Our son and daughter-in-law have two lovely daughters, ages 5 and 2[1/2]. We have a great relationship and love our children/grandchildren so much and want to be helpful. The oldest is a delightful little girl (especially when she’s away from home), but she spends much time defending herself against her mother who always takes the side of the 2[1/2]-year-old. The oldest has become a sad and frowning child at times and is frustrated because she’s in a no-win situation.She’s told to share with the youngest even when the youngest grabs something, runs with it and yells, “Mine!” If the oldest wants something from the youngest, she hears from the mother either, “It’s her toy,” or “Go find something else to do.” I’ve noticed an extreme amount of kissing, hugging and telling the youngest, “I love you so much,” as the oldest looks on, but doesn’t receive affection. I try to entertain the youngest to allow my daughter-in-law to give the oldest some needed attention. Sometimes it seems as if my daughter-in-law doesn’t even want to spend time with her oldest daughter. Please help.Balancing attention between a big sister and a darling toddler can be delicate, even when there’s only 2[1/2] years difference in age. While it’s not possible to ignore an adorable little one, the older child needs attention for her accomplishments, as well. Her parents can also teach her techniques for helping and coping with her little sister. For example, if she wants to play with her sister’s toy, she can give her a different toy to distract her before she takes the toy to play with. It’s very important for Mom or Dad to give the older child some one-on-one attention daily so that she doesn’t feel rejected. A special date once a week for as little as half an hour can reassure the older daughter that she’s loved.

Sometimes the mother-in-law relationship can be too precarious to be frank about your observations, but if you notice your daughter-in-law giving preferential treatment to the younger child, you might share your concern with your son. Dad’s attention to his older daughter will also be helpful in building her confidence, and he may be able to alert his wife sensitively once you raise his awareness of the problem.

An effective tool for helping the older girl feel accepted and important is for adults, like you and her grandfather, to say positive things about her within her hearing. For example, you could talk about how grown-up she’s becoming, how ready for school she is or how kind she is to her little sister.

Your oldest granddaughter might also enjoy some special outings with you, without her younger sister to distract from your attention. While you may not feel as important to her as her mother, a trip to the zoo or a children’s museum with Grandmom might feel like an unforgettable privilege to your granddaughter>For free newsletters about competition among siblings, or do’s and don’ts of grandparenting, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimmsylviarimm.com.