Bermuda is what to do with the portrait of her hanging in the City Hall.

It takes only a few telephone calls to art patrons across the Island to get to the nub of the problem.

"How could they possibly ask the Queen to look at that awful thing. Everybody loathes it,'' one said of the portrait which hangs near the bottom of the grand staircase.

"Quite honestly, I think it's a pretty awful thing,'' another said. "It's cadaverous.'' When the portrait was unveiled in 1987, the Bermuda Society of Arts called it "an artistic disappointment.'' Although nothing definite has been arranged, take it as truth that when the Queen visits City Hall, she will not see her portrait.

The painting by Canadian Mr. Curtis Hooper was commissioned in the mid-1980s by Bermudian Mr. W.F. (Chummy) Hayward, who presented it to the Corporation of Hamilton.

The dilemma for people involved in the Queen's upcoming visit is to avoid offending the generosity and spirit behind Mr. Hayward's gesture.

Yesterday, one person in the know said "something is in the works'' to have the painting "temporarily disappear''.

*** Mr. Paul Zar, Tourism's North America sales director, is the toast of the department after winning the celebrity event during International Race Weekend.

Mr. Zar flew in from his New York office especially for the event, after assistant director Mr. Randy Horton decided Tourism should be represented.

So what is the secret of his athletic prowess, unknown in Bermuda until now? Apparently it has been honed by the daily process of dodging Manhattan's buses, taxis and muggers.

"I've developed a certain survival skill,'' says Mr. Zar. "It's called the fight-or-flee response.

"Our environment is slightly harsher than Bermuda's, and I've learned to flee at considerable pace.'' *** It's enough to make any ex-public schoolboy and Oxbridge graduate choke over his G and T.

One can well imagine just-replaced Wedco chairman J.C. (Kit) Astwood, who comes from a correct military background and is partial to the occasional tipple, doing just that.

After all, if the rumour-mongers are correct, the manner in which the old Carthusian heard he had been toppled as Wedco's head was bad form of massive proportions.

Tradition and protocol dictate the outgoing boss of any Government board is informed by the appropriate Minister.

In this case it should have been Works Minister the Hon. Leonard Gibbons, who appeared to have had a momentary lapse of memory.

Instead Mr. Astwood, corporation chairman for more than eight years, learned about his demise from a senior Wedco official.

"It has really caused a stink,'' a source told us.

Mr. Astwood, of course, was keeping a stiff upper lip over matters, and politely declined to comment.