Dear Annie: My daughter, “Lara”, is a 37-year-old single mom and unemployed. She had a difficult childhood, and as her mother, I feel partly to blame. Over the years, my husband and I have paid for several types of therapy for her, and we also provide her with a free place to live and have been paying her bills. Now that my husband is retired, however, we are no longer able to continue and have told her so.Lara is an alcoholic, and that is probably the reason she has not gotten a job. I would immediately kick her out, except for my five-year-old grandchild. I worry about his well-being. Recently he had eight cavities filled and a tooth extracted, and I think this is due to neglect. He weighs only 29 pounds and looks very fragile.

My grandson’s father is in the picture, but he, too, has a drinking problem. My daughter barely speaks to him.

My conscience will not let me kick them out, and she knows it. What do we do? How can I help my grandchild and my daughter? — Distraught in TexasDear Distraught: We’re not sure you can help Lara, because she doesn’t seem ready to be helped. You can, however, petition to get custody of your grandson, if you are willing to take your daughter to court, and we hope you are. The boy is in need of a stable home with responsible parents. (It’s also possible that Lara would be relieved to have you raise him.)

Contact Families Anonymous (familiesanonymous.org) at 1-800-736-9805, and Al-Anon (al-anon-alateen.org) for assistance with Lara and her alcohol problems. Then talk to a lawyer about the steps you need to take in order to protect your grandson. Good luck.

>Dear Annie: <$>I have been invited to a May evening wedding, which will take place outside. Upon checking the couple’s wedding webpage, it states “formal casual dress” for guests.Isn’t it either formal or casual? No one I have spoken to has heard of this. I think it means suits for men, but no tuxes. What do women wear?

Also, the food choices for the dinner are unacceptable because I have gastric reflux. I will get deathly sick if I eat anything on the menu. What am I supposed to do? — Wondering in the NortheastDear Wondering$>Sigh. Instructions on attire are supposed to be helpful, not confusing. There is no “formal casual” designation. It’s something the bride and groom have created because they don’t want their guests to be uncomfortable, but they also don’t want them wearing jeans. You should ask the bride what she has in mind, though generally, for an evening, outdoor, not-very- formal wedding, men wear suits or sport coats, and women wear street-length cocktail or sundresses, or dressy slacks. As for the food, eat a filling meal before you leave home, and bring carrot sticks or an apple in your purse. (P.s<$>If you aren’t on medication for gastric reflux, see your doctor.)

Dear Ae<$>: This is in response to “Gifting Dilemma,” who seems to think no one likes charitable donations instead of actual gifts.

I would like to say that I greatly appreciate these donations. My husband and I are fortunate enough to have what we need at this time, and when our friends make donations in our name, we feel gratified. We are lucky enough to have friends who know of our interests and make these donations to organisations we approve of.

Instead of a gift we don’t need or won’t use, we would much rather have the money go to a worthy cause that we support. — CarolAnnie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox[AT]comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com