Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been seeing this man who I have waited to be intimate with.

He used to always try to get me to sleep with him while dating, but now that I have, he has changed. It is like when he couldn’t have me, he would talk about how I need to relax and be more open to sex. But now that he does have me and he sees just how much I want and enjoy sex, he is insecure.

Why is it that men want a woman to be sexually free with them, but once she does they get all insecure?

Sincerely, On A Sex Merry-Go-Round

Dear On A Sex Merry-Go-Round,

It sounds as though this particular man wanted you to be open to having sex with him, not open to being sexual in general. There is a big difference.

A lot of men in our society enjoy the thought of being irresistible or persuading a woman to give in to them. It makes them feel a sense of power and control as though they have accomplished something, completed a goal, or won a prize. And while a lot of men fantasise over the idea of having a woman who enjoys sex as much as they do, a lot of them also become very insecure with such women.

The reason being is that their minds begin to wander and fill with all sorts of questions. Questions like, “How many other men has she done this or that with?” “Is she doing this or that with anyone else?” “Can I satisfy her?”

This is when doubt of their ability to satisfy your appetite comes into play, and the more that you seemingly want to have sex with him, the more he will question his ability to satisfy and your moral standards of fidelity.

Not all men are this way, of course. Many men quite enjoy a woman who has a healthy sexual appetite.

Dear Dr Nekia,

This question is directed towards you specifically. What are your intentions exactly? Because it seems like you condone certain questionable behaviours.

Sincerely, Just Asking

Dear Just Asking,

If you are asking my intentions regarding this column, it is to provide the public with insight into the questions of individuals in hopes that it could shed some light on the various situations that people encounter within their relationships.

Such questions are not detailed and answers are brief. Unlike a column of opinion or unprofessional advice, I do not give emotional responses based upon personal belief or experience.

As a professional, my responses remain neutral and non-judgmental, and I rarely tell someone what decision they should or should not make. I simply provide direction or insight, which point to the possibilities of the situation, or to possible ways of reason and approach.

Most times, further details and professional attention are needed to reach resolve; however, this column is a good starting point for anyone who is facing a problem within their love life, and I hope that it provides value that everyone can take with them.

Dear Dr Nekia,

What exactly is a sapiosexual? I thought that sexual attraction is a physical thing, so how can someone be sexually attracted to someone’s mind? Sounds weird to me.

Sincerely, Questionable Sexuality

Dear Questionable Sexuality,

It is commonly thought that sexual attraction is a physical phenomenon, however the truth is that human sexual attraction involves a complex and dynamic exchange of information between physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual components.

The two that are paid the most attention to are the physical and the mental. This is mainly because our bodies physically are sexually excited by someone or something, and our minds recognise this stimulation and does its best to interpret it.

The mind’s role is to collect information from the brain and then to interpret this information into perceptions of ourselves and our environment for optimal survival.

These perceptions of interpretation then transform into cyclical thought and behaviour motivators which push us to action and to the development of self awareness, emotions, and our overall experience of reality.

This is not a linear occurrence but is cyclical as each factor influences the other. Once we understand that our sexuality is based upon such a complex foundation of reality experience, we begin to see that our sexuality is much more than some physical attraction and is based largely upon our minds’ interpretation of things.

A sapiosexual can be simply defined as someone who is attracted to the intelligence of another being. Thus, your mind tells you that it recognises the mind of another as being intelligent and thus attractive.

A physical sexual response to this that follows is a natural response to your mind’s interpretation of what it perceives to be real and excite worthy.