talk about King Edward VII Memorial Hospital -- he spent Christmas there with a minor foot infection.

"One keeps an eye on the product,'' said Mr. Darby who had only praise for the hospital, and denied rumours he was overheard griping about the food.

"I can't complain about anything. Mind you, there's nothing like a home-made Christmas dinner with your own family.'' It wasn't the first time the VSB News journalist had sampled the fare at KEMH.

A visit two years ago for treatment of a similar ailment was a fateful one.

"That's when (former executive director Mr.) Hume Martin came in and sat on the bed and said: `What can I do to improve Press relations at the hospital?' I suggested he appoint a consultant, and I nominated myself.'' Bermuda's nursery schools teach children many skills, but fortunately leave reading and writing to the primary level teachers. A newsletter recently sent to parents at one local nursery school warned of the dangers of "infectious deceases'' -- ailments which sound terrifyingly terminal.

"Any child with an infectious decease may not come back to school until they have a certificate of good health from their doctor,'' it said.

Frequent Horizons & Cottages visitor Mr. Peter McIlvenny caused a "near riot'' at the hotel when he appeared recently wearing a T-shirt reading: "We're all working for Mr. Sack.'' Mr. McIlvenny said the reference to the Paget hotel's manager, Mr. Wilhelm Sack, was "entirely appropriate'' when one considered the cost of the accommodations, which he considers the best on the Island. "It's not the cheapest hotel,'' Mr. McIvenny said. "A lot of businessmen come here, and we really are working for Mr. Sack.'' In any case, the T-shirt idea might help pay for the Englishman's vacation.

All the other guests have been placing orders.