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‘Sex is all we guys really want’

One-track mind: one letter writer says most men take a relationship just for the sex but Dr Nekia takes issue with this

Dear Dr Nekia,

Last week you wrote that you don’t know why men think women cannot have sex with no strings attached. As a man, I can tell you that this is true. Some of you say that you can, and it starts out that way, but you all get attached and want more at some point and we guys are left looking like the bad ones because we have to cut you off.

I don’t know whether it is something in you-alls’ biology, psychology or chemical make-up, but you just can’t do what guys can. Personally, I would be all down for it if you all could. It would make life so much easier and more enjoyable for us men. Most of us do not want to settle down with just one woman, but we take the relationship in order to get the loyal, available sex. Kinda like we accept the bad in order to get the good. Imma keep it real, sex is all most of we guys really want.


Just Sex

Dear Just Sex,

Ok, a few things here. First, women have been having sex with no strings attached since the beginning of human existence. If women aren’t able to do that it may be because they’re confused by the boundaries of this male-dominated, New-Age friends with benefits business.

Social conditioning doesn’t help. Women are raised to behave in a certain way and to view sex in a certain way. We are even taught to accept or reject our bodies and their natural functions based upon expectations of the opposite sex. Likewise, men are taught and raised to view their sexuality in a certain way. The difference in the sexes and how they approach sex are largely due to social conditioning, not biological, psychological or chemical factors of absolutism. In some cultures, men are the monogamous ones; in others, men are the more promiscuous of the sexes. But no matter the culture, sexual activity creates a shared experience where bodies, minds and energies come together to share, exchange, create and enjoy one another in the moment. It is up to the individuals involved whether they will have further ties or not.

Secondly, just because women easily express emotions and mental states of attachment doesn’t mean that men do not carry these emotions as well. In fact, most men internalise these emotions in the form of anxiety, depression, anger and gluttony. Humans are social creatures who thrive on pairing and bonding. Once we, male or female, begin to denounce this part of us due to fear, resentment, denial, etc, we begin to present personalities that include all of the negative internalised emotions listed above. Our men are taught that these negative emotions are more manly and are characteristic of strength, when really they are not.

Which brings me to my third point. It is a special kind of mental disorder that causes a man to consider it normal, healthy and sound to think it OK to involve himself in relationships just to get “reliable, loyal sex”. No disrespect or judgment intended, but this exhibits a form of attachment anxiety that goes against mental soundness.

He has prevented himself from experiencing deeper human connections, but finds it important that the woman be loyal. So, in other words, it is better for the female to show connection or at least obligation to giving herself only to that male, while the male remains disconnected and lacking obligation to only her. It would seem that such a male has lost a grip on his emotional reality and is also quite comfortable in the world of sexual double standards built on insecurity and selfishness. If sex is all some men want, I feel sorry for them. Sex is wonderful and very enjoyable. It provides a release, and takes us to a place where we can forget about our daily troubles, but it can be so much more. A person can be so much more valuable to our lives and wellbeing if we learn to appreciate them for being more than sexual conquests. One of my favourite quotes is settling for crumbs does not keep you fed, it keeps you starving. And this is exactly what happens in the context of meaningless empty sex. You are getting crumbs; fulfilled for the moment, but soon hungry after. You keep searching for more to fill your appetite as it seems to never be satisfied. Meals are always more satisfying than crumbs, and sex based on connection is always better than meaningless sex. But if it is crumbs you want, there are plenty of women out there who are willing and very capable of making you their crumb too.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I hear that a lot of women are using period tracker apps to know when their fertile days are. Are these things true, or are they just novelty apps?


Knowing Fertile Days

Dear Knowing Fertile Days,

I am very familiar with the apps that you are referring to. There are quite a selection of them out there and they have become quite popular. I am glad to see that many more women are taking an interest in keeping record of their menstrual cycle, but I am not so thrilled with the inaccuracy of the apps.

Keep in mind that they use averages as their baseline data. In other words, your fertile days are more than likely being calculated based on the average twenty-eight day cycle period. If your period cycle is longer than twenty-eight days and you input this data, the app will then take the average ovulation date for women, which is fourteen days after the first day of your cycle. If your cycle is irregular, pinpointing your fertile days can be very problematic for the apps because fertile days are calculated by your ovulation date.

With irregular periods, ovulation dates often are irregular also. So, if you are irregular or your period experiences a sudden change, I would recommend that you not use these apps beyond them being a simple period journal. If on the other hand, you are regular, some of these apps do pretty well with predicting fertile days. Whether your cycle is regular or not, ovulation must occur for pregnancy and you only have about a 48-hour window to conceive around ovulation. However, keep in mind that sperm does live in the body for days at a time so most women are fertile for five days, give or take a day or two. I would advise using traditional methods of determining ovulation, and going ahead and using the app to log the information in.

Traditional methods include recording daily body temperature, and taking note of symptoms such as headaches, backaches, cramping, itching, increased vaginal discharge, mood swings, increased libido, etc. If you make note of these symptoms, in a few months’ time you should be able to see a trend and realise that your body changes at each stage of your menstrual cycle. Every woman is unique, so this is a great way to get to know and understand your personal body as well.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My man works very hard, and most days he works very long hours. When he comes home he really just wants to relax and, as you can imagine, when it comes to sex he has very little energy. I understand why he doesn’t have the energy and I appreciate the hard work that he does, but I feel like I am the one who is not being satisfied. Am I wrong for wanting more sex? How can I help him to get more energy?


Feeling Deprived

Dear Feeling Deprived,

If your man has little energy to devote to sex solely because he works long hours, then there is no other way to regain sexual energy other than to increase his amount of quality rest and nutrients. A man needs to be energised and well-nourished in order to meet his sexual demands; many men in our society are not.

This is the reason why male enhancement drugs and supplements have become so popular. These are only temporary fixes however, and most often they cause long-term harm. Even natural male enhancement supplements have ingredients in them that deplete the body further. Yes, they provide short-term boosts in stamina and desire, but the long-term effects are quite the opposite as they cause the male’s body to be further weakened. This is because many supplements are made from herbs and minerals that give the body a boost at the cost of demanding a lot from the body to digest and process them. In order to understand this better, think of substances such as sugar and caffeine. Both of these give the body that much-wanted energy boost, but it is not too long after that the body crashes and becomes even more tired than it was before ingesting them.

I would advise that you be more understanding of your man’s current physical demands. While I know it is no fun you being sexually frustrated and bored because all he does is sleep or lounge around, this is one of those times where you will have to both work together to find a solution. He can only give what he has to give so the answer is to find ways to boost his capacity to give. As I stated in the beginning, making sure that he gets quality rest and nutritious food will be positive steps in the right direction.

His body needs time to recover from working so much, and it also needs foods that build him up to prevent further fatigue. Encourage and support him in his efforts to make positive changes so that the both of you will benefit in the long run. And, if he cannot get more hours of sleep, focus on the kind of sleep that he does get. Invest in meditation music or blackout curtains. Make sure that his sleeping environment is clean, comfortable and quiet. You can also use calming essential oils such as lavender and chamomile as a spray on his pillow; add them to his body wash or soap if he takes a bath or shower before bedtime. One thing that I personally do if a man seems not to be getting quality sleep is I gently rub his chest or his upper back in a counterclockwise direction until he is soundly asleep. In the beginning this may work, but as soon as you stop rubbing, he will go back to showing signs of a restless sleep. However, go back to rubbing him again until you get too tired and, over time, you will train his body to know your touch. Once this happens, you will not need to put so much effort towards settling him down.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com