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Husband seems different since taking pills

Rebuild trust: and intimacy will come, a reader is advised

Dear Dr Nekia,

My husband started taking a male-enhancement pill because he was having trouble with his libido. While the pill has worked, things feel different.

Not only does his body feel differently, but also the entire experience. I’m not saying that it isn’t enjoyable, but it feels as though I am having sex with someone else.

I guess this will take a little bit of getting used to, but I do miss what I have become used to all these years. This feels so unfamiliar and unnatural to me. Is what I am experiencing normal?

Sincerely, I Miss My Husband

Dear I Miss My Husband,

This is not an uncommon concern of women. Male-enhancement pills, whether synthetic or natural, work to increase blood flow to the genitals to cause the penis to fully engorge.

Once this happens, the penis is fully erect and expands to its full capacity. Such an erection is very hard — no pun intended — and while the feeling of this is a wonderful boost to the male ego, it can be unfamiliar to women.

The main sexual focus of many men is performance, and this can sometimes overshadow all other enjoyable aspects of sex. These men should keep in mind that how well you do in the bedroom is not dependent solely on technique or the size and strength of your anatomy.

Satisfaction of a job well done also comes from the woman’s perception of feeling. The female vagina is accommodating, yet very sensitive. The delicate tissues experience and react not only to differences in penile size, endurance, and technique, but they also are very responsive to factors such as penile texture, pH and temperature. Enhancement pills alter all these factors.

Additionally, the confidence along with the body’s response to the induced increase in blood circulation often will cause the male to mentally and physically approach sex differently.

So really, your husband could feel strange to you on a mental and physical level. Chances are he will not understand why this is an issue because to him it is great that he feels young and strong again. He is glad that he doesn’t feel the same. To him, it means that the pills are working.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My girlfriend is too pokey. She has to know everything — where I am, what did I do today, what am I thinking, how I feel. If I go to the store she pokes in my bag to see what I bought. I know some women can be curious but when is enough, enough? It’s like a man can’t breathe or have any privacy. Why do women need to know everything all the time?

Sincerely, She’s Too Pokey

Dear She’s Too Pokey,

The reason why women can be so pokey is not of immediate relevancy. What is, is that you feel as though you cannot breathe. This means that whether your girlfriend is really overbearing or whether you just perceive her to be, you feel you have no privacy in the relationship.

This is never a good place to be because you will begin to think and act in ways to create space. Emotionally, to some degree, you will begin to disconnect, and you will become sensitive to everything your girlfriend says or does that is a potential threat to your efforts to create boundaries.

No relationship can survive and be healthy in this case. You may have already begun this process, so take care that you do not begin to view your lover as a potential enemy.

Just as with men, there are women who get very involved with their love interests, while there are also those that are fine with having a relationship where each partner lives separate, independent lives and come together to share what they choose.

There is nothing wrong with either of these types of relationships as long as both people are on the same page. In your case, it sounds as though you and your girlfriend are definitely not.

Women are inquisitive when they are controlling and suspicious. Such women, for whatever reason, are insecure and untrusting. But this is not always the reason why women seem to be all up in their men’s business. Some of us are happy with knowing everything about our man because we can’t get enough of him. We look forward to building a tight bond and creating a life together, and if we feel that our man may not be the best at opening up, we ask questions.

This does two things. Firstly, it makes us feel good about making an honest effort to communicate and, secondly, it is our way of letting you know that we care about what you feel, think and do. We want to become involved in every aspect of your life. If this is not the kind of relationship that makes you feel comfortable, then you should have a serious talk with your girl.

However, I would suggest that you give serious consideration to what it is that you want, because a disinterested woman will give you the space you want. A woman who is not giving herself completely will not invest in you. In other words, she will not concern herself with the fine details of your life just as long as you are providing what she wants overall.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My girl and I are trying to reconcile but she will not have sex with me. A major issue in our relationship was that I drank and smoked. She refused to have sex with me because of this. I respect her reasons but I have stopped, yet she still will not have sex with me. She says that it is because she is not ready to and that we need to rebuild trust, but isn’t being intimate part of trust-building and getting close?

I think she is sleeping with someone else because we haven’t touched one another in months. She says she is not.

Sincerely, Not Getting Any

Dear Not Getting Any,

Someone else may be getting her attention, but we do not know that for sure so let’s stick with what we do know.

She initially chose to refrain from having sex with you because of your negative lifestyle choices. You stated that you are in a stage of reconciliation, so something occurred in your relationship to break you apart. She chose to stick by you, or come back to you, after the break, so we can assume she is willing to give things another try. Whether or not she is seeing someone else, these are the facts. She could have chosen to walk away and be with this supposed other guy but she did not, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is not with anyone else.

From there, we can conclude that, as with any relationship that is shaky, when a woman withdraws from having sex it is because she is not comfortable with the nature of that relationship. In your case, she is telling you that trust needs to be rebuilt. Pay attention to this. Although sex is an invaluable tool that can reintroduce a special bond between two people, and make-up sex is truly powerful and enjoyable, it is not always the best choice.

I advise couples to follow this rule: if your problem is short-term, not too serious and easily mendable, go ahead and recharge your relationship with wonderful make-up sex. The spark will fuel deeper mending and strengthen the bond between you. However, if your problems are long-term, very serious, or keep reoccurring, take a step back from sex. It can confuse things and create a false fix to a very real problem.

If you want your relationship to last, skip the sexual band aid approach and stick through an uncomfortable phase that will ultimately heal any issues.

Refraining from sex forces you to miss one another and direct your attention and energies where they should be. You will both have clearer heads to face one another with honesty.

Your woman is following her intuition to refrain from having sex with you until the relationship is mended. She is truly interested in the distance rather than the thrill. In this time, do your best to learn her true needs. Reflect upon your true intentions and take steps to bring the relationship back to being one that you both enjoy.

What may help is if you try not to look at her as a past woman you are winning back, instead view her like you would a new love interest that you cannot wait to get to know. Start things fresh and show her the man you really are. Be patient, and focus on building friendship and intimacy outside of the bedroom.

Work on enjoying one another’s company as you navigate through this rough period. Focusing on the positive instead of the negative always helps, and the sex will come. When it does, you better be ready for all the goodness that comes along with being in a solid, loving relationship that has survived.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com