Question: Our son just finished his first year at university. When his grades came in, he had failed all but one subject. His high school career was similar: pulling his grades up at the last minute, never doing homework and never completing his papers on time. He's likeable and seems fairly happy. His dad and I are beside ourselves. We don't know what to do next. He has no clear picture of his future, nor do we. Help!

Answer: Now is probably the opportunity for him to take time out to earn some money and find out about the real world. Passing only one college course after a history of high school underachievement suggests he requires more than just a little self-discipline.

There are many young people who haven't yet found their direction when they enrol in college. Taking a variety of courses is actually helpful to those who put forth effort. Working at a minimum-wage job could encourage your son to recognise that he might find more satisfying work if he earned a college degree.

He could also benefit by a psychoeducational evaluation and counseling before he attempts college again. He may be even more confused than you are and can use some help in discovering a direction.

Part of your son's evaluation should include an alcohol and drug assessment if you believe there's any reason for addiction concerns. Many college students party too much instead of learning, and while this may not be part of your son's problem, at least consider that possibility. Don't waste any more money on college tuition until your son sincerely commits to his education.

Question: I'm a high school student who's happy with my life, academics, and overall personality.

But I have a friend who's clinically depressed. His home life is not good at all: His mom and stepdad are divorcing; there's some irresponsibility on his mom's part, so he's taking care of his two-year-old half-brother; and he's moved countless times. Also, he has a job and is trying to do well in school.

He's also on antidepressants, but he's withdrawing from everyone at school; he doesn't feel like hanging out anymore, won't accept hugs and won't share what's going on with him.

We really care about him, as he's nice. But, it's hard hanging out with him because I always feel like a psychiatrist around him. I want to help him, and I try talking to him and letting him tell me his problems, but I don't know if he needs more serious help. He already goes to counselling, but he's more depressed this year than last year.

Answer: Don't desert your friend in his time of need, but help him understand you can't be his counsellor.

Fortunately, your friend is getting the counselling and medication he should have. Instead of spending all your time with him talking and you listening, try to be active together. Walks, runs or bike rides will be energizing for him. Telling jokes and laughing together can lighten his burden and be fun for everyone; even sitting around playing board games or cards can be an important diversion. If all else fails, a cheerful movie may lighten his mood.

Persevere with your friendly hugs to help him feel included. Sometimes you can be there for his tears, because he may need a shoulder to cry on from time to time, but you can't make that the only basis of your friendship. Instead, encourage him to tell his counselor about his desperate feelings.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio.

More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, PO Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com.