Life changes can be so unsettling. Sometimes, we know that change is coming; sometimes, it creeps up on us like Bermuda snails heading up an old limestone wall, or, change completely envelopes us like being in the middle of a spider weaving a master web.

Life events happen in an instant, leaving us struggling for answers, unable to cope with the outcome, feeling so many conflicting emotions: anger, grief, shock, disbelief, and the ultimate question, why is this happening to me?

The scenarios listed below are all composites of a more than 25-year cross border financial planning history. They are not intended to resemble any individual or family, either domestically, or internationally, whether living or deceased.

• I am one of several children in our family. Known as a change of life baby, my siblings are significantly older than me and appear to be well established in their lives and careers. My mother has passed; she was the financial person in the family, although she shared few details with me. My father has been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's and has recently become non-communicative. There has been little support from my siblings and there won't be much forthcoming (except when the estate discussion starts). As the youngest, I am still in the early stages of my own career, and am staggering due to caring for him physically and financially.

• My wife has passed; I always thought I would predecease her, even though there is a history of longevity in my relatives. I can't bear the thought of wading through the bills, the insurance, and all the rest of our financial history and really, have no idea what we have or what I will need to care for me. My small business has suffered that we operated as a team as suffered. Will there be any value left if I cannot get our affairs organised in a timely fashion?

• It was a long traditional marriage. We were very young; the early years were a real adventure but I guess we just grew apart. He is extremely successful; I'm just paralysed, terrified of re-entering the workforce, no confidence in my very obsolete work skills. Then, there is the financial side. What do I do, what do I need, should I go back to school, how long will I have to support myself, will the settlement be enough? What did I do wrong? My stable life as I knew it no longer exists.

• He or she is single by choice and by circumstances. Has had a long fabulous career, but the times, the economy, and his/her profession is changing. His/her role no longer has the value it used to, and the position could be restructured (he/she made redundant) without notice. He/she has no protection against a financial emergency except from his/her own endeavors. He/she needs to rethink his/her entire life plan for protection in his/her later years.

The emotional side of the equation. Each of these composite situations listed above are all too common. These life situations appear more frequently than we would like to see in friends, complete strangers, and our own families. Whenever loss of any kind happens, there follows a time of paralysis, inability to sometimes understand or make any decisions including all important financial ones, lack of trust in one's own judgment, skepticism and downright distrust of others, reckless self abandoning behavior, and wishing that life would revert back to the good times before the event. All of the above are normal reactions for individuals under personal/family duress.

Human society can be compassionate in responses to those challenged by life events. The response, however, is brief. No matter the mundane or tragic circumstances, you are expected to - far sooner than you would wish - get on with it.

Life is for the living, the subliminal message will be sent to you. When you consider these reactions rationally, such a response is really for your protection. It forces you to get up, and start to put your life back together.

This does not mean that your grief, or sadness leaves, but by moving to take charge of yourself, you can regain some of the momentum to live your life again. Your life will be different but it will be there to be lived.

Those thoughts are realised for couples to help the remaining individual who must put himself/herself first.

What happens to the responsible one? You know, there is always one in every crowd.

The responsible one in the family, workplace, team, and so on. These individuals face a tougher challenge. They have to take care of themselves and someone else.

Unfortunately, they may face burn-out if they do not put their needs first.

How would you answer this question? Facing financial reality: what would you do if your pension was abruptly cut, not by half, but by 65 percent because your spouse passed?

What would you do if you, as a single person, had to choose between protecting your own savings and pension against paying for a parent's long-term care?

In future articles, we will discuss how individuals and families can use a process to manage themselves through changing life events by:

• Marshall your resources

• Simple projection of needs / demands on your time

• The risk of being one, instead of two or more

• Living your own legacy

• Investing (is last) for the future - only after the changing life process is accomplished

Martha Harris Myron, CPA, CFP(US) TEP(UK) JP- Bermuda is an international Certified Financial Planner™ practitioner in private wealth management. She specialises in independent fee-only cross border investment, tax, estate, and strategic retirement planning services for Bermuda residents with cross-border and multi-national connections, and US citizens living abroad. For more information, contact martha.myron@gmail.com">martha.myron@gmail.com or 296-3528.