So what exactly is Christmas cheer anyway?

“Christmas Cheer” is that thing which is often referred to as the season “to be jolly”. It’s that feeling of joy, warmth and nostalgia that people get when the jingle bells start jingling! That’s bull faeces!

It’s the single holiday that I dread the most, and that’s saying something. There is nothing worse in the world than cricket, but I’ll take the Cup Match holiday over the Christmas holiday any day.

It’s the holiday you plan for 11 months in advance, worrying about what you will get the wife next Christmas. I could see she was not impressed with the Dyson vacuum cleaner I got her last year; I have no idea why. Indeed, it will make life easier for her to clean up after me.

It’s the only time of the year that you take down the lights in the garden and tree, treating them with kid gloves and testing them before you put them away, hoping they will work next year. Still, you know damn well that only half will perform the following Christmas; I am confident that the bulb manufacturer set in a self-destruct mechanism in them so that around April, something goes off and blows the bulbs or raises my blood pressure further, only half the string works.

Then comes the Christmas meal itself. There is no surprise in it if you get invited to someone’s house for Christmas lunch. You never know what you will be having, and you already know it’s going to be dried-out turkey meat, rubbery ham served with gloopy mashed potatoes that tastes and looks so much like glue that you can use it to put together your kite on Good Friday. Not to mention that demon vegetable Brussels sprouts, and all served with lots of lumpy gravy. The only thing that can give me a little joy from this meal is the cassava pie.

The other pointless rituals we seem to do at this meal are pulling the Christmas crackers. People paying good money to buy the leftover bit of a toilet roll, with a paper hat in it, which when worn makes you look like a short-order cook — a present that makes the prize in the Cracker Jack box look like a diamond ring and a joke that is as funny as my Belco bill.

We also have some very irritating customs this time of year. Like going out to find the ugliest, most obnoxious Christmas sweater. What happened to us as a species when we say, ‘I’m going to town and buy the ugliest piece of clothing I can find?’ Then we have those who wear Santa hats, or strings of battery-operated Christmas lights around their neck … and they think it’s cute. Trust me people, it’s not!

Then come to the end of the meal where you are all herded like lost sheep into the living room, and to do what? Sing karaoke and play games or watch classic Christmas movies. Are you kidding? Enough is enough!

At this point, I say, ‘Leave me the hell alone!’ I’ll sit down, undoing my pants, knowing I’ll be snoring in about 30 seconds. Whew! Finally, there’s peace on my Earth.

Bah humbug!