‘I have issues with my guy’s daughter’
Dear Dr Nekia,
I thought that I met the perfect guy but I am having a hard time dealing with his daughter. I don't mind that he has a child, but it is hard for us to have a normal relationship because he is a single father and his daughter has special needs.
It is very difficult to make plans and keep dates because he rarely has time away from her and she is in and out of doctors' appointments.
I feel bad about ending things because of this, but I just don't see how things will work out.
Finding someone you feel may be a perfect intimate fit for you is one thing, but having that same person fit perfectly into your life and ideals is another. You will have to decide if your connection to this gentleman is strong enough to withstand the lifestyle adjustments that will be needed to accommodate the special needs that his relationship with his daughter will require.
You should do this sooner rather than later to avoid attachment and emotional harm that may be done should you choose to separate from him and his daughter.
Children, especially those with special needs, can be very sensitive to break-ups, and you would not want for his daughter to feel guilt or grief upon your leaving.
You will need to be honest with yourself and try not to focus any guilt attached to your decision.
Make the best choice for you because in the long run, if you are unhappy, stressed or unfulfilled, resentment and tension will build within the relationship and, no matter how perfect he may be for you, things will end poorly.
Alternatively, you could share your anxiety, reservations and concerns with your perfect guy and choose to take things at a slower pace that is comfortable for you both.
You may be feeling disappointed and underwhelmed by the way that things are going, and sometimes a step back and a deep breath is all that is needed to recharge a relationship.
Should you choose to remain in the relationship, try seeking the advice of others in similar positions, or joining a support group.
If you cannot find a suitable one in Bermuda, look online. Group members can offer encouragement, moral support, effective ways and creative ideas for keeping your relationship with both father and daughter healthy and strong.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I am in a relationship with a very kind and loving gentleman whom I've been with for over a year now.
At first, the sex was great for me but of late I've noticed I don't have a desire for it and the chemistry is not there. He's a great guy and shows me nothing but love and affection, however he doesn't have a backbone — I say that with the greatest of respect.
Decision making/planning he doesn't do and neither does he take the lead as the man in the relationship.
He's very comfortable with just going along with the flow, and so I wonder if this could have an effect on the way I'm feeling.
Chemistry Not There
Dear Chemistry Not There,
Because you felt it necessary to express your feelings regarding his laid-back demeanour it would be my guess that these feelings are most certainly affecting your level of attraction to him.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, sex can seem exciting and fulfilling because a great portion of sexual attraction to new lovers comes from the thrill of hope and possibility. The unknown and positive outlook that we have about the other person and the destiny of the relationship is a major motivating factor in our openness and sexual desire for them.
Once the relationship matures however, it is not uncommon that some, or most of the feelings of desire and attraction will wane if we find our hopes and outlook not being met. This is true whether our expectations are sexual or not, and is often the case when our vision of who we created our lover to be gives way to the reality of who they really are.
In your case, while most people value a kind, gentle and generous spirit, it is obviously important to you that your man is also what's traditionally described as masculine. Your ideal man would need a balance of softness and the aggressiveness necessary for leadership. This is quite common among women. We seek out our familiar feminine qualities that are rather gentle and indicate a man's ability to love, yet we still desire the masculine qualities that reflect his ability to assert himself. Nevertheless, it sounds as though your companion's endearing qualities are valued by you enough that you have chosen to remain in the relationship, so I would suggest that you be completely honest with him about your feelings. Let him know that you honour his loving nature but that you also need him to take charge at times. Explain to him that it is a turn on for you, and will increase your excitement for him in and out of the sheets. Usually men respond to constructive criticism favourably and less defensively if you attach the reward of sex. Do not be afraid to figure it out for yourself, and then ask for what is important to you.
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