Should my daughter’s ‘dirty house’ father be part of her life? – The Royal Gazette | Bermuda News, Business, Sports, Events, & Community

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Should my daughter’s ‘dirty house’ father be part of her life?

Dear Carla,

My daughter is seven-months-old and her father hasn't spent much time with her and he has done very little for her. The first three months he didn't spend any time with her due to the fact his mother wanted him to get a test, mind. He is 29. He took a paternity test and it confirmed that he is indeed her father. Since then he has been going weeks without seeing her. About two weeks ago, he had her for the day and the next day she got an infection. His house is dirty and I don't wish her to be there. Now he is telling me that when he’s off for a few days at a time, he wants his daughter but I told him not for the entire time and that his house is too dirty. I have full custody. What rights does he have? Am I wrong for not allowing him to see her for a few days and he doesn't pay for her?

MS CLEAN

Dear Ms Clean,

Although you have full custody of your daughter, her father has the right to be in her life. He wants to be involved, so let him, unless it has been proven that he is a threat to her well-being. Support any opportunity for them to bond. You say that his house is dirty. Dirty by whose standard? Yours? Can you really qualify that? Was there any proof that your daughter’s infection was a direct result of her being at his house? Now onto your last question … YES, allow him to take her although he does not pay. While financial support is important, I commend daddy for wanting to spend time with her. Time is priceless. Let him take her … just monitor her condition when she returns home. Unless you have evidence that substantiates your claim that she got an infection through being at daddy’s house, I would suggest you stop telling people that. Why not talk to him about what is bothering you and hopefully it can be addressed without him being offended.

Dear Carla, My son’s father got engaged but has made no effort to pay child support he owes a combined total of $150,000 in child support for all of his children in the courts. And that isn’t even all of us. Assuming he bought the ring, help me understand how any man can buy an expensive ring and not pay a dime towards his child supports for half a dozen children? How can the female accept knowing he neglects his responsibilities? And he had the nerve to post it on social media. I saw it with my own eyes. I am so angry?

DISGUSTED

Dear Disgusted,

Unfortunately your story is not unique and probably never will be. Although people get upset with me regularly for saying this but for every father who breaks his back to take care of his children, there are many more who don’t. I just don’t get it and never will … they can find the funds for every leisure activity, trip and other items yet refuse to spend money towards their children’s well-being. Men like that are pathetic in my book. And for the record, any women who operate in the same vein are too. As far as the wife to be, are you sure that she has the full scope of what he’s not doing for his children because to be fair to her, she most only knows what he is telling her. I would approach him and let my feelings be known. I would suggest you respectfully approach her and ask her to encourage him to do right by his children, although at the end of the day she doesn’t have to. A non-caring father will do whatever he chooses to do … even if his new spouse does not approve of his actions. In the meanwhile, try not to focus on it, no matter how annoyed it makes you. If your children do not already know, they will one day come to realise who truly had their best interest at heart. But one more thing to ponder … who says HE bought the ring?

Dear Carla,

I have a good friend who is madly in love with her boyfriend. She is in her mid-30s and desperately wants children but refuses to have them out of wedlock. They have been together for a while and she thinks that he is ‘the one’. I know for a fact that he cheats on her all the time. I have even seen it with my own eyes. I have approached him about his ways and he just downplays my comments. Without a doubt he loves her. He treats her like a queen but he refuses to stop cheating. I feel like he is cheating her out of a good life and want to tell her. Should I?

BETWEEN MINDS

Dear Between,

Sure, tell her. But will it make a difference? I know many friendships that have been ruined by one telling the other about their significant other’s indiscretions, so I’d warn you to be careful with that one. Although some may think their friends don’t know the deal, they do know but just choose not to acknowledge it. She’s in her mid-30s. For a woman “starting over” has a greater meaning than when she is in her 20s … especially since she wants to have children and her childbearing days are quickly dissipating. She could be well aware and turning a blind eye due to keeping the good eye on the prize. And a question to ask yourself is can you handle it if she turns on you?

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Published May 13, 2013 at 9:00 am (Updated May 12, 2013 at 11:10 pm)

Should my daughter’s ‘dirty house’ father be part of her life?

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