Question: My boyfriend teases his six-year-old daughter all the time, usually to the point where she becomes enraged and screams. Then he yells at her for yelling. He thinks it's funny and says he's doing it to "make her tough".

I've been in her life for five years now, and she's anything but tough. She doesn't trust him at all and usually doesn't trust anyone, including herself. She refuses to learn to ride a bike without training wheels and screams that she's too afraid of falling.

She lies, destroys things, argues about everything anyone says to her, and is generally very manipulative and sneaky.

This is agonising for me to watch, because she's an amazing, precocious, beautiful child who is, in my opinion, being ruined by the negative example she gets from her father. What can I do to help him understand the mistake he's making?

I know that he loves her, but I think he's just too immature and selfish to admit that the constant teasing is making her a very bitter, angry child.

Answer: I don't know enough about your boyfriend's daughter to advise specifically about her dad's teasing effect on her. In general, a little teasing does help children develop a sense of humor and some resilience. Too much teasing can inspire mistrust and cause young children uncertainty about what the person is communicating. It can also foster argumentativeness. So in theory you could be correct.

However, you may be blaming your boyfriend for more than he deserves. For example, many six-year-olds fear riding a bike without training wheels because they're certain they'll fall. It simply takes them time to get beyond that fear.

There may be other causes for her lying and destructive behaviour as well. The arguing usually has its roots in parents giving children too much power and choices or in parents allowing children to manipulate one parent against the other. Differences between your boyfriend and his ex-wife could certainly be the root of her arguing. I expect she experienced a fair amount of parental arguing before the divorce.

I don't think you'll convince your boyfriend to stop his teasing if you blame him for being too immature and selfish to admit that the teasing is the cause of her bitterness and anger.

However, if this amazing, precocious, beautiful child is screaming, arguing and lying, your boyfriend might learn a lot about how to raise her by taking her to a psychologist for an evaluation. She certainly has problems that will only get worse if he doesn't figure out what's causing them. It's unlikely that the teasing alone is the cause, but if you're going to be a stepmother to this child in the future, you may indeed wish to get her some help now.

Question: I have a ten-year-old daughter who's been the most independent kid I've ever met. She started walking at 11 months and talked before that; she is exceptional. We've always provided a very healthy and consistent environment for her, as well as for her seven-year-old brother.

We strive to provide structure, discipline and love for both equally, but my daughter is extremely attached to me. She adores her father, but she doesn't really mind him "having a life".

I, on the other hand, can't go to sleep before she does, and I can't go out without giving her a lengthy explanation. She seems to enjoy everything only if shared with me, including reading, watching TV, or going outside to play. She prefers to have no friends even when we encourage her to do so, and she won't go to sleepovers. I feel suffocated, but she's such a sweet and caring little person that my husband and I don't really know how to get her untangled from me without hurting her feelings. There's been no trauma, divorce, changes, or abuse in her life.

Fortunately, we've created a very stable environment for our children; therefore, I can't understand her behavior. Have you ever seen anything like this? If you could provide some advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

Answer: Your daughter's attachment is more like an enmeshment than a normal attachment. It no doubt is part of her temperament, as well as your extreme kindness. Your wish to not hurt your sensitive, sweet little girl has probably played a part in trapping her into such dependence, but that alone would not have caused the problem. Most 10-year-olds are delighted to play with friends, even when they thoroughly enjoy their mothers.

You should certainly let her know it's unhealthy and even babyish for her to depend on you for her entire social life, as it's unhealthy for you not to leave to enjoy your friends and husband's company minus the children. Absolutely, go to bed if you're tired, and you and your husband should ignore some of her crying and protesting about your departures.

Sometimes children become dependent on a parent because the parent has never allowed babysitters to care for the children. A more frequent babysitter, at least once a week, would help her adjust to you going out without her. However, if that isn't effective, I would suggest you consider taking her to a counselor who may discover other causes of her problem behaviors and can at least work with her on developing normal social skills.

It's also possible that your daughter has had some fear-providing experiences that she hasn't shared with you. A counselor might discover something beyond what your daughter has admitted.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.