Why are women complaining about men?
Dear Dr Nekia,
I hear a lot of women complaining about how men do not do this and that anymore while dating.
Didn't women fight for equal rights? For the right to be treated like men? So why are women complaining about men no longer bending over backwards for them? Why are they not satisfied?
They got what they wanted, and now still want to be treated special.
Sincerely, Just be Satisfied
Dear Just Be Satisfied,
I hear this a lot, so let me take the time to briefly clarify some things.
Most men have not researched for themselves and therefore have no idea what the women's rights movement was about, and judging by your question, you are one of them.
The women's rights movement was born out of the ill treatment of women. Women had no vote, and thus no voice. Women were left husbandless from the war and had to go out into the workforce to not only manufacture goods for the army, but also provide for their families while being paid only a fraction of what a man would get paid.
We tend to romanticise about a time before women's rights that most of us were not around to see, while documentation shows that a woman had no legal rights over anything, including her own body.
What women fought for was for their voices to be heard and the right to choice — choice in government, property, money, her children, her home, and her own body.
This in no way says that we wanted to be treated like a man, rather that we wanted to have the same opportunities of choice as a man would.
This is very similar to blacks fighting for post-Jim Crow civil rights. Just as blacks should not be treated poorly because they have a perception of opportunity, women should not be treated any less well because they have a voice and a right for choice.
To do so would be to say that a woman only deserves to be treated as a special being only if she is voiceless, and being in a state of being completely controlled by men.
Another way of looking at it is for you to ask yourself this question: just because men have the opportunity to provide for themselves and vote, does this mean that they should not be treated with respect, loyalty, and honour by women? Surely not.
I am sure you would agree that your right to work and vote and not be abused has nothing at all to do with how you expect to be treated by women. It is the same for women.
Women's rights for equal opportunity and non-oppression has nothing at all to do with how she should be treated by the men she is romantically involved with.
Her right to live and thrive without harm does not provide an excuse for why she should not be courted, or taken out on dates, or treated with respect, or even why she should not be provided for.
When it comes to the bonding aspect of relationships, it is irrelevant how much money a woman makes and it is irrelevant how much vote she has because no matter these things, we all as women still need men, and we need them to stand up as men.
Granted, this need for men is something that some of we women who perceive independence need to relearn as we have lost value for men. So the cycle continues, men fail to rise to their potential and we continue to devalue you.
Dear Dr Nekia,
How can my husband think he is still committed and loyal even though he has cheated? It really upsets me that he does not see where he broke his commitment to me.
Sincerely, Cheating Is Not Loyalty
Dear Cheating Is not Loyalty,
As is common with the English language, over time the definitions of loyalty and faithfulness have evolved much so that these two concepts have blurred lines of division. However, there is a clear distinction between them. Loyalty denotes keeping to one's obligations and word, while faithfulness involves keeping with one's complete faith in them.
Therefore, loyalty involves the promises that you make to or with someone, while faithfulness involves the other person's expectations or faith that they put in you.
This difference can lead to major division in the two concepts and we see this primarily with men who have extra-marital relationships.
For example, a man can provide for his family, treat his wife and children well, meet all obligations of the household and still have a lover.
To him, he may not be faithful, meaning he may not be living up to your expectations of not being with any other woman, but to him he is still loyal or committed because he is taking care of everything at home that he should. Whether this behaviour and mindset is right or wrong is another issue all together, but I do think that it is important for women to understand why some men consider themselves committed to their marriage even though they have outside lovers.
To be fair, I should say that men are not the only ones with the potential to have this mindset because it has more to do with the choice of an individual rather than the predisposition of a particular sex or gender.
Dear Dr Nekia,
My husband is having problems with erectile dysfunction. He went to his doctor and they have run tests, which have all come back clear. He is into martial arts and yoga, so he is asking me if it would be OK for him to get a certain kind of massage that is known to help. Is this true? Is this even legal?
Sincerely, What Kind Of Massage Is This
Dear What Kind Of Massage Is This,
First of all there are genital reflexology and acupressure massages that do help.
These are medical massages and are not to be confused with massages that simply provide pleasure to the genital area, so legally they are acceptable as they are in no way a form of prostitution nor are they to be classified as a sexual service.
However, besides myself, there are only a couple of persons even qualified to perform this form of massage. Yet, there are persons who claim to be able to provide this service here on the Island.
Be very careful because, void of appropriate training and qualifications, he should not expect results, is putting his genital health at risk, and is at the very least at risk of being accused of paying for sexual favours.
To be sure, you should remain involved in his treatment. Ask about training and qualifications, and even ask if you can sit in on a session.
Most true professionals offer a consultation whereby they can better explain to you both the procedure, why certain area and pressure points are used, and the results that you can expect. If someone feels hesitant about this or refuses information or these services, do not proceed.