Dear Dr Nekia,

How do you go about executing a fantasy that both of you have thought of trying? My man and I are exploring the possibility of having a threesome which would involve two females and male. We role play it in our minds together talking during sex ... it makes us both extremely excited. But neither if us really know the steps to take to make this fantasy become a reality.

Sincerely,

We Want A Threesome

Dear We Want A Threesome,

It is healthy for couples to role play and share fantasies, especially sexual ones because it shows that they are mentally stimulated by the same things. And since sex is greatly motivated by a mental component rather than a physical one, couples who share similar fantasies, rather than those who have to coerce or persuade their partners to agree to them, are able to enjoy a connection of excitement that goes beyond the every day ins and outs of sex and the relationship as a whole. Particular to your situation, there are a few steps that you will need to take and it all begins with open dialogue and communication.

First you will have to talk about your relationship and why each if you want to fulfil this fantasy of having a threesome.

Next, you will need to start discussing ground rules and what each of you are and are not comfortable with. It is important to be VERY honest because there will be no room for hurt feelings or feelings of betrayal and mistrust later on. Also be aware that the nature of your relationship will change should you decide to invite someone else into your bed. For some couples it is a positive change while for others it is a negative one. How you both truly feel, how you prepare together, and if you follow your own personal set of rules while staying within your comfort zone as a couple will determine whether the outcome of this experience is a positive or a negative one.

After all that is considered then you can start discussing what each of you are looking for in a female that you would like to invite in, and also who is responsible for choosing her. Generally the person who is responsible for choosing the female to be invited in will be the dominant partner or the partner who will have most control over the sexual encounter.

A lot of couples leave this choice up to the woman because men understand that in order for things to truly be enjoyable, his woman has to feel most comfortable and relaxed. Most successful and happy couples who choose to live a lifestyle of inviting others in allow for the woman to take the lead. This makes sense because not only is it true that the more comfortable a woman is the more enjoyable sex will be for the male but also because females are more sexually discerning and have traditionally had the final say as to whether or not sex will take place.

However, there are couples who choose to allow the man to take the lead and choose the appropriate invitee. This works well for women who are of a submissive nature whose goal and pleasure it is to ensure that her man is receiving maximum pleasure. She literally gets pleasure from his pleasure. Don’t forget to discuss boundaries regarding how far you as a female will go in sexually interacting with the invited female as well as what will be considered appropriate communication with this female outside of sex. As a couple you will determine these boundaries but as a woman only you can personally determine what is comfortable to you regarding female on female intimacy. Many women fear the stigma of performing gay acts, and if you also have reservations, you will have to resolve this fear within yourself before you even attempt to have a threesome that involves another woman.

Furthermore, think about things like location as well. Will she be invited into your bed, will you as a couple go to her, or will you opt for a more neutral place for the encounter to take place? Remember fantasy is one thing but making it a reality is a whole other ball game. Think of the what ifs. What if he wants it again but I don’t? What if I want it again but he doesn’t? What if I want to invite another man and not a woman next time? I know that many do not agree with the idea of inviting others into their marriage or relationship and it surely is something extra special about a one-on-one relationship but inviting others in works for many couples so you will want to address any possible feelings of guilt that may result as well.

Just know that once that door is open your relationship will change from being that one-on-one kind that you have had.

Even if one or both of you have cheated, that is not the same as inviting someone in. Some couples decide that inviting others in is not for them, and they go on to appreciate their one-on-one bond more so it strengthens them. While others, not so much.

It’s a lot to consider, but most of all I would advise that you do not even think of taking this step unless your relationship is already rock solid.

These situations can bring up damaging issues of jealousy, insecurity, and distrust so never ever consider a threesome as a means of mending or rekindling a relationship. It is best to deal with the weakening relationship first.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have moved on with another man but I recently had sex with my ex. I don’t know why I did it really other than I guess I wanted to see if something was still there between us. Now I feel guilty and don’t know if I should tell the new guy or what. We have been dating for four months and I want to be honest with him but also do not want to lose him. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Sex With The Ex

Dear Sex With The Ex,

You should consider a few things before deciding whether or not to come clean with your new guy. First is why do you want to tell him? Do you think that it will ease your guilty conscience? Do you think that it is absolutely the right thing to do? Or is it a bit of both?

Next would be to question the nature of your relationship. Is this new relationship a committed one or is it more of a casual one? In the event that your relationship is one of commitment, you should strongly weigh your option to come clean. Committed relationships should be built upon trust and honesty and it can survive infidelity if you both are willing to fix underlying issues in order to move forward together. If your relationship has not yet reached the committed stage, ask yourself why is it exactly that you feel guilty. What is there to feel guilty about? In the case of non-commitment, you have not betrayed your relationship nor the trust of your partner. Could it be that you have betrayed no one but yourself? Do you hold for yourself higher standards of morals whereby you think that you should not have engaged in sex with anyone other than your current partner? If this is the case then coming clean to him will have little to no effect on making your current situation better. Sometimes admittance is the first step to letting go of guilt if we have offended or have wronged someone, but if you have only offended yourself, the only admittance needed is to yourself. You will have to turn to yourself and look within to resolve any issues of guilt that you may have. Sometimes when we do things that weigh heavily on our conscience the first thing we think to do is confess. In a way it is a method of releasing the internal burden of having to carry a secret and to alone deal with what we have done.

An act that seems selfless and rooted in honesty is, more often than we think, a very selfish act to avoid full responsibility for our choices. Nevertheless, some may say oh poor guy she should tell him so he knows what he is dealing with; and while I understand this point of view there is another to consider. When couples are determining whether or not to be committed there are factors that need to be thought out first. One being the issue of sexual monogamy. The truth is that relationships that are not stated to be monogamous or agreed to be commitment based are vulnerable to one or both partners deciding to carry in sexual relationships with other people. I know that we would like to think that we can have monogamy without commitment, but, unless explicitly stated and agreed upon, usually this is not the case and is a very unfair and selfish expectation. So look at the nature of your relationship, look within yourself to resolve your guilt, and move forward from there.