I don’t want to share myself with him
Dear Dr Nekia,
I am with a man who I love but, because of the problems that we are having in our relationship, I do not want to be intimate with him. I find myself not only avoiding sex, but also not wanting him to kiss or touch me.
When we do have sex, I pretty much just lay there because even though my body wants sex, I do not want it with him. Our relationship has left me feeling neglected and betrayed and I just don’t feel to share myself with him. I have let him know how I feel but he says I am overreacting and it is all in my head. I am ready to make the very difficult decision to end the relationship. Is there anything else that I can do to avoid having to make that decision?
Don’t Want Him To Touch Me
Dear Don’t Want Him To Touch Me,
Unfortunately you have let the problems of your relationship go on for so long that you have begun the process of withdrawal. Two factors exist here that will almost certainly determine the inevitable end: one of you has checked out of the relationship and the other is avoiding the realities of it. This means that neither one of you is really committed to it working out.
You cannot do anything about his refusal to face your relationship concerns, however, I do understand how that has caused you to no longer want to be intimate. I would suggest that you stop allowing him to have sex with you altogether. Sex is usually a very important, intimacy-building and mending act, however, if you are feeling betrayed and neglected, it becomes harmful as you will transfer your feelings of violation into your sexual life.
This has already begun to happen as you admit that you “just lay there”. This must be very dissatisfying for you. If you start feeling the need to take a long shower after, or if you become increasingly angry, frustrated or depressed directly following sex, these are signals that your unhappiness is progressing.
It takes two to make a relationship work, and if your partner is unwilling to acknowledge, face, accept and work on correcting the problems within the relationship, there is no hope for salvaging it. He will simply continue to deny any wrong and your relationship will deteriorate as you feel more and more unloved.
Ending an unhealthy relationship with someone that you love is never an easy decision, but sometimes it is the best decision that we can make for ourselves. The longer you agree to stay in the relationship, the more you reinforce your acceptance of things and the more you send the message that you think that this is what you deserve.
Men, in particular, often answer “because she let me” when asked why they treated a woman in a certain way. Men tend to lose any sense of responsibility or accountability for their woman’s feelings or wellbeing the more accommodating she is to them and their dysfunction.
We believe that we are being understanding, loyal, good women to them, but really we are teaching them that we do not think ourselves worthy of more than what they give. You alone can make the decision to be happy and find love.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I have heard that a man can smell when a woman is turned on. I know that this happens in animals and dogs, but does it really happen with humans too? It seems crazy to me.
Can I Smell Sexy
Dear Can I Smell Sexy,
Yes this is very much true! Remember that we are mammals too. Some men are well aware of this scent of attraction and use it to their advantage, while others are oblivious to it and simply act out of instinct.
Both men and women give off a particular scent that attracts the opposite sex to them. Much like other animals, males and females have a sexual cycle as well. Most of us do not bother to chart our sexual highs and lows, so we really would not know that there is a pattern or a cycle to it, but it is so.
Women, in particular, give off a variety of scents that indicate what stage of her menstrual cycle she is in. Typically, the scent of being in heat can be easily picked up on by your partner during the time surrounding ovulation, but a similar smell can be given off right after the menstrual flow has stopped.
Nature has done a very good job of making sure that we women get pregnant, and women often smell and look more attractive to the opposite sex when there is the greatest likelihood of doing so.
So strong are pheromones, the chemicals that make up the scent of attraction, that many perfume companies are doing their best to mimic and bottle them for resale. Chemists know that certain scents are irresistible to the human nose, and nature makes the most irresistible of them all.
Still not sure whether or not you believe this scent of attraction business but want to attract a mate? Try using musky scents instead of floral, and skip the vanilla and reach for fruits instead.
•Want relationship advice? E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org