Question: I have a son that had some developmental delays as a small child. He still works on them, but they're not obvious to anyone. We're concerned about a learning disability, but the school says that his schoolwork is "average" so they won't intervene. His older brother is gifted, and we believe he is too, but the school administered a test and says he doesn't qualify. He's a very philosophical and moral child, way beyond his years. He's very intense, gets very upset with the injustices of the world, and asks questions until you give him a mature answer — no kiddie responses for him! Can he be gifted, but not test well?

Answer: It's possible that a child with developmental delays that are now caught up or even those with learning disabilities can be gifted but the giftedness might not show up on testing. Not all gifted programs are the same, but they are often geared to special accomplishment in particular subjects, and not all children need special programs. If your son seems reasonably challenged in school, there's little need to be concerned. On the other hand, if his schoolwork is too easy, then you should explore possible alternate testing. Many school districts permit further testing by a private psychologist who's familiar with the special identification of giftedness.

It can be awkward at home to have one child who qualifies for a program and the other who doesn't. Actually, the boys' scores could be only a few points different. It's important for you to challenge both your sons in their deep thinking and love of learning, but you shouldn't hesitate to talk to the school further if you aren't satisfied with the identification procedure.

Question: I'm hoping for advice. My children are almost 6 years old and still wearing diapers to bed and waking up wet. Unfortunately, I still lie down with them until they're asleep. I've minimized the drinking before bedtime. I try to wake them around 11 p.m., but they won't budge. I've also offered the poker-chip reward system. It all needs to stop. I'm exhausted, and I know I've empowered them too much. I need clever reasoning.

Answer: There are two parts to your question. The first is related to bedwetting and a bedwetting alarm could help with that one because it actually sensitises children to the wetting process. After about six weeks, they learn to wake when they have to urinate. The bedwetting alarm that I recommend is called DRI Sleeper and can be purchased at www.dri-sleeper.com. The manufacturers claim success for about 80 percent of children who use it. Points and prizes actually can also help, but some children simply take longer to outgrow bedwetting. The special comfort of disposable diapers doesn't help to sensitize them, and they are typically deep sleepers.

As to lying with your children until they fall asleep, don't expect to convince them to sleep independently by reason. Simply reassure them that they're old enough to fall asleep on their own, and after reading to and hugging them, tuck them in and permit them to sleep on their own. If they claim they're having a difficult time falling asleep, let them look at books until they feel sleepy. Later, that can become a good reading habit, and it seems to help them feel naturally tired and dissipates any tensions.

You can also use a night light, reading light or quiet music to help lull them to sleep, and yes, you're correct, it's past time for them to learn to sleep on their own.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wsconsin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com