‘We live in a society of lazy lovers’
Dear Dr Nekia,
After reading your column, I mentioned the possibility of exploring conscious sex with my husband but he is not open to it. We have been discussing things to spice up the bedroom lately but he would rather do something simple, like try toys. How can I get him on board? Right now he says that it just seems like a lot of reading and work that he feels will take away from the enjoyment of sex.
Ready To Explore
Dear Ready To Explore,
I fear that we live in an age and a society filled with lazy lovers. Not everyone fits into this category and some of us have good excuses for it — like medical reasons — but we pretty much have come to be lazy because of our diets, lifestyles and overall attitudes towards sex.
Religion, sex education, and society in general control what we think and feel about sex unless we make the effort to explore our sexuality on our own.
We became sexually active with a preconceived notion of who, what, when, where and how it all should be.
My point here is not to speak out against sex education, but rather to bring awareness to the fact that most of us have a very narrow view of sex because of our environment. Because of this most of us have formed sexual habits that are merely adequate at best and as a result, we tend to lean towards sexual boredom and being unfulfilled.
Some of us remedy this with easy tactics such as toys, games and inviting others in; many settle for simply not being satisfied. Conscious sex fills in many of the holes in what we have been taught. It teaches intimate details about our bodies, our mental and emotional connection to sex, and how to feel, share and create the energy to take our partners and ourselves to another level of intimacy and ecstasy.
It will mean unlearning beliefs and practices that have crippled your sex life and relearning those that will cause your sex life to mature. This is not a fast track to sexual nirvana and it does take time and effort to become familiar with. Some of us do not have the attention span to sit and read books; others simply do not have the time.
Conscious sex is taught in multimedia formats as well as books, and you will have to make the time. You should view it as an important investment in yourself and your lover(s).
I have never met a person who would not like to experience more sexual pleasure. In your case I would urge you to consider that your husband's reluctance may be due to a bit of ignorance about the topic as well as a bit of ego-based fear.
He may be taking this as a sign that you do not think that he is adequate. Because men tend to shy away from things they are not sure they will be good at, try to reassure him that you will be learning each step together.
However, as instant gratification is the main motivator of why we have sex the way that we do, go ahead and use adult toys while simultaneously incorporating lessons on conscious sex. There is no rush, so take your time and maybe add a technique or two with every week that passes.
Chances are that he will not even know that he is learning about conscious sex and once into it, he will look forward to each week bringing something new. Go ahead and satisfy your curiosity to learn, and then feed the fruits to your husband.
Dear Dr Nekia,
My boyfriend and I ended our three-month relationship.
Well, it is more like he ended things. I know that we were having problems and couldn't see eye to eye but I thought that we could work it out because we loved each other. I found out that he was not into the relationship as much as I thought he was and now I can't stop crying.
I gave him my all, only to find out that he gave me very little in return. I am not sure why he led me on or why he thought it was OK to be in a relationship that he really did not want to be in, but it hurts like hell to be broken up. What can I do to move on and stop the tears?
Stop My Tears
Dear Stop My Tears,
As with many love stories that come to an end, there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that you got hurt and, for whatever reason, you may have been deceived. More bad news is that there is really nothing that you can do to avoid the emotions that you are going through and, contrary to what many would tell you, you really shouldn't try. It is a part of the mourning process. A relationship brings all the positive emotions of love, happiness, contentment, and hope for the future and when it ends, it leaves behind despair, and sorrow.
People who try to shut off their emotions following a break-up carry those negative emotions and resentments forward and this prevents them from truly being happy with someone else.
There are two tips for getting through a heartbreak that I have always found to be useful:
1. Shift your focus
Don't dwell on why he hurt you. You may never know the answer to this and you will only cause yourself more unnecessary pain by going through all of the scenarios in your head. Don't dwell on the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship. These were just thoughts and visions which you attached emotions to; they were never real. Focus on yourself instead. Take an honest look at the role that you played in the relationship. See what lessons you can learn from it. If we are honest, we can all look back on failed relationships and see how we played a part in how things went. It may be that we should have paid more attention to the signs and never been with the person in the first place, it may be that we didn't not listen to our intuition in those moments when things did not feel right. Whatever the case, there is something empowering about accepting this and learning from it.
2. Don't be too hard on yourself
Many times we feel dumb for being too trusting, getting played, or being hurt, but the truth is that we are supposed to trust and we are supposed to embrace each relationship experience with an open heart. Do not blame yourself for the other person's poor judgment and character. In a case such as yours, where you gave so much of yourself only to find that he gave so very little in return, you should put things into perspective. You are crying so much because you feel as though you have lost him. Well, the truth of the matter is that if he gave very little, then you never had him in the first place. If anything, because you gave yourself to him, he is the one who comes out to be the loser because he has lost you. He very well may not have valued you so he also may not even realise his loss but we all are losers whenever we choose to mistreat someone who is giving us their heart.
As human beings we absorb one another's energy, are heart- rather than brain-centred and are very much dependent upon healthy connections with others. It is a fool who tries to convince themselves otherwise. So, in the end, you are better for letting go this relationship. If your despair lingers longer than you feel it should, I suggest that you seek further counselling to help you through it. There is no shame or weakness in that. I wish you well.
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