A modest pimp-oposal
WASHINGTON <\m> Despite my diligent monitoring of pop-culture developments, it had somehow escaped my notice that Snoop Dogg has acquired a spiritual adviser.I can’t say that I was surprised by the news. After all, the charismatic rapper, who has sold more than 14 million records, isn’t the first musical artist to seek counsel on matters of the soul. For a while, the Beatles were drawn to Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, founder of Transcendental Meditation.
More recently, The Beastie Boys have been vocal supporters of the Dalai Lama. And now Snoop has turned to Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan, a former pimp who claims to be an ordained minister.
Although he was “saved” in 1985, Don Juan remains suspiciously attached to the pimp lifestyle. And his discussions of his old career exude a distinct whiff of wistfulness. For example, he describes his “ministry” as “pimpin’ for Jesus.” He makes cameo appearances in rap videos that defend and celebrate the sexual exploitation of women.
He needs minimal prodding to preach at length on the requirements of successful pimping and refuses to let just anyone call himself a pimp. “You know, they say a lot of things about pimping, but I want y’all to know something <\m> y’all can just keep that pimpin’ out your mouth if you don’t have a prostitute on the corner,” he told reporters from VH1.com. “You’re not pimping anything. It ain’t the pimp game... Okay?”
Don Juan typically holds forth while wearing polka-dotted suits with matching nail polish, hat, boots and star-shaped, diamond-studded sunglasses. If not for his pimp talk and the “pimp stick” he likes to pose with, he could easily be mistaken for a black Elton John impersonator, circa 1976.
Still, his cartoonish buffoonery continues to attract admirers in the rap world, including such best-selling personalities as 50 Cent and Nelly.
What Don Juan’s weird pronouncements have to do with salvation is unclear, although Snoop is quick to credit his mentor with bringing him closer to spiritual enlightenment. He once told a reporter from Yahoo.com that his new approach reflects an effort to “keep God in everything we do, and we try to be more positive than negative”.
He declined to explain how his changed outlook inspired such lyrics as “Okay son, I’ll tell ya like my nigga ‘Pootie Tang’/I got that bounce, to make her booty swang”. It’s easy to condemn Snoop for failing to recognise his garish guru as a waste of brain cells.
It’s equally easy to lament the cumulative effect of pimp-happy songs and videos on impressionable black kids who could do far better than aspire to a life of “bitches” and “bling-bling”.
Or, just as bad, the impact of such unimaginative art on those millions of mesmerised white kids who park their carcasses in front of MTV for hours of escapist fantasy wrapped in warped scenarios of black dysfunction.
But, to quote Dr. Dre — another Snoop Dogg mentor — been there, done that. I have another point to make: Let me suggest that in choosing a lowly ex-pimp for his role model, Snoop is thinking small. It’s time he became aware of Charles Taylor, indicted war criminal, former dictator of Liberia, latest deposed exemplar of the Big Pimp — er, Big Man school of African leadership.
A showoff like Don Juan and a bit of a fashion plate as well, Taylor was notoriously fond of diamonds, big shiny cars, sexual subjugation of women and strutting around with a pimp stick.
Also like Chicago-bred Don, he came of age in the mean streets of urban America <\m> rising to security guard in Boston before pursuing his dreams of dictatorhood in the land of his birth.
Don Juan calls himself the “greatest player who ever played the game,” but that preposterous claim only exposes the feebleness of his vision. Sure, he may have made some money from pimping. But does his haul come anywhere near $100 million?
According to UN investigators, that’s how much Taylor stole from Liberia’s coffers during the last six years of his despotic rule. Taylor’s former aides say that he spent the money on property, women and cars. And guns, lots of them. US officials say that Liberia is now the poorest nation on Earth.
Among our quaint American traditions is something called the Players’ Ball, an event held each year in a different city and convened to honour the nation’s most successful “pimps and players”.
If Taylor could be coaxed to attend, he’d be a cinch for the top prize. Against such world-class competition, Don Juan and his ilk wouldn’t have a prayer.
