Here at the Physical Abuse Centre we recognise that many men use physical violence infrequently but abuse women by resorting to other overt and covert behaviours, including intimidation. They learn how to intimidate women, other men, and their children. Some use their body language. They glare, tower over their partners or block their physical space. Some men slam down their fists, punch walls or doors, and throw things. Intimidating behaviour is frightening and the person being intimidated is never sure if physical violence will follow.

One (PAC client) man said: "If we were at a party and my partner was talking to another man, I would just look at her and she would be at my side. No one knew what was going on. It was just a look or a crooked smile and she knew.''.

From a woman's perspective (PAC client): She explains: Intimidation brings immediate fear. "When my partner was angry at me, he would walk around me while he was talking or yelling so I never knew what to expect. I would try to maintain eye contact with him because he had hit me in the back of the head before. He wouldn't necessarily have to be talking angrily but the fact that I had to turn around and watch him was very intimidating. He knew exactly what he was doing.'' Getting what you want through intimidation or simply venting your anger in the house may be temporarily satisfying for you. You may get what you want at that time. However, if people you say you love are afraid of you, how can intimacy, trust, and caring exist? Because you have behaved like this for a long time you may be oblivious to your family's fear, but I assure you, your partner and your children are afraid.

Men, who use intimidation, whether deliberately or not, need to become aware of how they respond to conflicts and problems that arise in the home.

Self-monitoring and feedback from others may be necessary. If you are upset or in a bad mood, let your partner and children know that your mood has nothing to do with them. For example, you can calmly say: "I'm in a bad mood, it has nothing to do with you, and I need some time to be alone.'' Sometimes men are not aware, or choose not to be aware, of how scary and intimidating they can be when they are angry. In a relationship where there has been no abuse, anger is not so frightening. But partners and children who have been abused have vivid memories of violence, and anger will elicit fear in them even if violence does not follow.

Sometimes men who receive counselling at PAC say that punching a wall or door is better than hitting their partners. This is true. But punching a lifeless object in your partner's presence can produce the same results as hitting her.

A punch wall or a thrown object may give your partner the impression that she is next.

Men can use their voices to terrify and abuse. One woman told me that her partner's voice was like a slap across the face. A common way that men intimidate is by shouting. Some get right into their partner's face and yell.

The purpose is obvious: most people are unnerved by it. If you are serious about changing, this kind of intimidation must stop. Monitor yourself by making a commitment not to shout, and to lower your voice during times of conflict.

To our Readers: If you are angry or upset, find another outlet to deal with your emotions.

Talk with a friend, walk away from the situation that is upsetting you, and practice restraint. Many of the men who receive counselling at PAC said that they take time-outs when they are angry. They also said they consistently need to monitor themselves. They have learned the importance of responding to conflict in a non-intimidating manner and they do what it takes to be nonviolent.

The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of The Family Resource Network, which consists of The Coalition for The Protection of Children, The Institute of Child & Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Fathers' Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.

*** PAC Counsellor Nina Jones