Noemie Rattray and Mr. John Musson are expanding the programme.

After almost a year of working as a couple to counsel other couples in trouble, they are forming a workshop where people with similar problems can thrash out the issues together. The first workshop will consist of 10 seminars where, says Mrs. Rattray, "we will assist couples in improving communication, intimacy and understanding. There are basic problems that are the same for almost every couple. While we were counselling people we were finding the same traits in relationships cropping up again and again.'' They hope that the group will also become a forum for mutual support and consultation instead of simply relying on the therapists.

The theory is that whereas couples may be unable (or unwilling) to recognise their own problems, they may see things more clearly in the behaviour and attitudes of others. "In a way, it's similar to the concept of Alcoholics Anonymous,'' explains Mr. Musson. "Several off-shoots from the main group have formed over the years, like Al-Anon, and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They all share a common problem, but with different emphasis and effect, so they found it useful to form groups where people could come together and help each other by talking about it.'' Although most of the initial group will be formed by those who have been participating in the "couple to couple'' programme at Ashton Associates, the two counsellors are contacting other agencies, such as Benedict Associates, the Employee Assistance Programme, the alcohol and drugs programme at Montrose, the Government marital guidance clinic and general physicians throughout the Island.

They say that the most common problem encountered during their counselling sessions centre around communication -- or more usually, the lack of it -- mis-communciation, assumptions, relatively simple misunderstandings that `mushroom' over time, and unspoken problems that can fester and eat away at a relationship, sometimes without the other partner even being aware that something is wrong. General insecurity arises in a relationship when interpretations and expectations distort what the other partner is saying.

"We will be using a genogram, which is a kind of family tree, so that couples will be able to see how certain patterns of communication can be handed down through each generation, myths on `do's' and `don'ts' that might still be influencing the present couple,'' says Mrs. Rattray. They will take a look at the sort of marriage the parents had, "because that will certainly influence the children when it comes to their turn. If we study our parents' relationship we can sometimes learn from that and avoid their mistakes.'' "We have to remember that values change as well, sometimes from generation to generation,'' says Mr. Musson. "Men, for instance, were used to considering themselves the provider in a family. Now, with so many wives working, they are equal providers. It takes away their traditional role and some men have problems with that.'' Mr. Musson believes that children who watch their parents in a constant state of conflict and confrontation will be affected and probably adopt some of those attitudes in their own relationships. Conversely, those coming from homes where problems are talked over and compromise solutions reached, are more likely to use a more conciliatory approach in their own marriages.

People who have been through several divorces or break-ups may find the group approach particularly helpful, as it will help them to recognise destructive behavioural patterns or to find the missing link that has doomed each relationship.

And what if your mate refuses to cooperate in any of this? The advice is "don't despair, and come along on your own''. Mrs. Rattray explains: "Take a couple dancing together. If one of you changes the steps, it's going to affect your partner.'' And Mr. Musson adds: "It might lead to a totally new dance, which would be just as well if the old dance is no longer any good.'' To start with, the workshops will be "fairly structured'', with specific themes "to get the ball rolling. But it won't be like a lecture,'' warns Mrs.

Rattray, "people will be participating and working on their problems.'' "In fact,'' adds Mr. Musson, "we don't want people who are just going to be observers!'' The 10-week workshop will commence at the end of the month with a two-hour session each Tuesday from 7.30 to 9.30 p.m. The course is not restricted to married couples. Anyone who is experiencing problems in a relationship may apply in advance to register for the course.

"AND ANOTHER THING...'' -- Angry confrontations like this may become a thing of the past for couples joining a new group therapy workshop.