Question: My father recently admitted to me that he hides his emotions so as to not hurt the ones he loves.

It explains a lot about him, and I can't believe I ever saw him as a strong person instead of the weak and scared man he really is. My problem is that I have a four-year-old son who is very much like his grandfather in a lot of ways. He has strong emotions and has trouble dealing with the difficult ones (sadness, anger, jealousy). I really don't want him to turn into my father, but being raised by a man who hides his feelings, I don't really know how to teach my son how to respond to them constructively.

If he were older, I could try reasoning with him, but when he's really upset he'll often just respond to everything by crying and yelling.

Please give me some ideas on how to show him that these are valid emotions, but that he needs to find a better way to express them.

Answer: Hiding emotions for fear of hurting others isn't typically an indication of weakness, and sometimes may be a kindness.

While adults should learn to understand and cope with their own emotions, open expression of those feelings can sometimes cause more harm than good.

For example, supposing a husband was caring for his wife who has a chronic illness. He might feel significant anger toward the wife because her illness is stealing his normal life from him. Expressing that anger toward her would only incur her guilt, and he might be better off keeping those feelings to himself, or at least only sharing them with a counselor or close friend.

I don't know your father's situation, but it's wrong to assume there's something wrong with him based on what you've shared.

As to your four-year-old son, developmentally, four-year-olds aren't very good at understanding their emotions. We do try to teach them to use their words to express what they want, but they're unlikely to be able to know how to say such things as "I feel angry because you're giving my sister attention," or "I feel sad because you won't buy me that toy".

Certainly encourage your four-year-old to use his words, but if you try to talk him through every crying or yelling storm you'll be likely to find he cries and yells more.

Your determined intention to have him express what he's feeling is beyond a 4-year-old's capability. Relax, share loving and fun experiences, and enjoy your little guy. Don't assume that he'll automatically turn out to be unexpressive like your dad, and perhaps you can even assume your dad isn't a weakling because he's less expressive than you'd like. On the other hand, if you can model expressing your own feelings in a reasonable and calm way, your son will be watching you daily and learning to stay calm and express his own feelings.

If your dad is truly having problems dealing with his feelings, why not suggest that he see a counselor so he can talk through his issues? Your encouragement could help him take this important step.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting.

More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com