How do we know when we’ve found love?
Dear Dr Nekia,
Simply put, what is this thing we call love? And if we do not know what it is how do we know that we have found it?
You ask such a timeless question.
What is love? Scholars, philosophers, theologians, scientists, and free thinkers the world over have tried to identify and describe this thing that we call love, but how many have really succeeded?
Just as love eludes most of us in our day-to-day lives, so it does the minds of those considered to be the most intelligent of beings. Maybe this is because love is not logical. It cannot be comprehended by the mind alone, but rather involves every fibre of our being. The mind must know it, the heart must feel it, and the body must live it. In this we come to see that love is more than mere emotions, a place to be, or a thing to be found, but is rather a whole state of being.
This may be difficult to understand because the English language is one that is based upon possessive nouns. Such a language causes us to view the entire world in relation to ourselves — our ownership, acceptance, rejection, and desire for people, places, and things. And it is this very three-dimensional comprehension and communication of the world that limits our ability to conceive love in its entirety. It may be best to know love for everything that it is not.
Love is not any feeling, knowledge, or physical experience that is negative to our happiness, wellbeing, or our health. This may vary from individual to individual, and indeed we each define love as something personal to ourselves. However, such self-serving definitions of love limit not only ourselves but also limits our ability to perceive and receive love from others who may show it in ways that differ from our perceptions.
Nevertheless, it is important that each of us at least attempt to grasp some concept of love for this is necessary in the recognition, acceptance, and sharing of love with one another. Furthermore, the recognition of love is a very important overlooked human survival instinct because life itself is love.
Dear Dr Nekia,
What is your take on polygamy?
Sincerely, The Wives
Dear The Wives,
My view on polygamy and polyandry is quite simple. If it works for each individual involved as well as benefits the community at large, there is no issue in my mind.
Excluding religious and political ideals of some nations, polygamy has many benefits as long as it is practised with no harm and no self-serving purposes.
However, most polygamous unions today are riddled with miseducation and abusive thoughts and behaviours that are often backed by religion and illogical thought.
Even within modern traditional societies, such unions are now tainted by outside cultural influence which often lead to the exploitation of those involved.
To accept or understand the benefits of poly unions we must begin by realising that the words “husband” and “wife” were first verbs and not nouns. Therefore, to be a husband or a wife to someone meant that you were to be placed in a position of action and not one of entitlement. Such working relationships may or may not have been of a sexual nature. This is why in many societies it was okay for one to marry a parent, sibling, or orphaned child.
So, contrary to mis-informative popular belief, these relationships did not mean that incest or paedophilia was an accepted norm.
Marriage was used to signify a commitment between community members working together for their survival and wellbeing. In any case, most nations are now bound by law and it is this law that we are obligated to follow.
Dear Dr Nekia,
My wife is really starting to annoy me.
She has this little dog and I swear she loves that thing more than she loves me.
She does not give me nearly as much attention as it, and she even revolves our dinner times, outings, sleeping arrangements, and even when we can have sex around the dog’s schedule or comfort. I did not marry my wife for some dog to come lay up in between us nights, or for us to not to be able to enjoy one another because the dog doesn’t like it.
How I feel is that she is better off being married to the dog and not me. I know it is not just her either because a lot of men complain about the same thing. Doc, what’s the deal with women and these little dogs?
Sincerely, Being Replaced
Dear Being Replaced,
This seems to be a common issue that is arising in today’s society. It seems that as women become more career-driven and have less children, they acquire more pets as family members.
Many do not realise that they are displacing a very important part of feminine love, which is love’s nurturing component. Many women are left feeling a sense of incompleteness, longing, or loneliness.
Their distrust of men, disappointment of children, and empty-nest syndromes cause them to place more faith in the affections shown to them by animals.
As well, miniature dogs in particular seemingly never grow up. That is, they remain cute, little and dependent upon the care of their female owners — much like a baby that never grows to disappoint, talk back, or leave their mothers. Nevertheless, whenever there is a pet within a home that is being showed more attention, care, or consideration than a human family member, it is a problem.
This is especially true when the intimacy between spouses is interrupted. It is not okay for pets of any kind to come between intimate partners. And if one chooses the comfort of a pet over that of their spouse or family members, then it says a lot about that person’s ability to connect on a human-to-human basis. Such a choice of allowing one’s loved ones to feel second to or neglected because of personal emotions for a pet, is a big no-no if you want a loving household filled with healthy meaningful relationships.
No one should have to be subject to nor should have to accept being an after-thought to animal companions. Be firm in your non-acceptance and desire to connect more deeply with your wife.
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