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I know I should leave him

Dear Carla: Please bear with me, I am in a relationship that I know I should leave. He is like the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead. When he is good he is good, but when he is bad, he is horrid. First of all, he does not have a job, therefore, it is my feeling he has far too much idle time. I have a job which requires me to work shifts. When I work nights, I sleep during the day. This causes problems as he expects me to answer the phone when I am sleeping. I am also expected to check in. He says things like all you have to do is call and say, im sleeping or whatever it is I am doing. I do not do this because calling leads to discussions and discussions lead to accusations. We have disagreements about very silly things especially me answering my phone. He will call and call until I answer. Or say that something is important when it is not. I cannot get through to him that a lot of his suspicions are unreasonable and appear to be paranoiac in nature. He is a heavy drinker and most of the time the belligerent behaviour is when he has been drinking. He also is in denial about how much he does drink. Everything is my fault and when things don't go his way that means no one is listening to him. He does not realise that his moodiness and belligerent behaviour is pushing people away. He does not realise that saying I love you a million times does not mean that you love that person more. He does not realise that I do not wish to defend behaviours formed in his head. I work very hard. I need proper rest. I do not need to be made to feel guilty because I don't answer calls or act like he is my entire world. I just need to know, what would you say, to someone like him. I feel that he is stuck in a rut. That he is not owning up to his own lack of drive. I feel that he lashes out because of his own feelings of inadequacy. He constantly accuses me of not loving him, but yet he has no problem acting unlovable. As I asked before, what would you say to get through to someone like this. I don't wish to give up but I am growing so very tired. — AT THE END OF MY ROPE

Dear End: The writing is on the wall and you know it. He is sick and unhealthy and he is dragging you down with him. You have to make a choice and decide if being with him is in the best interest of your emotional and mental well being. He sounds like he is a control freak who is manipulating you. Although you may love him, you have to love yourself more. And you are correct, the accusations are directly correlated to his insecurities. Although he may act the way he does, he really could be feeling the opposite ... scared and insufficient. I stand by the belief that no matter how foolish one acts, they take time to look at themselves during their quiet time. But acknowledging their wrongs aloud is a different story. Lay your cards down on the table. Tell him he needs help. And if he doesn't get it, walk away. And don't look back because if you keep returning to him, he will see no reason to do better. Good luck.

Dear Carla: I am estranged from my siblings for a long time. Both our parents have passed and while I had children, I yearn to be around my immediate family. One of my cousins says I should just call them and reach out but I am afraid of rejection. They are very close and I'm afraid that if one is against me making amends the rest will follow suit. What should I do? — BLACK SHEEP

Dear Black Sheep: While I understand your fears, reaching out to them is a risk you cannot afford to take. Have you thought to use another family member to mediate a meeting for you? Or what about sending them an e-mail or each of them a card expressing how you feel. It's vital that you find a way to make amends. I don't know what has brought you guys to this juncture, but you will have to address that too no matter how painful. If not it will always be the elephant in the room. I think you have to also prepare yourself for the possibility of one of your siblings not wanting the reconciliation. It may hurt but you have to brace yourself for that. Wishing you and your family the best

Carla Zuill is a certified Life Coach. To submit questions, e-mail carla@royalgazette.com

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Published March 31, 2014 at 9:00 am (Updated March 31, 2014 at 11:02 am)

I know I should leave him

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