True love, or just craziness?
Dear Dr Nekia,
I asked my man if he thought that our connection was one based on true love or because we are crazy, and he jokingly said that we are crazy. The reason I asked him that is because I notice that when we are together, we are both so much happier and energised and are also more at peace. When we are apart we are grumpy and are both easier to agitate. I really do want to know though, is this healthy or are we just codependent?
Co-dependently In Love
Dear Co-dependently In Love,
We all have watched the movies about undying love and we all have listened to the affectionate lyrics of songs that relate messages of unquenchable love. Most of us have fantasised at some point about someone loving us unconditionally and them not being able to live without us. This is because deep down inside we want to be cared for and valued by others. However when deciding whether or not you have found love or dysfunction, the first thing you will want to ask yourselves is are you both happy. If the answer is yes, or you find it difficult to know the honest answer to this question, you will then want to ask yourselves does your relationship bring harm to anyone. This would include harm to yourselves in the form of emotional, mental, or physical pain and anguish. Also included would be whether or not your relationship hinders your lives in any way. In other words, does your involvement with one another prevent or interrupt any aspect of your necessary day-to-day living. Relationships that are built on obsessive attachments often carry the red flags of manipulation, guilt, over-dependency, delusion, control, etc. Together, they mimic addiction and can easily add up to some form of abuse or failure to thrive as a couple and/or as an individual. Indeed, the emotional reinforcement, whether positive or negative, that is associated with intimacy and affection can lead to some individuals actualising addiction or codependency to one another. Just remember that as long as the relationship is having positive and healthy impacts on the two of you, it may not be so bad being drunk in love.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I am faced with a terrible situation and I do not know what to do. One of my close friends, myself, her husband, and my fiancee went on an outing where we all enjoyed quite a few cocktails. My friend’s husband however had a bit too much to drink and he came on to me. He started telling me how attracted he was to me and even began rubbing up against me. I did not know what to do at the time so I smiled and gently pushed him away while trying to change the subject as quickly as possible. I heard rumours about him coming onto other women as well yet I have not told a soul because I really did not know if they were true or not. Since then we have all gotten together again and he acts as though nothing ever happened. Do I keep this secret? Do I tell my fiancee? Do I tell my friend? Please help because I am feeling horribly confused about things.
Dear Keeping Secrets,
While you may never be too sure about your friend’s husband’s behaviour with other women, it would not be a far stretch to make the educated guess that if he was comfortable to come onto one of his wife’s close friends, he has probably had no qualms with coming onto strangers. Secondly, to answer you question, the decision of whether or not to tell your friend should be made based upon your intention and feelings. For instance, evidence or no evidence, if your intention is to make your friend aware of her husband’s potential and actual illicit behaviour, then by all means tell her. However, if you are instead intent on revealing to her his unworthiness in hopes that she will leave him, do not tell her. Likewise, if you feel deep down in your gut that you are uneasy and carry guilt about withholding the information, tell her. But if you are just appalled and angered by him then do not tell her. Reason being is that in both cases the former serves to look out for the best interest of your friend while the latter serves to look out for the best interest of you. Self-serving motives are never ever a good reason to disclose delicate information. In addition, and as to whether or not you should alert your fiancee to what has transpired, ask yourself this, do you value your friendship as a group? Do you find it necessary to inform your fiancee about all other men who come onto you? While I am always one who promotes honesty and full disclosure, if you answered yes and no respectively, then you may want to just let it go. However, if you answered somewhat or not really and yes respectively, then you may want to confide in your fiancee. In the end, if keeping the situation to yourself is causing internal harm to you, or external harm to your friend or your relationship of trust that you are building with your future husband, do not sacrifice peace of mind for the sake of being comfortable and non-confrontational.
Dear Dr Nekia,
My husband is complaining of an uncomfortable feeling in his genitals. He asked me to take a look but the only thing that I have noticed that is different is that he is beginning to curve a bit more than usual. I am not a doctor so I do not know what I should be looking for. I told him to make an appointment with his physician, but he is a bit embarrassed about the whole ordeal. Can you give an insight into what could be happening?
Dear Painful Curves,
It is difficult to tell without having further details or without physically examining him, however I am alerted to one specific condition that may be the culprit of his change in genital comfort, appearance, and function — Peyronie’s disease. In Peyronie’s disease, scar tissue develops just beneath the skin of the shaft of the penis. Western medical science is divided and unsure of its causes however traditional and natural medicines ascribe this condition to longstanding inflammation, penile trauma, penile bruising, and even penile fracture which are often known to occur during sports and rough sexual intercourse. It should be noted that Peyronie’s disease affects white males between the ages of 40 and 60. A greater risk of developing the disease occurs for those receiving, or who have received, surgical or radiation as prescribed in accordance with a diagnosis of BPH or prostate cancer. Please try your best to convince him to get examined. This is especially true if he happens to be someone who falls within one or more of the above categories of increased risk. The disease will progress, and it is better to catch it early for hopes of successful non-invasive treatment.
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