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Don’t shut out love because of fear

Dear Dr Nekia,

Why does love hurt so badly? It must be a cruel joke.

Sincerely,

Hurt By Love

Dear Hurt By Love,

That's so sad that you think love to be a cruel joke. It means that you have been disappointed many times which I would like you to know has nothing to do with love at all.

What it does have to do with are choices. The choices that we make to trust but more so the choices that others make to hurt us.

Sometimes such choices are not conscious plans to intentionally bring us harm and sometimes these choices are only harmful to us because of the way that we ourselves perceive them.

Nevertheless, it is neither acts nor states of love that hurt us; And we must try our best to not allow ourselves to, out of fear and disgust, shut out love to keep from being hurt.

Should we choose this for ourselves, we would be allowing the choices and actions of others to affect us so much that we change ourselves into becoming people who would prefer to live loveless lives rather than take a chance or two at love.

In essence we would be allowing others to permanently control who we become and the life that we choose.

We must remember that only hurt people hurt people and often times these people move on to find happiness and love for themselves while we are left behind untrusting and broken spirited.

It is not until we make the choice to truly heal that we can take back our power from others and move on to be happy also.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Whenever me and my boyfriend get into a heated argument he is the first to end the relationship.

I am fed up of him breaking up with me all of the time and expecting me to just take him back when he calms down. He blames his behaviour on abandonment issues which causes him to want to break up with me before I do it to him, but I'm beginning to think that it is all just an excuse.

I love him, but I am wondering if I should take him back this time.

Sincerely,

Break Up To Make Up

Dear Break Up To Make Up,

It is very difficult to love someone who is suffering from post-traumatic abandonment, however it can be done.

To avoid the relationship from turning into one of codependency, you will want to set clear boundaries.

Often, manipulation is used by people who have been abandoned in order to establish and maintain a certain level of security for themselves. Within the context of relationships, persons with a sense of abandonment usually use some noticeable measure of control over their partner.

This is not to be malicious and is not necessarily physical or harmful but rather control tactics are used to calm their fears because for them, fears of re-abandonment are what triggers emotional breakdowns.

It sounds as though the threat of a break-up is what is triggering this for him. As the intensity of the dispute rises so will be the likelihood that he will sense the need to protect himself against you walking out of his life.

Your walking out will be perceived, by him, as you abandoning him.

This is true no matter the circumstance because he will equate the sense of loss that he will feel as being abandonment.

All thoughts about the break-up will support his abandonment theory no matter what the real situation is.

If you choose to rekindle your relationship with him, you just let him know that while you do understand his fears, his behaviour is unacceptable.

You also must stress to him the importance of seeking help to overcome these fears, because if not, he will continue to create situations of loneliness which are the very ones that he is trying to protect himself from.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I just got married to my beautiful bride but am having trouble with the fellas.

They are giving me a hard time because my wife stays at home while I go out and work multiple jobs to support our growing family. They joke about how she knows she has it good or how she is lazy or unambitious and too dependent; but I like the fact that she stays at home.

She manages the house well and I am very well taken care of. We take care of one another. My wife is far from lazy and has a master's degree, but we both agree that raising our children is our greatest joy and responsibility so she is best staying at home.

How can I get my friends to stop clowning me?

Sincerely,

The Bread Winner

Dear The Bread Winner,

Often people make fun of the very things that others have that they want.

You have found yourself a wife with whom you can work with and raise solid family relationships with.

If the teasing that you are receiving is bothering you, let them know. If they are concerned for your wellbeing, have a talk with them to get them to understand your position.

Ultimately your relationship and the dynamics of your household are between you and your wife. It is true that women who choose to stay at home often receive a lot of negativity.

People can have the perception of her being uneducated, lazy, opportunistic, etc, but that is because of how society at large has shifted to thinking that anyone who is not employed in the workforce to pursue money can not be trusted or is lazy. You and your wife are working as a team.

You are the financial provider and she manages the home.

There is definitely something great to say about the environment of a home when part of the team can remain there to ensure that it runs smoothly, and to provide security for growing children.

This is a huge responsibility and investing in the home and children is just about the most ambitious and unlazy thing that we could do.

For many of us, we would agree that the happiness and security of our family is far more important than an additional paycheque.

So, if you and your wife have a working system, do not let what others say bother you too much. Find balance between career and home and enjoy a happy life with your wife and children.

Nekia Walker. (Photo by Akil Simmons)

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Published September 21, 2015 at 9:00 am (Updated September 21, 2015 at 12:55 am)

Don’t shut out love because of fear

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