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Should I cut off this potential mate?

Nekia Walker. (Photo by Akil Simmons)

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am kinda in a fairly new relationship with someone. We haven’t officially said we are in a relationship yet but every chance my new friend gets he is asking will I be his woman. I honestly do want a relationship but I am just not feeling him completely and I think it’s too early. We have barely spent any time together, mainly because I’m a very busy single mother — busy with work and with my kids. I try to explain this to him and although he says that he does, he doesn’t seem to understand because it’s constant pressure to stop what I’m doing and do what he wants. I can only go to see him late nights when I’m tired since I’m not ready for him to come to me since that would mean he would be around my kids. His comments about me being busy are a bit of a turn off, and it seems like he doesn’t care about my responsibilities.

Not sure what to do. Part of me just wants to cut him off! But I really don’t have a confirmed reason other than I feel he’s a bit insecure.


Not Really Feeling Him

Dear Not Really Feeling Him,

First of all I would like to address that you do not have to have a “confirmed reason” for cutting this potential mate off. Oftentimes we search for reasons to either be with someone or not be with someone, when really this is unnecessary. The only validation and confirmation that you need when choosing a friend, lover, partner, or spouse is that you either want to or do not want to share your life with him. Time is very precious for most everyone nowadays, and as you have pointed out, this is especially true for a single mother.

There may be qualities that you like about him and you may even enjoy your conversations, but in the end it seems as though you are not willing to alter your busy life to accommodate really building something with him. Trust me, when you are sincerely interested in someone, even the busiest schedules creatively find breathing room. Late night visits are not the best foundations for any relationship. At some point you will have to be willing to do more.

You feeling pressured is never a good sign. If you have not formerly entered into a relationship with him as yet and he is already pressuring you to sacrifice time, or anything else for him, then you must understand that this person may have a rather demanding personality and chances are that his behaviour will not get any better whether there is a relationship or not. This kind of personality may be perfect for someone else who has both the time and energy to dedicate to him but it sounds as though you will not. It may be better to sit down with yourself and determine what it is that you want and need from a man and then move on to find someone who blends well with you and your children’s current lifestyle.

With that being said however, do not be afraid to give up control and let someone in who can open up possibilities and show you a different way of doing things. Single mothers can have a hard time creating a life with someone because they seem to want someone to fit into their world along with their children instead of honouring the men in their relationships for the changes that they can bring. Focus on finding someone with attributes that are most important to you — beliefs, goals, etc, that you admire — and be open to creating a life together instead of simply having him play second fiddle to your children and current responsibilities. The right man will enhance rather than compete with or interrupt your life.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have just recently become involved in a relationship with a man who is younger than I. We have grown to be quite serious about each other. I have a very high sex drive which he is very aware of. My concern at this point is that it may be too high at times. He satisfies me 100 per cent always, but when I really want to be with him, we sometimes can’t due to work or other reasons. How can I curb my appetite, without having to put pressure on him.


I Just Can’t Get Enough

Dear I Just Can’t Get Enough,

I have to smile at your question. It is often a misconception that women do not desire or enjoy sex as much as men. We seem to have been put into the emotional/only want to cuddle box. Sex for us is popularly thought to be apparently emotionally-based instead of physically-based. Women are just as much physically driven to have and enjoy sex as men are. There has been some talk that the male type hormone testosterone causes men to be programmed to want sex more, but in actual fact testosterone plays more of a role in aggression than sexuality. Men are, however, encouraged more to freely express their sexual desires. Promiscuous behaviours are also more acceptable for them which leads to the woman’s wants/needs really not being met in the bedroom. We have gone so far as to think that it is actually normal for large amounts of women to have never experienced “the big O” or to have only experienced it through external sensations. It may be common in our society, but it is most definitely not normal.

In any case, I am glad that you have found a way to be accepting of your own sexuality and can be confident in your desires for intimacy. In order to curb your appetite, you must first understand that sometimes sexual appetites that are seemingly over or under active are due to factors and motivators that are not sexually based at all. There are medical reasons for this, as well as psychological reasons. Many people self-medicate by using sex to release stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, or to soothe depression, relieve feelings of loneliness or emptiness, etc. As well, medical conditions that create a lot of heat in the body often send the sex drive into overdrive. This can happen in women of menopausal age as their body gives off heat as a result to having to deal with balancing out the hormones during their post-menstruation years. Diets rich in animal fats, artificial hormones, preservatives, and sugars are also shown to kick up the human sex drive which ultimately leads to a crash effect later on in life. These are just examples that may help you in considering the reason for your big sexual appetite which is important in determining what you could do to curb your appetite.

If you and your lover are rather serious about one another, try creating intimacy rather than passion which will give him time to re-energise and you to curb your appetite. You do not want to burn him out, and you do not want to develop an addiction to sexual gratification. Intimacy building tools find ways of connecting with your lover on various levels that satisfy you as a whole person. Once this begins to happen, you will find that the energy of your sexual desires will transform into energy for all areas of your life. It is important to learn to transform sexual energy rather than to deny it. A sex therapist can personalise different methods for you that will get you in tune with your own desires as well as enhance your connection with your partner. For now, try a new hobby that taps into your creative side, or begin to focus on non-sexual attributes that your lover has and give attention to those things by engaging in activities that honour them.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My husband and I are looking for ways to set goals for our relationship in the coming new year. We pretty much know where we want to go, but are unsure of how to stick to getting what we want. Any suggestions?


Setting Our Goals

Dear Setting Our Goals,

The key to successfully obtaining any goal is to have mini-goals along the way. That is, do not set your sights too big without setting mini-goals along the way that will ultimately help you to reach your bigger goal. When goals are set too big and/or have no clear direction, they often are not obtained and this can cause a strain on relationships if one or both of you feel that not obtaining goals equals failure. Think of it as driving directions to a destination, or stopovers on a trip. Along the way there are markers or landmarks that indicate that you are on the right track. Each of these markers are like mini goals or mini destinations that you must cross on your way to your final destination. With no clear route or flight plan set out, you would be unable to reach where it is that you need to go. The same is for your relationship. Set big goals, but be sure to set mini goals that are attainable along the way. This will give you and your husband a clear path to success when it comes to achieving your ultimate goal(s).