Dear Dr Nekia,

My daughter is marrying a nice young man soon and I would like to give her some motherly advice about marriage. The problem is that I have never been married so I do not know what to say about marriage. What do you think would be the most important piece of helpful advice for her and her new husband?

Sincerely,

Lost For Words

Dear Lost For Words,

The single most important piece of advice that I would give to a newly married couple is to always be honest. Second to this would be to learn to compromise on situations without compromising yourself. Honesty is always very important, especially in the most difficult of situations. The reason for this is that a problem cannot be solved if it cannot first be identified; there is no cure for a disease that is unknown. So being sure that you are always honest will ensure that you will have a fighting chance to resolve issues. Likewise, compromising on situations is an important step in resolving marital problems. You will not agree on everything and this is OK, but you must compromise to come to even ground in order to move forward. The trick is to learn to reach compromises without compromising yourself as an individual. Separate your identity from each situation, and learn to look at situations with an observer’s eye. This is not easy and will take some practice, but is crucial in ensuring that you do not lose yourself or feel unvalidated over time.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a single woman who is finding it difficult to find a suitable husband. The main reason is because I believe that the man should be the provider of the family. All of the men that I have come across are very interested in me until they find out that I expect for them to be providers. Is it just me, or do men seem to want all of the benefits now days without wanting the responsibilities?

Sincerely,

No One’s Benefit

Dear No One’s Benefit,

Your sentiment is shared by other single women. While a great deal of women will assert that they are independent and do not want for a man to be financially responsible for them, there are still a few of us who believe it to be part of the male’s role to provide for his wife and his family. This can easily turn into a lengthy response because of the delicate yet dynamic nature of the subject, however in general terms yes, it would seem that most men do enjoy benefits without responsibility. However, the good news is that you as the woman are in control of deciding what is acceptable versus what is unacceptable. The truth is that many men act or believe certain things because society and personal relationships form and reinforce their point of view. Women play a major role in this. If we as women expect less, then we generally will get less. It is easy for a man to recant his affections for you based on your beliefs because there are many other women out there who will gladly not require him to be so responsible. Both men and women tend to choose the easiest way possible in life, and this includes our choice in romantic relationships. Lack of responsibility and loyalty are the reasons for flighty relationships and shaky marriages. We always believe that we can easily move on to the next person who will satisfy our wants. This model of thinking is seen in business — maximum profits, minimum risk and investment. It may take you longer to find the kind of man that you are seeking, and you may never find him, however you will need to decide how important this issue is to you and then stand by your own convictions. One thing that you may want to consider is voicing your ideals upfront, that way you will not waste time or invest emotions in relationships with men who are not suitable for you. Nevertheless, be encouraged by the fact that there are men out there who share your same values.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a newly married man to a wonderful women who has children by someone else other than myself. I still consider these children to be my own, however I soon learned that not everyone agrees with this sentiment. I am shocked to now know that people would question why it is that I view these children as my own when they biologically only belong to my wife. What is so hard for people to understand about my decision to take on not just a wife but a family? Because, honestly, I just want to knock out the next person that advises me to only look at OUR beautiful children as being only hers.

Sincerely,

They Are Mine Too

Dear They Are Mine Too,

Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on your new marriage. Next I would like to applaud you for your maturity and selflessness in adopting these children as your very own. Going into a committed relationship or a marriage with the idea of this is mine versus this is yours is the absolute sure way to create a shaky foundation of division within a relationship. If you have both made the commitment to share a life and truly become a unit, then there is no room for pettiness, especially where the innocent lives of children are concerned. The children are indeed yours because she is yours. She is a part of you and her children are a part of her, so that makes you all intimately linked together. If you are to have said children under your roof, then you will absolutely be an important parental figure in their lives. I think that people tend to neglect the fact that when you agree to be married, such an agreement is not just between two individuals but is rather the joining of two families. Two genetic lines are merging into one. Likewise, two social constructs are merging into one. Keep your cool and remember that no matter what anyone else’s opinion may be, you are thinking, feeling, and doing right by your wife and your newly formed family.