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My man’s friend is making advances to me

Keep your distance: dealing with unwanted attention can be difficult

Dear Dr Nekia,

Should I tell my man that his close friend is coming on to me? I’ve been in a situation before where I told and it backfired on me. I was made out to be a liar. I really do not want to go through all of that again but I find it very disrespectful that this guy is coming on to me the way he does. When my man is there he acts like he could care less about me, but as soon as my man is not around he sends inappropriate texts, Facebook messages and makes inappropriate comments to me verbally. He even sent me a picture of his private parts with a message saying that he is thinking about me when he is alone late at night. I know that if my man were to know that his friend was doing all of this, it would hurt him because they are really close, but I just want the unwanted attention to stop.


His Friend Wants Me

Dear His Friend Wants Me,

This situation is more common than you think. Although we would like to believe that it is because of the way that we walk, talk, carry ourselves or dress, really it is not. All that a woman has to do in order to get male attention, whether positive or negative, wanted or unwanted, is be a woman. Many of us have to deal with unwanted sexual advances and when these situations occur, things can get really tricky for us. If we reveal the betrayal it may work out fine but it is also possible that we are called a liar. There is also the potential of not telling your man and running the risk of things escalating or it being a test of some sort that you have failed. If things were to escalate, by the time you got around to revealing the secret, your man could have grounds for being upset with you for keeping it from him.

He might see it as evidence of you encouraging the behaviour. If it is a test — yes, men do silly games like this to test the “hoe-ness” or level of promiscuity of a woman — you run the risk of failing. No matter what you choose to do, you run the very real risk of being made out to be the guilty party. Stay true to your principles. If his friend lies and your man takes his side, it will reveal just how trusting and secure your relationship is. In all fairness, it may be difficult for a man to wrap his head around the fact that a close friend would do this to him, so you should expect him to question you. In the meantime, take a more proactive approach by collecting evidence. Keep a record of Facebook messages, texts and photos. This guy is either too stupid or too confident to realise that he shouldn’t have left a trail of evidence. Block his access to every number and social media platform that he can reach you on. This way, if you do decide to inform your man what has been going on, he will have no choice but to believe you. In the event that he no longer sends you messages, wait till there is a potential for a verbal exchange and then hit the record button on your smart phone.

If none of these methods work for you, you will have to decide what is more important: keeping the secret or outing the friend so that you have peace of mind. If your man is truly invested in you and trusts you, he will not blame and criticise you.

Bros before hoes is a mental concept best left for the boys to dabble in; let’s hope that you are dealing with a grown man here.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been dating for a while and want to settle down. The problem is that so many men do not want the same. I have been seeing someone who wants to settle down with me and get married but I am not feeling him like that. We have good times but there are a lot of issues that alarm me and if I am honest, I know that I will not be completely happy with him. Still, I am considering it because he at least has a steady job and has some values that I like. With Bermudian men, everything seems to be about sex, drinking, having fun and doing their thing. I am beginning to see why so many women think that settling for half a man is better than having no man at all.


Prepared To Settle

Dear Prepared To Settle,

Since this relationship is not very fulfilling you will have to question why you have remained in it. Why would you rather choose to have half a man than none at all? This reveals that you are prepared to receive only a portion of your wants and needs. Make a list of everything you feel a man should offer you then determine what is the most important. Review the list to see which of those items you can fulfil yourself.

From there, begin to meet your wants and needs where possible. Of course, this in no way is going to substitute for male companionship and I am not promoting the feminist perspective where a woman does not need a man.

What I am promoting is self-love. There will be those things on your list that you cannot fulfil. Even though they may be very important to you, do not focus on them right now. The goal here is to build up your self-esteem, self-worth and self-love to the point where you view yourself as being too worthy to settle. Happiness comes to those who choose it. Situations, people and things cannot make you happy or less lonely, they can only enhance your internal happiness. So work on finding it.

What does a woman do when she does not want to compromise and doesn’t want to be alone? She finds herself. Then she understands herself. She accepts herself. She respects herself. And finally she loves herself. Once you are there, your mind and heart begin to make a positive shift. You begin to radiate confidence, self-respect and self-love. Ironically, this is when most of us find our best males. Does this guarantee that you will meet the perfect man, settle down, get married, and be happy — no. But what it does guarantee is that you will not enter into toxic relationships and that you will be more centred and able to make appropriate relationship decisions for yourself. We are not all going to find our prince and get married, this is a fact. But there are many different forms of relationships that can provide you with what you need. Friends with benefits is one of those possible relationships.

The difference would be that you wouldn’t be looking for love and complete devotion while knowing they weren’t on offer.

Leave those fellas alone who do not take you seriously. Chances are, if they are all about sex, drinking, fun and doing their own thing, they find no value in themselves. Shift from wondering why so many men are this way, to wondering how to get yourself right.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com