Dear Dr Nekia,

I’ve been dating someone who gives me mixed signals. He says that he cares about me and that he likes being with me but we hardly ever do more than just hang out at his place. If we do go out, it’s usually last-minute dates where he calls me up out of blue to ask if I am available.

We do have a nice time together whether we go out or are staying in, but our time together is not consistent and if he introduces me to his friends or someone he knows, he introduces me as a friend or ace girl. This kind of bothers me since we have been seeing one another for three months now.

We have spoken about commitment, but he says that he is not ready for it. To be honest, I am not even sure if he is still seeing other women. Am I reading too much into things, or am I right to be expecting more?

Sincerely,

Mixed Signals

Dear Mixed Signals,

It sounds as though you are most definitely receiving mixed signals. More specifically, it sounds as though you are receiving these signals because you have allowed him to give them. No matter what kind of relationship you are seeking it is important that you set your boundaries and clearly state your wants and needs. Far too often women play it cool and casual because they fear rejection or that they’ll chase a man away. This is only a smart move if you are into playing the game with him.

If, however, you are looking for something long-lasting, you will need to take another approach.

A man who runs in the other direction at the sign of a woman who wants commitment, stability and security should be allowed to run. It may feel like rejection but he is actually doing you a big favour. Be who you are and state your wants and if that is not good enough to capture his attention, then let him fly.

Yes, many relationships and marriages have started off with the man being not so sure while the woman is loyal and dedicated, however do you really want to be that woman? Most often than not, most of these guys end up committing because they do not want to start over, become attached, or do not see any better prospects out there at the time. Some even settle because they feel that as the woman has put up with him through all his mess, she is likely a safe choice for a partner. Once again, do you really want to be that woman? You need to have the courage and self-esteem not to settle for less.

A man will only do as much as he thinks he is required to do. This requirement could be imposed by you or it could be a reflection of his own internal conscience. Believe it or not, there are honourable men out there who have self-imposed standards of how to treat a woman and these are the men that you will want to hold out for.

Never allow a relationship to begin with the habit of just chilling. If you get him used to this sort of lazy dating you have very little chance of getting him to change. Try not to accept being a last-minute date; chances are, you were an afterthought. Men who are truly interested in being with you actually plan out dates and put effort into making sure that you enjoy their company.

This is not to say that there will never be last-minute spontaneous dates, but you will know the difference between him being spontaneous and him making a last-ditch effort not to be alone.

If last-minute invitations are the rule and not the exception, no matter how much he tells you that you are, tell yourself that you are really not a priority to him.

Furthermore, if the way that he introduces you to his friends bothers you, tell him. It is best to be honest about where you stand, and you should have the self-confidence to assert yourself.

Go with your gut when it comes to feelings of uneasiness. After all, he is not the only one involved in this “friendship”. You must not allow a man to be the sole person who determines how things go. If you do, then you have no one to blame but yourself for the hurt feelings, confusion, disappointment, and unfulfilled wants that you may have.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I found out that my wife is not really sexually attracted to me. I can’t lie, it hurts my feelings and I’m not sure how to react. I just packed some things and left. It’s been a week now and even though she wants me to come home, I can’t bring myself to go back. I feel lied to and ashamed, like I’ve been made a fool of. All this time I honestly thought that she enjoyed our sex life.

I found out the truth because I came across a Facebook inbox message where she has been chatting to this other man. What’s worse is that I know him and we speak in passing. I doubt she knew this though. How am I supposed to get past this? I wish I never would have found this out because I miss my children and wife. Well, who I thought was my wife anyway.

Sincerely,

I’m The Fool

Dear I’m The Fool,

I can only imagine how this must make you feel. You have built a life with this person, fathered children with this person, only to find out that she is not even attracted to you. This must have been an extremely big blow to your heart, ego, and manhood. Yes, you are entitled to your emotions however I would encourage you to try your best not to focus on self-pity. I cannot say what would make your wife, or any woman for that matter, decide to pretend to be sexually satisfied for years, but what concerns me here also is that she is freely sharing her feelings with another man.

I understand it is often easier to express intimate feelings with a third party than the person you should be sharing them with.

I can also see where your shame comes into play, especially since the man she is sharing this with is someone you face in your daily life. I would encourage you to try not to dwell on the automatic instinctual feelings, which in this case would be to wonder what this man could be thinking about you and if he has been intimate with your wife. One step at a time. You removed yourself from the uncomfortable environment so use this time to collect your thoughts and emotions. You will want to have a period of clear communication with your wife before reconciliation can happen.

Now that you know what the problem is, you can work towards fixing it. There are many things that couples can do to ignite the flames of desire between them if both are ready to be honest about their wants, needs, and sexual turn-ons. I believe that couples do not talk nearly enough about their sexual desires. Maybe it is because they feel uncomfortable doing so but there are many games and means of foreplay that allow couples to let one another know exactly what they want without having to have drawn-out discussions. Gather back as much of your pride and manhood as you possibly can and approach your wife with a firm desire to remedy this situation. Demand that she cease communication about your intimate life with other males, and let her know that you are both going to work towards changing things for the better.

As time goes on, and you learn to become the lover that she has been craving, you will regain confidence and will be secure in your marriage. I know a lot of times people are expected to just know what to do and if they don’t they are shunned, but reality is that we can all become better lovers with a bit of instruction.

Personally, my most thrilling sexual encounters have come from relationships where we shared our desires and worked towards fulfilling them. Even the best lovers know the importance of sexual communication. You just need to learn to develop a sexual language that is unique to you and your wife, and you will be on the right track to blowing her mind.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am in love with my daughter’s husband. I know it is wrong but it just happened. We have been intimate and I admit to feeling jealous about their marriage. I am beginning to do stupid things like stop by unannounced and interrupt any plans that they have for the holidays or even date nights. He has agreed to keep our affair a secret and we promised that it would never happen again but I just can’t seem to forget that night and how I feel. I’ve been alone for so long and he made me feel so wanted, so beautiful again. What am I to do?

Sincerely,

I Want My Daughter’s Husband

Dear I Want My Daughter’s Husband,

Ouch! First of all, I am sure that you really do understand that you have crossed a huge yellow line in the road. You have made an illegal manoeuvre and you are headed for a collision. No matter what you felt in the moment you must regain control and stop your behaviour. I don’t care what it takes.

There is honestly not much that I can say about this situation in this kind of platform because I would need to receive more intimate details about the entire picture, but for now I will say that you should seek counselling.

Also, I will say that you should realise that whatever feelings that you felt that night are feelings created by you and not so much by some magical moment that you and your daughter’s husband shared. I say this because you mention that that night made you feel wanted and beautiful again. I am assuming that your daughter’s husband is at least somewhat younger than you, and it is my guess that an enjoyable intimate encounter caused feelings to resurface from deep within you.

Please do not confuse resurfaced feelings of desire made dormant from neglect, for love. Many women do this when sex with a man is enjoyable, and it is a very dangerous thing. Chances are, even though it is possible that your feelings for this man are genuine, you do not really want your daughter’s husband, what you really want is the high from the feelings that you experienced that night and those that you allow yourself to feel every time that you think about it. I advise counselling not so much because you crossed the line, but because you are finding it difficult to stop yourself from engaging in destructive and intrusive behaviours. You will want to address your uncontrollable urges before they escalate. I cannot advise if you both should come clean about things or not. Although, those that follow me know that I am a stickler for honesty, at this point I am not sure what is at stake in this situation, and because of the very sensitive nature of the situation, I do not want to be irresponsible and provide generalised advice. Please seek professional help to sort through your feelings.

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