We know that we cannot stop the world and get off. Therefore, we bury our pain in an effort to enjoy the relationships that feel nurturing at the present time. However, pain that is not felt gets buried.

Unfortunately, since we are our history, the pain that we've experienced in past relationships that was buried, can surface. When nurturing relationships experience conflict, negative emotions of the past often mix with negative emotions of our present. Therefore, at times our present relationships may experience difficulty and sometimes trauma.

It is essential then, to acknowledge our past pain and allow ourselves the opportunity to heal those hurts. This will assist us in moving through present hurts in a manner that does not have the potential to get us stuck.

Know the difference between your present pain and the pain of your past.

Strive to keep the two from mixing. When they mix, the tendency is to over react because the conflict has touched a familiar uncomfortable or painful feeling.

Rather, make it a goal to heal the hurts of your past so that they will not rob you of the joy in your present relationships.

FOUR HEALING EMOTIONS Just as a broken bone needs to be reset to heal correctly, our desires must also be reset. Exploring and feeling the four healing emotions frees us to adjust our wants, expectations, needs, and hopes.

John Gray in his book, `How to Get What You Want and Want You Have', describes four healing emotions.

ANGER Anger allows us to emotionally explore what has happened that we didn't want to happen. This is because anger surfaces when we are not getting what we want. It is an alarm signal that says stop and adjust what has happened.

Therefore, it is a necessary emotion that must be felt.

SADNESS Sadness allows us to explore emotionally what did not happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness helps us to recognise what we wanted to happen but didn't happen.

After a loss, we must give ourselves permission to be sad. Then, we will be able to adjust our expectations.

FEAR Fear allows us to explore what could happen that we do not want to happen.

Sometimes we may feel doomed. Therefore, we need to search what we do not want to happen. Then, open up to receive the support we need and fill our hearts with courage and gratitude.

SORROW Sorrow allows us to explore what cannot happen that we want to happen. This helps us to recognise what we want to happen but cannot be. It allows us to acknowledge our powerlessness to undo what has happened.

By reflecting on what is not possible, we shift to figuring out what is possible. Release your past hope and build new hopes.

These emotions do not always occur in this order. But being aware of all four healing emotions allows us to explore our feelings and to heal our hurts. Give yourself time and permission to feel, then heal! Exploration of these feelings may seem unnecessary, scary, or even overwhelming. Rather than suppress uncomfortable emotions, learn how to use them as tools for growth.

The assistance of a counsellor could be helpful in this process. We, at the Institute of Child and Family Health would be privileged to take this journey with you.

Written by Saadia Bean of The Institute for Child & Family Health, the counselling arm of the Coalition for the Protection of Children is one of five registered charities that make up the FNR -- Family Resource Network.

Family Matters is a column dedicated to the cause of families, written every week by the FNR agencies.