Dear Dr Nekia,

I know that this question may seem a bit odd, but is it possible for someone to have an orgasm in their rectum by having anal sex? I’ve heard of this before but I just don’t understand how it could be true.

Sincerely,

Back Entry Fun

Dear Back Entry Fun,

In order to answer this question, let’s take a look at the definition of orgasm. Many of us may think that we know what it is, but you just may be surprised at how little we really know about the big “O”. An orgasm is defined as a climax of sexual excitement. It is most commonly obtained from pleasure inside or centred around the genitals. Ok, so what is a climax? It is the most intense, exciting or important point of something. So simply put, this makes an orgasm the most intense, exciting, or important part of sexual excitement. When we think of orgasm most of us also think of ejaculation. We tend to view these two occurrences as happening at the same time so we use the words interchangeably. However, orgasm and ejaculation are separate events governed by different systems in the body. And so for the purpose of this question, let’s say that orgasm is a feeling response whereas ejaculation is an actual physical action. Once we separate the two, we can easily see how, yes, it is possible to experience an orgasm from anal sex. Orgasm, being a feeling of intense excitement, does not happen in, or originate from, any one particular part of the body, but is felt by the body in areas of pleasure. Some people experience it in the genitals, some in the anal area, some in the toes, some in the head, and others experience it throughout their entire body. The feeling of an orgasm is largely motivated by nerves firing throughout the nervous system, so anywhere there is a concentration or bundle of nerve endings in the body there is also the greatest potential for these nerves to signal feelings of intense pleasure. Now if you are asking whether or not anal ejaculation is possible, that is another question entirely.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Why is it that people who are in relationships and marriages, when being cheated on, act like they do not want to know even though they say that they would? I find that people always say that they would like to know, but when they do find out, they are in denial or even get mad at everyone besides who they should be mad at — their cheating spouse. Even the messenger gets flak for the information that they share, and most times they share information out of concern for the person being cheated on. It just makes no sense to me why people blame the whole world for the cheating and the actual cheater almost always gains forgiveness.

Sincerely,

This Makes No Sense

Dear This Makes No Sense,

As you have pointed out much of this has to do with denial of the situation itself, but there are some reasons why this tends to happen. I doubt that most of us think if we’re ever confronted with such a situation we would be in denial. We would like to think of ourselves as being strong enough to handle it, should it ever occur. We all should know that relationships come with risks, and one of those risks is infidelity. Nevertheless, when we are face to face with this reality, our minds tell us all sorts of things to help us cope with the feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes these thoughts are centred around revenge, but most often they are centred around denial. If we can successfully deny that something is true, we can convince ourselves that we do not have to deal with it. It is a very common response that comes about due to fear, anger and overwhelming emotions that lead to clouded thinking and judgment as the person tries to make sense of it all in a way that is least disruptive to the reality that they have created in their head. This reality may not reflect the truth but it is one that is very personal and very real to the individual. Anger can lead to denial, but denial can also lead to, or intensify, existing anger. This usually happens when the person is confronted with strong evidence that crushes their denial attempts. The individual may then project their anger onto others, such as the person presenting the evidence. This is not at all fair, nor does it help the situation, but what it does do is shift the focus from the actual problem of infidelity. Deflection is a tool that the mind uses to reason why you should not have to face the situation that you are in. It is far easier to believe that the whole world is wrong rather than to believe that the person you love and trusted in has not been as devoted to you as you thought or would have liked. Usually, the cheating partner and spouse goes forgiven. The aggression and anger is focused on others because, in order to get things back to normal, the person who is being cheated on has to believe that the cheater loves them.

We see this phenomenon with those who are in abusive relationships and marriages as well. The devotion to their abuser intensifies and others just cannot understand why. Of course, this method of moving on from infidelity is not healthy, is destructive, and is not at all similar to those who genuinely move on from infidelity as a healed couple.

Dear Dr Nekia,

How do you feel about prenups? I know that this is a sticky subject but I am engaged to be married and I am divided about if a prenup is wise or not. Most people I have asked say yes get one done, but I’m not too sure if I agree or not. I understand that a prenup would protect my financial assets but isn’t having one like saying you do not trust the person you are about to marry?

Sincerely,

Can’t Be Too Careful

Dear Can’t Be Too Careful,

Opinions and suggestions differ based on the perspective of the individual. For example, a pastor may advise something completely different from a financial adviser. Your lawyer may advise different from your fiancée’s parents and your friends may offer a different point of view from the one that you have. If you ask enough people you can easily become confused and unsure of what it is you truly feel and would like to do. But this does not have to be a negative thing. A wide selection of opinions can give you bits and pieces of valuable information that, if sorted through properly, can give you all the information that you need to make the best decision for yourself. Since you asked for my thoughts on the matter, I would have to say that while prenups do provide protection against unforeseen negative future events, it also does mean that you do not fully trust in the pending marriage. Now this could be because you do not fully trust your future spouse or because you do not have complete faith in the institution of marriage itself. Either way, no matter if the decision to have a prenup makes economical sense or not, its presence suggests some degree of distrust. Not all would agree with this of course, usually because they are focused on the protection side of things. But ask yourself, what are you protecting yourself from? If you have no trust issues then why do you feel the need to protect yourself from the person you love and are committing your life to? The very notion of protection, especially protection from a future event that may not even happen, points to there being a need to be guarded. People do not protect themselves where they feel secure. The need for protection comes from uncertainty, insecurity and fear — but arguably with good reason. After all, we hear so many stories of how divorce and break-ups cause people to become vengeful enemies, and how many people end up financially ruined because of it. You simply never know and you just can’t trust people these days. Ask yourself, if you view your fiancée as a person with the potential to harm you should the marriage dissolve, why are you marrying him or her? If your answer is because you love them, I would encourage you to dig deeper in your responses and keep digging until you hit the core reason.