Dear Dr Nekia,

I have a woman that never initiates sex. I ask her to, and I tell her that it means a lot to a man to feel wanted, but although she says that she will, never does. She really doesn’t see the problem because she says that she doesn’t refuse me so I can just have it when I want it. And that is true, once things get started she is into it, but still ... I love my woman very much and we have a very good relationship, but I want for my woman to want me as much as I want her — and I want her to show me that she does. What is the problem? Why do so many women not initiate sex?

Sincerely,

Come Take It Too

Dear Come Take It Too,

One of the hardest things for men to understand is the woman who enjoys sex but seems to never want it. Some of us are always ready; others you have to work on a bit and there are others you have to put in foreplay that often begins far away from the bedroom. Think of summer barbecuing. You have to prepare the grill in order to get things sizzling. You cannot rush; you have to get the coals nice and hot. It will do you no good to look at the bag of coals and hope they jump into the grill on their own. The same is for some women. If you allow them to, they will go weeks or even months without sex, but that does not mean that they do not want you or that they are not willing. With some women, you simply have to be the aggressor.

If you really want her to sometimes initiate, you will have to find other ways of communicating with her. It is important that couples develop a sexual language that is unique to them.

For example, some couples share glances across a room, others touch, others talk directly or give smiles or gifts, or exchange notes.

I can recall one client who told me that she would flirt with her husband by bending over in a certain way while doing household chores. He didn’t notice at first, and she was far too reserved to tell him what she was doing. Once he understood, their marriage became a lot more interesting — if you know what I mean. He learnt to speak her language. Like him, you may need to learn your woman’s language. If she doesn’t have one, you will both have to work on developing a form of verbal or non-verbal communication together. Because your woman seems to enjoy sexual experiences with you, two things will be very important in developing your sex speak as a couple: first, you will have to learn what things turn her on.

Go beyond the usual foreplay and find out what gets her excited outside of the bedroom. She may be surprised herself at the connections that can be made between non-sexual desires and sexual ones.

For example, maybe she enjoys ice-cream. Buy her her favourite and feed it to her. Tease her with it by dipping a heaping spoonful up and telling her she cannot have it until she shows you how much she wants it. From there it will be quite easy to transfer her desire and urgent want for the ice-cream into desires for you. The actual act will also teach her to be more expressive and comfortable when it comes to going for the things she wants, which in this case should be you.

Secondly, you will have to observe her more to know her moods and the subconscious cues she gives off whenever she is feeling frisky. Maybe she smiles at you more, maybe she touches you more, or maybe she spoils you by cooking or running errands. This is important because it is during these times that you will be able to coax her more sexually dominant side out of her.

Use these times to tease her. Wear her favourite cologne, her favourite boxers, or show off your body a bit more than you usually would. Women are just as visual as men, so be sure to keep yourself groomed and smelling yummy. Entice her, tease her, and coax her to come for you. Over time, she will naturally begin to assert herself sexually.

For most women it is not that we do not want to initiate sex, even though we may say that we do not, it is that we are afraid to, are uncomfortable with our own sexuality, or simply have so much other things on our mind that it is not until we are actually in the act that we slow down to allow ourselves time for pleasure.

Get those lines of sexual communication open and work with your woman to get her desires aroused by encouraging her to feel sexually comfortable, confident, and available if you ever wish to see the side of her that is a lioness on the hunt for fresh meat.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My man has expressed to me that he is interested in back door activities. I am not comfortable with this because to me it means that he has the potential to be gay. He reassures me that he is not gay and has never been with a man and never will. But is it just me or does a man who likes his back door opened have gay tendencies?

Sincerely,

Back Doors Should Remain Closed

Dear Back Doors Should Remain Closed,

Homosexuality is still very much a taboo subject and, because of fear and miseducation, there is also a lot of confusion about it.

Being homosexual is not just about the physical act of sex. There is no such thing as a homosexual sexual act. Being a homosexual is the same as being a heterosexual with the only difference being that it involves a person of the same sex. So, homosexuality involves an affinity for, an attraction to, and a presence of loving feelings and emotions towards someone of your same sex.

Media, religion, and the general public at large have done a great job at demonising and criminalising homosexuals by highlighting the act of sexual intercourse that happens, while conveniently leaving out the emotional and loving aspects of homosexual relationships.

In this they succeeded in their goal of making us to believe that homosexuals are different from us; that they do not share our values of love, home, relationship, and family, and that they are people with sexual perversions who prey upon our children and others who would otherwise be straight.

So it is quite easy for you to look at a single sexual act as being homosexual in nature because it involves actions or areas of the body that you associate with perverted “gay sex”. There are a few things that you should know. If your man is not attracted to, and has never shared romantic feelings for another man, then he is not gay.

Secondly, your man is not perverse because he likes anal play. Thirdly, your man is no less of a man because he enjoys anal play.

Fourthly, the male prostate is directly accessible and stimulated through anal penetration. Such sensations are highly pleasurable for males because the prostate itself is the gland that contracts during arousal which causes the male to climax and ejaculate.

Pair stimulation of this highly sensitive gland with the stimulation of the many nerve endings of the anus, and you have the perfect formula for him to experience euphoric states of pleasure. Within the bounds of a committed and loving relationship, you and your man should be able to explore one another’s sexual pleasures and fantasies without judgment.

If it is something that you are not into, then express this to him. Remember that your boundaries, as well as his, should always be respected. However, do not deny him or yourself nor limit your sex life to acts that fall within the “safe zone” just because of ignorance or preconceived notions.

Sex and sexual expression within our society is still quite conservative and, it being so is one of the leading causes of infidelity, stress, and dysfunction within relationships. The importance, value and power of sexual connection, openness and fulfilment is never to be underestimated. And this is true whether you are single or not. We all must make the step to becoming more educated about human sexuality so that we can live complete wholesome lives and have healthy relationships filled with pleasure as well as responsibility.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Why is it that when men get older and can no longer sexually perform they turn mean and act like their lives are over?

Sincerely,

It’s Not That Serious

Dear It’s Not That Serious,

Actually it is that serious. What you are witnessing is a society of men taught from a very young age that the value and measure of their manhood is in the size and performance of their penis. Sounds silly doesn’t it? How can someone allow one part of their physical body to determine their worth as a human being? Well, some women do the same with their wombs in that they feel that if they are unable to bear children they are less of a woman and undeserving of happiness. But you are right, in the greater scheme of things, it is silly. Males are typically more aggressive than females and they have a need to feel dominant and set apart from everyone else.

They are set apart from females simply because they have a penis and we do not, so they feel they have one up on us. They feel set apart from other men if they think that they have a bigger penis than them, and they feel more accepted, appreciated and dominant when they believe that they can sexually outperform other males by pleasing women in the bedroom — which is interesting because most women do not prefer an overly large penis, and a great many men are rather clueless when it comes to really pleasing a woman between the sheets.

Nevertheless, men put great emphasis and importance on their genitals and no matter what other accomplishments they fulfil in their lives, many will feel empty, emasculated, and downright useless if they can no longer sexually perform.

Furthermore, we must factor in the very sure reality that many men find so much comfort and happiness in sex that without it their lives are seemingly not worth living. So while hormonal imbalances do play a role in older men turning bitter once they can no longer get an erection, for many it is mainly their negative self-talk and mental projections that causes them to feel broken up inside.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com