s you read this, the British are going to the polls to elect a new government. They're essentially being offered a choice between two men. One is Labour's Tony Blair, a man who stole a 12-year-old doctoral thesis from the Internet to justify a war no-one wanted.

The other is the Conservative's Michael Howard, a man once described by one of his own MPs as having “something of the night” about him. It's an uninspiring choice.

About the only thing the Conservatives have going for them is that they're no longer being led by a moron.

In Mr. Howard, they finally have a leader with the gravitas and experience necessary for you to be confident that he won't ask “what does this button do?” while inspecting the country's nuclear missile silos. Since Mr. Howard took charge, the Conservatives have closed the gap on Labour, although probably not by enough to win today.

Still, I couldn't vote for him. The Conservatives were as keen to go and shoot up Iraq as Labour, and they seem to harbour a visceral hatred of anything foreign, be it the EU or those pesky asylum seekers. As kids they probably enjoyed using aerosols and cigarette lighters to set fire to spiders. Frightful bunch.

So who am I voting for, then? I'll tell you: nobody.

Don't get me wrong. It's not because I'm cynical about British politics or the likelihood of my vote making a difference, although I am. I would dearly love to give Tony Blair a bloody nose for spending most of his second term as George Bush's poodle. I don't like to see grown men sniffing each other's behinds, especially when it involves sending British troops into harm's way for reasons that are as shabby as the American President's sentence structure.

You see, although I can vote in UK elections for the next decade or so, I really shouldn't be allowed to. The Inland Revenue may still be sending me tax returns (damn them!), but I own next to nothing in the UK any more and am essentially no longer paying any tax.

I no longer use the hospitals or the public transport system (thank God) and if al-Qaeda detonates a dirty bomb in Trafalgar Square because Tony and George are such good mates, it's not going to affect me.

If they kick out all the immigrants so there's no longer anyone willing to clean the toilets or wait tables, well, that's not going to affect me either. Frankly, Britain can pretty much go to hell in a handbasket for all I care.

Realising this, lesser men might take the opportunity to play a huge practical joke on their countrymen.

They might start up a worldwide network of Brits abroad, who, if they all voted as one, might be able to put the Official Monster Raving Loony Party into Number 10. But not me.

I'd just like to be able to vote in the country whose Government make decisions that directly impact my life, where I pay taxes. If a bunch of politicians are going to enrich themselves at my expense, I want a say in which bunch of politicians it's going to be. And I see no reason why I should have to wait until I've been married to my wife for ten years to do so.

Oh, I know no-one agrees with me on this. Foreigners should consider themselves lucky they're permitted to live here at all. Foreigners should be grateful that they're allowed to publicly express their opinions, be it on a website or in a national newspaper.

Foreigners need to understand that there are enough expats, spouses of Bermudians (love the acronym) and long-term residents that they could actually make a difference to the outcome of an election here (perish the thought).

Foreigners need to understand that, as most of them are white, that would skew the elections towards the UBP, since it's unreasonable to expect the PLP to do anything to appeal to white voters. Spouses of Bermudians need to understand that waiting ten years for a piece of paper is what demonstrates commitment to a country, not anything as trivial as marriage or where they choose to make their home.

And if those foreigners don't like it, they can damn well go back to their own country.

I'm aware that other countries have similar restrictions on foreign voters (though it's ironic that Bermudians living in the UK vote in today's election). That's irrelevant. They're wrong too.

What I'm talking about here is basic fairness. “No taxation without representation!” cried the advocates of American independence from Great Britain in the eighteenth century. Quite.

Give me the vote or give me back my taxes.

Phillip Wells

www.limeyinbermuda.com