Dear Dr Nekia,

Why do women seem to age better than men, and outlive men? Also, why do married men live longer than single men? I mean, especially since I hear a lot of my married friends say, “Don’t get married mate, the stress kills you”.

Sincerely,

You All Out Live Us

Dear You All Out Live Us,

Great questions. First of all, it is thought that women generally outlive men because of lifestyle choices. Females, not women since we are speaking of sex and not gender here, tend to live lives that are less risky in behaviour than males. It’s not the sole reason though. Very taboo to religious circles, who believe that the female is the weaker vessel, and controversial within male-dominated medical circles is the fact that females are simply built to last longer. Males are genetically programmed for greater muscle strength and bursts of energy; think of them as sprinters, or bursts of flame. Females, meanwhile, are genetically programmed for endurance. Think of cross-country runners and low, steady burning flames; it’s what allows us to handle pregnancy so well. During the actual birth process, we get a boost of testosterone needed for strength at that time. In general, all life starts out to be female, and this is true for humans as well. Females carry the sex-determining chromosomes of XX while males carry XY. The Y chromosome is really a smaller X chromosome with a deletion. This means that the male will develop and mature differently from the female, and that he won’t carry all the genetic material that the female will. As for married men living longer than their single peers, this has a lot to do with lifestyle. Married men are generally better cared for than single men and live lives that are less stressful. Most of us do not understand the phenomenon of stress and greatly underestimate its effects on our bodies. Just sleeping next to someone automatically lowers stress levels. Also, sex within a loving relationship is far more satisfying and has far more stress-relieving properties than casual sex. This is very important for men who are looking for longevity in their sexual performance as well as in their overall quality and span of life. It’s true that married couples gripe about almost everything but studies still show that married men are far better off than their single peers when it comes to emotional and physical health. So don’t be afraid to cuddle up to your chosen significant other every night. Besides, everyone’s marriage is different, so do not let the naysayers deter you from finding health and happiness.

Dear Dr Nekia,

There is a man that I am interested in who is also interested in me. But he lives with his girlfriend. I don’t know why he is with her, well yes I do, he tells me because she is a good woman and things are easier being with her than being out on his own. He also tells me that things are not what they seem. I have known him for a while now and he seems very sincere in what he says. I have been tempted to find out where things could go with him, but I have not acted out on it because I do not want to be that other woman, or the cause of their break-up. Still, I cannot deny that I have feelings for him. I wish that he would just leave her on his own.

Sincerely,

Not The Other Woman

Dear Not The Other Woman,

It is wonderful to hear that you are not letting your emotions control your actions. Far too often we talk ourselves into unhealthy situations and behaviours because of negative emotions. In this case, a normally positive emotion, affection, is a negative emotion because, based on this situation, it has the great potential of bringing you harm. Any given emotion is never always positive or always negative. Situation determines the nature of the emotion and we must remember to be aware of this. It is understood that while you both may have feelings for one another, he definitely has some cleaning up to do. Men tend to not like to take the risk of leaving a secure situation for an iffy one, and you should have the same standards for yourself. Do not be the one to take all the risk. The reality is that no matter how complicated or difficult the situation is, if his interest in you or affections for you outweigh his current circumstance, he will remove himself and prove himself capable of caring for you in the way which you deserve. This means that from the onset you will be compromising and settling for being less than a priority. It is most certainly not a desirable way to begin a relationship even if it is just to see where things potentially could go. The bottom line is that when a man or a woman truly cares for you they will not want you to get caught up in their mess. In fact, they will do their best to ensure that you feel safe and comfortable with them, and they most certainly would not expect for you to share their attention unless you both are in agreement to that type of mutually beneficial relationship. This does not sound like it is the case here, both on his part and yours, because you are already emotionally invested. Quite honestly, it sounds as if he has some growing and searching within himself to do as a man. Notable to this is that he uses his ease of life with her as the reason for him being in the relationship. Even if this is true, as it is for many men in these times, you must ask herself, honestly, do you want to pick up someone else’s baggage? Needing help is not necessarily a male character flaw however using someone is, and you must not ignore the fact that he is essentially telling you that he has not yet come into himself as a man where he can stand on his own emotionally or financially, whatever the particulars of his case may be. He says that things are not what they seem, so he is a pretender — whether he is pretending to you or to his woman. I commend you for making the honourable decision to not give in to your temptation, because there are a lot of lonely women out there who would not have thought twice about jumping at the opportunity. Let him go pursue one of them.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I had a miscarriage but I notice that whenever I am around babies for a period of time I develop symptoms of pregnancy. My belly even gets bloated. Is this normal? No one believes me, not even my boyfriend or my doctor, but I know how I feel and it is very real. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m crazy, and I’m beginning to resent the miscarried baby’s father for his lack of support and understanding.

Sincerely,

I Get Pregnancy Symptoms

Dear I Get Pregnancy Symptoms,

Sympathy pregnancies, just like phantom or ghost pregnancies, are a very real phenomenon. Sympathy pregnancies are most seen among close friends of mommy-to-be and the fathers of the expected child. This is where non-pregnant persons who are emotionally or physically close to the pregnant woman develop signs of pregnancy. In your case, you may be still emotionally attached to the idea of being pregnant, or your body may be picking up on the pregnancy symptoms of others. We have five major senses that we use to take in information from our external environment. These senses work together to give our brains specific information on what’s going on in the world around us. Our brains then interpret this information in a very personalised manner. Because we all have the same anatomical and chemical structures within our sense organs and our brains, others experience things similarly to how we do, but not exactly. Your body very well may be interpreting the external information given to it in a way that’s very relative to its own function. In this case it is pregnancy. It takes time to recover mentally, emotionally, and physically from a miscarriage, and it takes some longer than others. The lack of understanding from friends, family, loved ones and even doctors, is owing to lack of education. Yes, doctors may be educated or aware, but a great majority of them will not believe or entertain theories or ideas that have not been proven by sterile scientific proof. So this limits their acceptance, and thus treatment, of diseases, disorders and phenomenon that cannot and do not fit into their limited modern scientific testing methods.

Usually it is no fault of their own, they just simply have been trained to adhere to this belief. The same is true for our loved ones and peers; it is difficult to accept what is not understood or experienced.

In this case, you will have to focus on your own personal experiences, trust your body and seek the help of those who are open to your situation.

Do not give much energy to the negativity or denial because this will only further frustrate you and cause you to feel worse than you already do about your body and ability to carry a child. It is my guess that you are still mourning the loss of your baby and even if you have mentally come to terms with it, your body has yet to accept it.

Be gentle and patient with yourself as you seek support and help from others.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com