dive right back in and emulate his Cuban idol. Who said the Cuban Cultural Agreement isn?t bearing fruit? Granma, the state news agency, is going to take over Bermuda?s media.

Much like the Premier?s London announcement in 2004 when he announced his intention to retool Bermudian society through ?social engineering?, the idea of propagandising through state sponsored television stations is a long discredited relic of a long discarded communist era.

Whether this chilling effort at indoctrination goes ahead or not, the damage has been done. Alex Scott and his colleagues are so desperate to have someone, somewhere, anyone, anywhere, praise their lacklustre efforts that they?ve decided to do it for us.

The speeches equating of propaganda with Public Access to Information confirms that ?The Man? and his colleagues are political fossils frozen in a bygone era and a bygone ideology, one comprehensively discredited as fundamentally flawed and failed.

While the Premier was no doubt disappointed that Chairman Mao was unavailable to deliver the Throne Speech (due to his untimely death in 1976), and had to settle on Prince Andrew in his place, next year he should simply end the fa?ade and invite one of his ideological peers of Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez to do the honours ? if ?P? is still around, that is.

You can also find the 2005 Throne Speech right alongside Alex Scott?s copy of Karl Marx?s Communist Manifesto.Almost as notable as Government?s official foray into propaganda was the promise to tackle race. Like credibility, evidently sincerity wasn?t an issue either:

?? the Government will facilitate and support the Human Rights Commission, CURE and Non-Governmental Organisations in a major race relations initiative. Citizens Uprooting Racism in Bermuda ? or CURB ? will be the vehicle tasked with recommending to the Government tangible, achievable strategies for the elimination of racism?.

While it?s heart-warming to hear that the Government has now decided to support the Human Rights Commission and wants to eliminate racism, may I suggest that CURB implement a 12- step programme for Cabinet ? now that they?ve seen the error of their ways and are taking up the modern literary genre of self help:admit you have a problem confiscate the Premier?s blackberry/never let the Premier write his own apologies or place print adsnever allow a PLP MP to speak publiclydevelop new talking points for PLP MPs prevent the PLP from participating in election campaigns or producing radio advertisements keep trying to develop new talking points for PLP MPs pull the plug on Sen. Burch?s talk show don?t give up trying to develop new talking points for PLP MPs focus group led by Minister Dale Butler on the perils of stereotyping tell the Tourism Minister that the colour of a tourist?s money not skin matters hire a political consultant to develop new talking points for PLP MPs return to step 1

We should support the Government in their efforts to change their ways. But don?t forget, recovering addicts will fall off the wagon several times while they engage in the process of recovery. Be patient.

Or was that not what they were really getting at?