Contempt for lover’s wife is unhealthy
Dear Dr Nekia,
I read your column last week and want to ask, do you not think you were a bit harsh towards the young lady who was her boss's mistress? I do not doubt she was unfortunate to be put in such a position that is causing her pain, but even mistresses have feelings.
Sincerely, Mistress With Feelings
Dear Mistress With Feelings,
I understand your concern. My position is not to judge nor be the jury for anyone's choices of actions. My response to that young lady was based upon a couple of facts. One is the subconscious sense of entitlement held by the belief that physical beauty warranted her to be a superior candidate to be loved by her boss when compared with his wife. This is a dangerous and false sense of self-worth.
No amount of perceived physical beauty, or lack thereof, entitles anyone to be loved or wanted more than another. This is especially true when speaking of infidelity.
Secondly, the contempt for the wife is very unhealthy and because this is heightened by the fact the wife remains unconfrontational, points to the mistress seeking an outlet for her frustrations. Also, this behaviour could indicate a history of violence or agitated relationships.
Lastly, a mistress expressing the need to restrict or prohibit a wife from attending any function with her husband indicates that any hurt or irritation that is being experienced is escalating.
Yes mistresses have feelings. Whether we are a wife, husband, mistress or lover, we are all human and all have needs, desires, hopes, and wants, which drive us to not always make the best choices in our relationships.
Sadly, at the centre of all of this is the boss who is a using his professional and marital position as a man of leadership. Hopefully, he can reconcile these relationships and bring peace to the lives of all who are affected.
Dear Dr Nekia,
My husband and I have fallen out of love. Neither one of us wants the other to touch them. When I think back to our happy years, I remember how good it felt to lay in his arms and be intimate with him, however, I have no desire to be with him in that way now. I know that he feels the same way. We grew apart and do not know how to get it back. We work perfectly as friends, parents, and dutiful spouses, but there is absolutely no intimacy. What can we do to begin to get it back?
Sincerely, Lost Interest
Dear Lost Interest,
While a healthy dose of intimacy is a strong indicator of love, it is not what defines love.
Be careful that you do not dismiss the presence of love because you and your husband are having trouble being intimate. Try to get things back on track by taking things slowly. Engage in activities that produce no pressure or urgency.
Have pillow talk at night, make an effort to touch one another through the day in non-sexual ways, greet and part from one another with a kiss.
Begin by giving kisses on the cheek or forehead if kissing on the mouth is too personal or uncomfortable. These are just a few examples. Pick a hobby you both can enjoy that creates an opportunity for you both to laugh and enjoy one another's company.
If anger or resentment is an issue, try an activity where you can nurture something or someone, such as nurturing a plant for it to grow. If a lack of trust is plaguing the relationship, try activities in which you rely on one another, such as couple's yoga. Fulfilling relationships with a healthy dose of intimacy begin outside of the bedroom.
Dear Dr Nekia,
A friend is getting married soon but I found out that her fiancé cheated on her recently.
I have concrete proof, and he has admitted it to me. He says that it was only a one-time thing and that he will never do it again. He is begging me not to tell her.
Part of me wants to let her know, but part of me wonders, what if he is telling the truth?
She thinks the world of this man and he otherwise treats her very well. I do not want to ruin her chance at happiness. What should I do?
Sincerely, Boat Rocker
Dear Boat Rocker,
I understand your hesitation and being of two minds. Ask yourself, would you want to know if you had a cheating fiancé?
Decide which outcome carries with it the most benefit and least hurt for your friend. If you tell her, you run the risk of seeing her with a broken heart and her relationship ending. If you do not tell her, you run the risk of being a disloyal friend with a secret that could possibly have saved her from marrying a cheater. Either way is a risk that you have to be willing to take.
However, should you choose to tell her, you must not feel as though you are responsible for the outcome. You are not the one who engaged in actions that would lead to the hurt or pain that will result from it. That responsibility lies with the fiancé.
A more comfortable option may be to have the fiancé tell her. It was his transgression and it is his relationship. He will not want to do this, but let him know that you will respect him enough to give him the opportunity during a certain timeframe, and should he not come clean, you will tell your friend yourself.
Let him see that him telling will be far better than if you were to do so. She may be able to forgive him if he is the one who admits to his wrong.
Nevertheless, it is unfortunate that you have been given this great responsibility, but then again maybe you were placed in this position because you are the one who is able to make the best decision.
Trust your gut, look at the overall picture, and have the courage to do what you truly feel is right.
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