Steps to Success -Empowering Effective CommunicationWe are always communicating, even when we may not realise it. Beyond just talking, to others (and ourselves), be it our bodies, our facial expressions, or what we’re wearing… all of these things are communicating something.Doesn’t it seem worthwhile to ensure we are communicating effectively and that we know what we’re actually saying?Last week we caught a glimpse of the power of words: the effects of language on perception and even physiology. This week, beyond avoiding the unwanted side effects of negative words, we will look at how to use language to better support our goals, improve our wellbeing, enhance our relationships and get some top tips for being a better communicator.Effects of Bad LanguageEver woken up at midnight with the thing you were trying to remember at lunchtime: “What’s it called??…” You’d wracked your brain, but eventually moved on and forgot about it. Or so you thought. That faithful subconscious of yours had a mission to find out, scanning your mental filing cabinet until bingo, (albeit some hours later), you got your answer.But what about when we ask ourselves things like: “Why does this always happen to me?! What have I done to deserve this? Why do I never learn?”Will the answers to these questions really serve us? We’re going to get them whether we want them or not biased evidence produced by the subconscious because an answer must be found.Instead, wouldn’t it be more helpful to put this amazing neural data finder to better use by asking questions we can use: “How can I do this better? What can I learn from this? What do I need to remember? What positives can come from this?” These kinds of questions give us information to take action on and help us identify where past mistakes can be corrected in the future rather than reinforced.Beware of negative self-questioning and use the power of the subconscious to your benefit.Another verbal trap to avoid is that of the dreaded SHOULD. It comes in many guises: I must… I need to… I have to… etc. These are referred to as ‘modal operators of necessity’. We use them often but with little thought to their effect.Compare:I’ve got to go shopping for a new dress… to I get to go shopping for a new dress.Such a subtle difference between the two but the whole dynamic of the phrase changes from a chore to a treat, with just one word. Anthony Robbins describes it as “shoulding all over ourselves”. I should do this… I should really do that…Says who??!The trouble is, these ‘necessity’ words indicate a total lack of choice in your actions. We are subconsciously convincing ourselves we have no options and no freedom. Understandably this can lead to feelings of unhappiness, even hopelessness over time. All because of some little habitual words etching a pattern in our brains.Try some of these more empowering options and see the difference it makes to your perception: I could… I want to… I’d like to… I’ve chosen to… I choose to go to work, I’ve decided to get that root canal done, I get to pick up the kids from school.You are reclaiming your autonomy and responsibility for your actions.And what about that little word that has the power to negate everything that comes before it? Hint: I love you but you drive me crazy… Even a little ‘but’ isn’t desirable in some instances. There is no quicker dampener to some positive feedback or a constructive discussion than a BUT. Team-member: “Your idea is good but you’re forgetting about so-and-so.” Parent: “Great, you got three A’s but your maths score’s low.” Boss: “We’re up this quarter but there’s a long way to go.”You’ll notice the ‘but’ cuts the comment and what the listener focuses on and takes away is only what comes after it. They will perceive that to be the message of the statement, so be sure of the message you intend. (And BTW, ‘however’ is just a fancy ‘but’).There’s an easy but-reducing solution: AND. And maintains the integrity of your initial comment while adding room for more detail. “Your idea is good and let’s remember to include so-and-so” etc. It feels positive, collaborative and the listener will get your whole message.Strong languageI’m trying to quit smoking… I’m trying my best… I’ll try and make it to the party… Do you think I’m really going to that party? Probably not, at least don’t bet on it.What is ‘trying’ anyway? Having a go at something but with a built-in escape clause due to likely failure. Yoda was right: "Do or do not. There is no try."Committing with our words naturally supports us taking action on what we say. There is no easy out. Using powerful language also fosters trust in others by communicating our commitment to what’s said.Other ways to Jedi-up your language:Weak vs strong wordsmaybe willpossibly going tohoping planingprobably definitely(I) think (I) knowBeyond wordsWords are important yet they are just the tip of the communication iceberg. Non-verbal communication, body language and intonation make up a huge portion of what our listeners are receiving. It’s not just what we say, it’s how we say it.Ensuring our physical and vocal attitude supports our well-chosen words means our message gets across as intended. The most important non-verbal communication tool is rapport. Without rapport, communication falls on deaf ears.Rapport is the natural ‘dance’ of harmonious interchange where each individual feels able to express him/herself and feels understood. This happens naturally with certain people, we find a connection as if we’re on the same wavelength. Others… not so much. But it is possible to build rapport, even in arbitrary situations, and so increase the trust and responsiveness of your listener.Watch friends in conversation and see how their body positions, gestures, expressions and even vocal pitch and pace match/mirror each other. There is a subtle art to doing this purposefully to create rapport. The key word here is subtle. You can adjust our posture to be somewhat like theirs (their leg is crossed, so is yours). If they engage in much or little: eye contact/hand movements/facial expressions, then increase yours or rein it in accordingly etc. Avoid obvious mimicry or posturing as they might think you’re being unkind or you’ve just lost the plot!Liking the person is not a prerequisite for rapport. In fact, notice when you’re not getting on with someone how you may be out of synch with them. Try subtly shifting yourself using these techniques and you may find more harmony in your communication even if you are not in agreement with each other.Top tips to being a better communicator‘Begin with the end in mind’ the second principle in Stephen Covey’s ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’. In every interaction, action or thought, you should know what you want to achieve as your outcome.Consider that the meaning of our communication is not just what we intended, but the response we receive. If you don’t get the expected reaction, instead of blaming the listener, see how you can adjust your communication to be more effective.If you’re seeking dialogue, ask open questions: What is…? How is…? Tell me about…Closed questions begin with: Can you…? Have you…? Is there anything…? They can be answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and end a discussion.Being an excellent listener is equally important as what you say. Listening skills could fill a page alone but for starters try giving your undivided attention to those speaking to you, not merely planning your next comment. Also, reflecting back and summarising what you’ve heard ensures you have understood correctly and reassures the speaker that you have been paying attention.Next week: Conflict steps to resolve it and better yet, avoid it.Until then, happy communicating and may the force be with you!Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner.For further information telephone 705-7488 or visit www.juliapittcoaching.com.