Is ex trying to trap me?
Dear Dr Nekia,
Can a woman be almost to her due date and not know that she is pregnant? My ex is now 6 months pregnant and she says she had no idea.
I argued this with her, but she tells me that some women go into labour without knowing they were pregnant and that it is up to me whether I want to believe her or not. I think she is lying. Either about how far she is, or about not knowing and she is trying to trap me because I have moved on.
I'm No Fool
Dear I'm No Fool,
Actually, your ex is correct. It is not unheard of that a woman will go into labour without ever knowing that she was pregnant; and more common are women who reach the second trimester (3-6 months) without knowing.
This is not the norm for most women, however, and there are a lot of factors that go into this which are beyond the scope of this column. For now, I cannot speak to whether or not she is telling the truth, but I can assure you that there is a possibility that there is some truth to what she is saying. I can also advise you of what to do if you are in doubt. Since we know right now that there is a possibility that she is being honest and is not trying to trap you, I would advise you to hold off from any judgments. It is not fair to her to be accused and it is not fair to you that you would put yourself through the unnecessary emotions of getting so upset.
Instead, schedule an appointment with her and her gynecologist, go to the appointment, and request that an ultrasound be performed. Ask that the doctor explain to you how it is determined how far along a pregnant woman is. Understanding this along with the visual evidence of the ultrasound will give you peace of mind when determining whether or not the child is yours. If you want to know more details about pregnancy, ask the doctor what would cause a woman to be pregnant for so long and not know. Do this in an appointment where your ex is present as well, that way the doctor will have permission to openly discuss the history of the pregnancy and what your ex has been experiencing. If your ex refuses to set up such appointments, then you will have every right to question her motives.
It is easy to resent your ex and to point the finger at her in the face of what is going to change your life and prevent you from completely moving on from her, but in all fairness, you do have to face the consequences of your former relationship. Harbouring resentment will not do any good for either of you, nor the baby. If the child is yours, whether or not she kept knowledge of the pregnancy from you, you will have to let go of your ill feelings towards her and instead focus on becoming the best father that you can to this new life that you have helped to create.
Sounds easier than it is? Yes I know, but this is where maturity and logic comes into play. You will have to prepare yourself to become the support and lead that your little one will deserve and need.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I'm a Christian, and I have a highly controversial question to ask you. I am not sure if you will even want to answer this, but I really would like to know what you think since you often incorporate a spiritual component to your counselling. Do you think that Jesus had sex? And if so, then why is sex so taboo a topic within the church.
Religion & Sex
Dear Religion & Sex,
I must admit that I debated about whether to tackle this one. But, once again, I will not shy away from the difficult topics. I will try my best to answer your questions, but everyone should know that this response is in no way comprehensive and is just a brief overview of some important points regarding sex in the Bible. So, let's begin.
Within Christianity there is a belief that sex is a gift from God that is given to married people. The creation of Adam and Eve is used to imply marriage even though no formal ceremony or mention of marriage between them is written. From there the order to be fruitful and multiple was given, but we are told that they were initially given two sons from their union. Later we are told that a daughter was also born, but the question arises of where did Adam And Eve's sons find wives and whether or not they took on their sisters as wives. This most certainly raises a few eyebrows doesn't it?
Nevertheless, fast forward and we have the virgin Mary who is said to have conceived Christ out of the Holy Spirit. And that Christ is the Son of God, or that He was God in Flesh who came to save us from our sins. Remember also that we were all born in sin and shaped in inequity.
Some denominations think that this means that sex is sin and is only made clean in the context of marriage. This poses a problem however, because even children conceived within a marriage are still taught to believe that they are born of sin and shaped of inequity. Generally they are created of sin because they are still the product or offspring of the original sin. In some circles, this causes people to imply that sex is the original sin. Which could not really be unless Adam and Eve were instructed to multiply by another means that was not sex.
Nevertheless, we are brought to the topic of Jesus, who was depending on your beliefs, The Son and/or God in Flesh. It is said that he is the Spirit come to have a human experience so that we may be taught how to be righteous and also that we may be saved.
We were made in His image and to be human is to be the beloved creation of God. But because of original sin, we are open to, are influenced by, and are made up of both good and evil; and are free to choose which we will be. God made everything and knows everything, so this would mean that He also knows and made evil. It is a sticky topic and seems that I am going off topic I know, but bear with me. If we begin to shift our view and definition of evil then it is not so bad that evil was created. Evil just means anything that is against or opposite to righteousness.
And this does not mean that we should all just give in to our evil side but rather there needs to be an understanding that creation is built upon balance, and so there is also to be a harmonious balance that exists between positive and negative.
According to the Bible, it was never God's intent for mankind to know the evil side of things, but rather He wanted for His creation to live unknowingly in good. Well, the human sex drive is one of the strongest of our drives, so we must ask ourselves, is this drive good or is it evil? I would think that it is of good because the order to be fruitful and multiple was given to animals and mankind before the fall of Adam and Eve. It would therefore be my guess that the introduction of evil into human consciousness did not bring about sex itself, but instead tainted it and made it perverse in the minds and heart of man.
Desire is most certainly a breeding ground for negativity and evil. So to recap, if mankind was made in the image of God and sex itself is not evil, then what would be so wrong with the idea that Jesus the beloved Son and God in Flesh also had sexual desires? And if He indeed came to have the human experience, then why would it be that He was born, raised, and lived as a man, yet did not have the sexual nature of a man? Did God then come in the form of His Son, but omit that fruitful part of Himself? If we believe yes it is so, this would be rather counterproductive to His cause, because the purpose was for Him to come as a man and to reside among men in order to live by example and teach the road to righteousness.
In addition, we would have to address the fact that the word virgin in virgin birth originally meant unmarried and not today's meaning of to have never had sexual intercourse. As well, we would have to analyse the evidence of Jesus having a female companion who was or who was at least equal to a wife. This is most indicated in the funeral rights that was given to a particular woman who was close to him; for she was allowed to perform rights that were only legally reserved for a wife or a mother. If Jesus did exist, and if He was the Son of God, and if He was God in Flesh who came to die for our sins, it is my guess that He did experience human sexuality and that He may have given into His sexual urges. I would think that such a strong human urge that is largely based upon instinct would be very important for Him to experience along his journey in order to fulfil the purpose of His life completely.
That is, He came to die for all the sins of man and not all except sexual sin, right? I think that the church is uncomfortable with the topic of sex because of the perversion that exists in the hearts and minds of men, not because of a belief that the original nature of sex is evil. Also, there is a fear of speaking the truth about the power and beauty of sex, because the church does not trust the masses with such information. You see the reason why original creation was told to be fruitful and multiply is because sex is the driving force behind creation and life itself. God may be the only being who can create life from nothing, but His creations can create life from life. This ability gives both power and purpose to mankind.
Sexual energy is indeed the most powerful energy that is known to mankind, and far too many of us do not realise that it is not to be taken lightly as it can be harnessed for use in all areas of our lives. It can heal as well as it can give disease, it can empower as well as it can weaken, it can create and manifest as well as it can destroy.
And while some individual pastors will freely teach on the topic of sex, such power of its knowledge and how to use it most certainly will not be taught by the church at large, as the need for the church would become obsolete should people be able to harness the power of creation and manifestation.
Indeed, our connection to God would be stronger because we would be tapping into our creative abilities where anything would be possible. So whether or not Jesus The Christ did or did not have sex, I think that He most certainly understood it and that He used sexual creative energy for its intended pure and highest purposes rather than for fulfilling the lower lusts of man.