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Good sex = good teamwork

Working together: One letter writer asks who is really responsible for a women’s orgasm?

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have read a lot about how during sex it is the woman’s responsibility to make sure that she reaches orgasm, but I am not understanding this.

I mean, why is so much responsibility placed upon women to do everything nowadays? We are not only responsible for working, raising children, taking care of house and home and sexually pleasing our husbands, but for sexually pleasing ourselves too?

This seems a bit much, and if I have to please myself, why should I even bother with including a man in my pleasure at all? Tell me Dr Nekia, who is really responsible for a woman’s orgasm?


Not Just My Responsibility

Dear Not Just My Responsibility,

I can remember when such articles were written and self-proclaimed sexologists and sex gurus began promoting this kind of information.

Mostly it began in the 90s with the women’s empowerment movement of that time. Women were just really beginning to find their voice and their place within powerful positions of society and the workplace and along with this came attempts to reclaim their sexual power and freedom as well.

Unfortunately, this was done based upon male-centred understanding of the female anatomy, and misinterpreted or mistranslated texts such as the Kama Sutra. So the result was education which told us that we are in charge of every aspect of our lives including sexual pleasure.

Men did not fight this too much because it took a lot of responsibility off their shoulders and they no longer had to worry about expectations of sole responsibility regarding bread winning, or having their women reach sexual peaks.

Although many men still feel insecure if a woman does not reach orgasm with them, they now can deflect those feelings by telling themselves that it is not their fault. After all, it must be true since it is what all of the doctors and experts began saying.

The fact of the matter is that the male still carries great responsibility in having the woman reach orgasm. In fact, whether we are talking about male or female orgasm, it is always the responsibility of both partners.

Men must take the time to learn to be good lovers while creating a relaxed yet inviting environment for women, and women must be mentally and physically available to receive the pleasurable sensations that the man offers.

As with most things, during sex, men and women should work as a team in order to reach success.

We must be careful not to buy too much into experts who propagate outlandish feminist theories because it only harms our intimate relationships in that women lose a sense of need and desire or value for men, while men are made complacent and rejected. There is no true union in such a case.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I hear people talking about being in love all the time, but the older I get the more that I am not too sure that love even exists.

I have read a couple of articles on the scientific basis of love and how it is simply chemical responses in the brain that causes us to feel a certain way. If this is true then love is simply a fairy tale based on our brain tricking us because of chemical imbalances.

That doesn’t seem too romantic to me, but does explain why people hurt the ones that they claim to love, and why they fall in and out of love so often.

What say you, does love really exist or not?


An Unbeliever Of Love

Dear An Unbeliever Of Love,

While it is true that science has found that during states of arousal chemicals within the brain either increase or decrease, it is important to know also that they cannot say that such chemical changes occur because of the arousal state or that the chemical changes are what cause the arousal state itself.

So it would be incorrect to just assume that we experience arousal because of chemical reactions. Secondly, we must be clear that love is not an emotion. It is not a feeling and therefore is not conclusively based upon arousal reactions.

Love is a state of being. It involves the entire being — from the physical to the ethereal — and therefore is not limited to just the experience of the emotional being.

The emotions that we feel during states of love make up a language that communicates to us responses to our external environment, which then build ideas and thoughts of love within our mental being that motivates our physical being to carry out actions of love. Connecting with another person through loving intentions creates a spiritual experience between our ethereal beings which then trickles down to our emotional, mental and physical selves. So love is more than mere emotions, it is in fact a total being experience.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is it true that women can only climax through external stimulation and by touching the G-spot?


How To Make Her Climax

Dear How To Make Her Climax,

No this is not true. While these are the easiest methods because the clitoris and the G-spot are both highly sensitive areas of the woman’s body, there are many other areas of the vulva, vagina and other body parts that can cause a woman to climax.

In fact the so called G-spot, named after the German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, is said to be the internal root of the clitoris that is an erogenous zone located two to three inches within the anterior (front) wall of the vaginal wall.

However, its existence has not been proven aside from claims by cosmetic gynecologist Adam Ostrzenski, that it resembles a bunch of tiny grapes housed within a bluish sac.

In any case, along with the idea that women only or mainly climax through external clitoral or internal G-spot stimulation is another myth that left women feeling horrible about their sexuality and men feeling wonderful about theirs.

You see, no longer did men have to feel bad about being selfish during intercourse because women only climax externally anyway, and no longer did they have to feel bad if they were inadequate in the size of their penis because all that’s needed is two to three inches to reach the G-spot.

This led to common sexual practices such as making a woman climax through oral sex just to please her and get her pleasure out of the way first, and finger penetration in an attempt to make her “squirt” or ejaculate.

If men try either or both of these tactics and the woman still does not reach climax, she is often blamed of being incapable. This has left a lot of women wondering what is wrong with them.

The fact is that women have numerous zones located both in and on our bodies that can lead us to climax and orgasm.

It just takes a patient and willing partner to create experiences that our bodies respond to and enjoy.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com