Dear Dr. Rimm: We have three children, an 11-year-old boy, eight-year-old girl and a five-year-old boy. Our oldest child is one of the youngest kids in his suburban middle school's sixth-grade class. He's in gifted classes, is quite mature and gets straight A's. Our family believes in eating organic food, living environmentally consciously and not watching TV (except for an occasional cartoon or educational programme). We strictly limit video games in terms of type and usage time. There are many things that set my 11-year-old apart from his peers. I'm noticing that as he begins his middle-school experience, his differences with his peers are increasing, and I'm concerned about how this will impact his middle-school (and down the line, high school) experiences.

Do you have any thoughts on how we, as parents, can help him navigate these difficult years so that he will come out of them on the other side with his self-esteem and curiosity intact? I believe my 11-year-old would thrive in a small liberal arts college where he could pick and choose his classes, have the luxury of delving into areas of interest, questioning everything to his heart's desire, and where his individuality would be nurtured and cherished.

Reply: Although your son's environment is different than the majority of children in his school, I'm sure he's not the only child whose family has reduced the media impact on their children. On the other hand, media impact affects all children whether they have direct exposure or only hear what their peers are talking about. It's likely that your son does feel different in many ways and may even feel pressured to know more about the world of his peers.

Because there are others who share your son's interests and aren't as media driven, it will be helpful if he can find a small group of like-minded peers. There may be extracurricular activities, sports, or religious groups where he can feel like he has more similarities than differences, or at least where his differences don't seem important and he's valued more for himself. If he does find such a group, he's likely to be able to navigate the rough waters of middle, high school and college comfortably. That doesn't mean he won't feel some peer pressure or have some difficult times, but they are only part of growing up and hopefully will help him to become stronger and more resilient. While every child needs some protection from environmental pressures, it's best that he experiences some problems now while he's still at home to receive parental support.

While a small liberal arts college may be your son's choice, he may also respond well to a large university where he can find a neighbourhood of close friends who, again, share his values. It's too soon to determine the best fit for college, but colleges today, regardless of size, treat students as adults and expect them to take responsibility for their learning and requirements without parental assistance.

Dear Dr. Rimm: My 18-year-old daughter has had a penchant for minor lying since she was very young. She has been disciplined over the years and I warned her, from when she was very young, about using the "boy who cried wolf" story.

For the most part she's been very easy to raise and has been open with me. She has told me things that other teens do that the parents of these teens have no knowledge of.

Now my daughter is in college and out on her own. I tried hard to instil in her right from wrong, but for the first time I wish I was blissfully ignorant. I'm getting conflicting pictures of her. I expect her to cut loose somewhat now that she's in college, but I'm confused by who she really is. We have long conversations and she seems very together and says what I want to hear. Then I see pictures of her online, where she dresses provocatively, and I know she's drinking, (she's been open with me about that).

My latest concern is she and two other roommates bought tickets to a concert that is a three-hour drive from her school. My daughter shouldn't be driving the six-hour round trip because she doesn't have enough experience driving on the highway. Her roommate drives more, but she lives within an hour of school. I opened dialogue about this last week with my daughter and questioned her about the choice and responsibility of the drive. Her response was "I know". I'm sure they're going no matter what I say. I really want to call the parent of her roommate and tell her, but then I risk my daughter not telling me anything else in the future. Since my daughter is making this really bad choice I'm afraid to know how many other bad choices she's making. I feel like I'm dealing with two different people: one I can talk to on so many levels and the one who has a secret life. How should I deal with my adult daughter's bad decisions when I'm paying the bill for her to be free and independent?

Reply: It's frightening to let go of your children as they become young adults. If you've given her a car to take to college, you probably can't control where she drives it. Your greatest concern should be whether she will be drinking at this concert and driving back under the influence of alcohol. It's worth reminding her how crucial that issue is and although you've taught her that before, perhaps a last mention will be the one that pushes her to take the role of designated driver.

You can call your daughter's friend's mother privately to ask if she has any concerns. She may actually be reassuring, and, for your daughter, sharing the driving with her roommate might work out better for them. If you don't call, and there is an accident, you'll have serious regrets.

There's not a lot you can do about your daughter's socialising while she's in college. You can state your concerns to her, and you should. You can also emphasise to her how proud you are of the positive qualities she's developed. High expectations are effective for encouraging young people to avoid getting into trouble.