Transgenderism and homosexuality confusion
Dear Dr Nekia,
I'm confused by this same-sex union thing. What is the difference between a homosexual person and a transgender person? Isn't a transgender person gay? And also what's the difference between the sex someone was born and the gender that they are? Isn't a boy a man and a girl a woman? No disrespect, I just really do not know and everyone I have asked gets confused too.
Sincerely, Clear The Air
Dear Clear The Air,
The easiest thing to do here is to provide you with the definitions of these terms that you have questions about. By using definitions we can clear up most, if not all, confusion while avoiding offending anyone who may misinterpret intentions and what is said.
So let's start at the beginning. Someone's sex is whether or not they are biologically born male or female.
Someone's gender is whether or not they are a boy, girl, man or woman.
A boy is defined as an immature or juvenile male, while a girl is defined as an immature or juvenile female. A man is defined as a matured adult male, while a woman is defined as a matured adult female.
With gender comes cultural cues and expectations that are ascribed or assigned to each one. For example, girls and women wearing dresses versus boys and men wearing pants would be cultural norms assigned to gender; girls and women being seen as more emotional than boys and men would be another.
To be transgender is defined by the root word gender and the prefix trans.
Trans means beyond or opposite to. This means that a transgender individual goes beyond the normal cultural cues of gender and/or identifies themselves with the gender opposite to the one that is assigned to their biological sex.
So a transgender individual breaks the normal cultural ideals of gender or identifies themselves with the gender that is opposite to their own.
Lastly, someone is homosexual if they are sexually attracted to someone of their same sex. It is important to realise that those who take hormones and undergo sex-change operations are not and cannot change their biological sex.
They can, however, conform to look like and feel like the gender of their choice.
Now since the definition of homosexual is not gender specific but biological sex specific we can then say that those who are transgender and are attracted to persons of their same biological sex are indeed homosexual.
However those transgender individuals who break cultural gender norms by simply expressing themselves as the opposite gender while still remaining sexually attracted to the opposite sex would not be homosexual.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I'm a 29-year-old guy who loves dating older women. My girl right now is 34 and she is starting to put the pressure on me to get married and have a baby.
Neither one of us has any children, but I want to wait a couple more years.
She keeps talking about her biological clock, but I'm feeling like it's more about trying to lock me down. I love her but I'm not trying to make those big moves no time soon. I don't want to lose her, but I'm not going to do things just to make her happy. What do I do?
Sincerely, Don't Pressure Me
Dear Don't Pressure Me,
No one should ever feel forced or pressured into making decisions and commitments that they are not ready to make.
With that being said, you also have to realise that when choosing to date older women, it is quite natural that they may be on a slightly different page than you.
Most times this is because they have entered into a phase of life that you have yet to experience.
With women there also is the consideration of the biological clock. Although both men and women have one, women tend to notice it more in their thirties if they have not reached certain milestones in their personal lives.
Oftentimes marriage and having children are the major benchmarks that become very important to us.
This is not just psychological or emotional but also biological-based.
Females have an internal clock that sends hormones that let her know that her fertile years are coming to an end. Nature has done a good job ensuring that there is a next generation of humans, so an internal clock is rather effective at getting a woman's attention to turn towards nesting and conceiving.
She may not be trying to trap you, but rather may be reflecting and realising that her fertile years are coming to a close.
A woman in this position will want to ensure that the man she is investing her time with is not just stringing her along.
Nevertheless, if you are not ready to make serious commitments do not agree to them. Maybe the relationship will work out and maybe it will not but continue to be honest with her and let her decide if she is willing to wait around for you or not.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I really like this guy, but I know that he sees me as nothing more than a friend because things have not progressed at all. He tells me how beautiful and down-to-earth I am, but he also continues to say how he can't find a good woman. He meets women all the time and he is completely overlooking me. Is there any way to get out of the friend zone?
Sincerely, Just A Friend
Dear Just A Friend,
Unfortunately, once you have been “friend zoned”, chances are that your relationship will not move beyond this point. People meet people all the time and the truth is that it does not take men or women long to figure out who goes where.
You may have a healthy friendship with your guy, but it sounds as though, with even as much as he admires you, there was something missing that caused you to be overlooked as a potential love interest.
Most times it boils down to chemistry and physical attraction. This is true for both men and women, just that women tend to have other factors that influence their romantic decisions.
This is not to say that he has never thought of you as being more than friends, but that there is something that has held him back from pursuing a romantic relationship with you.
A lot of time what happens is that a person values you for what you contribute to their lives so they do not want to let you go completely, but they do not exactly want to pursue you either.
You may bring much-needed female companionship that he is comfortable with, but unfortunately the spark is missing.
I say this for your particular case because you mentioned how he does praise you, but at the same time he is actively seeking other women, being disappointed by them, and venting to you about it.
This sounds like he is still searching and yearning for a connection that he just has not felt with you.
Can things change? Yes, but the scenario where a man is blind to what's right there in front of his face and one day falls hopelessly in love with her is hardly ever more than a fairytale.
Try letting him know how you feel.
Do so face-to-face so that you can see his reaction and can gauge for yourself whether or not he is open to the possibility of getting to know one another on a more intimate level.