Dear Dr Nekia,

I am married to an alcoholic, and my husband has been battling this for a few years now. It is not easy. Sometimes he does really well and goes to his meetings, and other times things get really bad. At first I used to be embarrassed by his drinking, but since making the decision to stay married to him, I try to just be supportive. However, I am finding that a further support system just is not there. I have lost friends, and his family has turned away. I am really upset by this because I am being judged for his actions. I just don’t understand how friends can accept their cheating husbands, but talk about me behind my back because I did not divorce my husband who is an alcoholic. Why are some transgressions so accepted, while others are not?

Sincerely,

An Alcoholic’s Wife

Dear An Alcoholic’s Wife,

I am sure it can not be easy having to deal with the effects of your husband’s addiction to alcohol. Addiction of any kind is an unfortunate issue to have to face in a marriage, but since you have made the decision to stand by your husband you will find that there will be many unexpected or unanticipated experiences that you will have to face together. One such experience is what you are mentioning here. Addiction is a part of human behaviour that is not understood very well and as a consequence it is feared by many. People tend to be very judgmental towards people and things that they do not understand. Added to this is the negative social stigma that comes along with addiction due to the unfavourable, and sometimes illegal activities that the addict tends to indulge in. Yet, even though addicts are judged according to social standards, in general, people do not see addiction as a social issue but rather as a personal weakness of the individual. And while the hurtful actions of the addict does play a major role in the decisions of others, it is ultimately fear and misunderstanding of addiction that makes people ultimately turn their backs on the addict and anyone who chooses to stand by him or her. Realistically, I would not look for much support, sympathy, or patience from anyone, outside of established social support addictions populations. So it will be very important for both you and your husband to seek professional and supportive help via counsellors, mentors and the various support groups available. Your husband will need to build a positive support system for himself that will involve others on the road to recovery, and you will need to do the same with support groups centred around others who have loved ones battling addiction. Your needs for support will be different from his needs, but it is very important that you both find the necessary support so that you can be strong enough to face and overcome this together. As for your question, the truth is that certain transgressions are accepted by people because most people follow along with what society says is acceptable or not. The reality is that a cheating husband is seen as being a norm; an unfortunate norm, but a norm nevertheless, that more often than not goes forgiven or overlooked by wives. Addiction, on the other hand, is not such a norm, so it tends to be unforgivable. It is interesting the comparison between the two because with cheating there are most certainly risks to the health and stability of the entire family just as much as there is with addiction. One of the only few differences is that with an addict you know of their struggle so you can both choose whether or not to deal with it as well as how to face it, but with cheating you often have no idea that your health and wellbeing is at risk. I know it is disappointing to have to face both the betrayal that comes along with addiction as well as the feeling of being betrayed by others who choose to shun you, but try to focus on the road ahead. You are going to need a lot of strength and for your attention to be positive. You cannot change anyone’s mind, so wish the negative people well and continue on with your journey.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a single mother. I consider myself to be one even though I am still in a relationship with my daughter’s dad because we are not married and do not live in the same household. He does co-parent, but the lack of security still bothers me and is what really makes me consider myself a single parent. Anyhow, I am not the type to go out much and I have found a hobby that I now enjoy. The problem is that because my daughter’s dad is so used to me being at home or at work, he does little things to interrupt or prevent me from my interest. He makes little comments, or refuses to take our daughter for the few extra hours per week and it is making me second-guess where our relationship is going. I know that women give up a lot to be in a relationship, but is this really fair? Am I wrong to question our future together because of this?

Sincerely,

Feeling Not So Free

Dear Feeling Not So Free,

No it is not fair and no, you are not wrong to question the direction of your relationship. You are doing quite the opposite from what a lot of people would do. You are paying attention to a red flag that indicates a situation that needs to be addressed. Many men are either selfish or insecure and this shows in their relationship the moment that their woman ventures out to enjoy things in life that he is not included in. Whether it is a girls’ nights out or a hobby, some men cannot handle a woman wanting time to herself. Some get jealous of her attention being given to something or someone other than themselves and some feel that once a woman is in a committed relationship she has no need to be out and about unnecessarily. These points of view get amplified when a child is involved, which makes the man use guilt to restrain the woman. One guilt tactic would be to make the woman feel as though she is not a good mother or is neglecting her child because she wants time to herself. You will recognise this when he makes comments such as, “you should get your priorities straight” or “your child should come first not your friends”. It is up to you to be secure in yourself as a good woman and a good mother, because these kinds of men have the tendency to control through guilt and cause insecurity or low-self esteem in their woman. Anytime that you notice signs of control, or a man being overbearing, it is time to have a serious discussion about things. Find out exactly what his expectations are of you, why he may be feeling insecure, and how these issues can be resolved. Do not just take his word for it or his promises to change. Instead, keep an eye out for active positive change in his attitude and behaviour regarding this. The last thing you will want to do is further your commitment to a man who is going to control you and create an unhealthy living environment for you and your daughter. Everyone, whether male or female, has the natural right to live out their life and dreams. The key is choosing a partner that supports, respects and participates in your vision for your life. If you have to mute or reprise any side of yourself in order to be with someone, then this is not compromise, this is sabotage. You would be allowing the expectations and wants of another person to sabotage your growth and rob you of life experiences. Do not do this. Stay strong in yourself and understand that you are not the one with the problem here, he is — and he needs to fix it. You can help him to do this, but it needs to begin and end with him realising his unwanted dominance and need to change.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My girl pushes me away in her sleep. We now live together and I am beginning to wonder why she pushes me away at night. If we are awake she likes to cuddle, but as soon as she is asleep she is pushing me away and says get off me. It’s not like I would be even trying to have sex, just touch her.

I tell her about it and she says she does not remember because she is asleep and cannot control what she does. It still bothers me though.

Sincerely,

One Person Awake,

But Another Person

When She Sleeps

Dear One Person Awake, But Another Person When She Sleeps,/b>,

When a person is sleeping, their conscious mind tends to be at rest.

They are not actively thinking about their thoughts, feelings, perceptions, or actions so they tend to not remember what they say and do. The brain, however, is still very much alive and awake.

You deal with her conscious personality when she is awake, and her subconscious personality while she is asleep. Her subconscious personality may be guarded towards you, or may feel threatened by you. Understand that the reasons for this may not be any fault of your own. The subconscious acts off deeper desires, fears, memories and repressed emotions, all of which she may not even realise that she has when she is in her awakened state. Another explanation is that her subconscious personality that you meet while she is asleep is revealing to you how she truly feels about you. Women enter into relationships for many reasons, and if the reasons are other than genuine affection, you will notice signs of this in her sleep patterns. This is because the subconscious mind is one that tells the truth. It has no desire or need to think up lies. Hopefully this is not the case, but I have to be honest and let you know the possibilities that you could be facing.

You really do not have enough to go by for you to accuse her of being with you under false pretences, but you do have enough information to question her and assure her that whatever it is that is bothering her, you would like to help resolve.

If she refuses to even consider what could be causing this issue, and continues to not accept accountability because she feels she is not responsible for what she does while asleep, then there is not much that you can do. The thing with relationships is that it takes two, and no one person can fix another person to make things better.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com