Often, these days, scripts for TV commercials and sitcoms and such, call for what is loosely described as "a New York dog".

To explain to you the difference between a New York dog and any other dog, I have to tell you a story. Actually, I don't have to, but it's a helluva good story and I'm looking for an excuse to tell it.

So here it is: Once upon a time, the actress Pia Zadora played Anne Frank on Broadway. She did such a terrible job that when the Gestapo came in, from stage left, to search the house for her, a voice from the balcony yelled out: "She's in the attic!"

That voice came from the human equivalent of a New York dog -intelligent, quick and uncompromising. A worldly, capable-of-being-cynical dog like that Chihuahua that says, "Oh, great. A talking gecko" on television. (His name is Max, and he lives in Spanish Harlem ... really.)

Other dogs in the world are apt to have a slightly goofy look - well-groomed, well-mannered, good-natured, yes, but with just a hint of the Midwest patsy about them - like a Spaniel, say, or a Golden Retriever.

A New York dog is stylish and streetwise. Think "Go ahead, punk. Make my day," from a Shih Tzu in a shiny black raincoat.

If you think I'm exaggerating, I should tell you that I know whereof I speak. I was once an assistant to a busy New York dogwalker for a time. It was an unpaid position, so the good Consul General needn't get excited.

One of the, uh … clients with whom I walked was a whippet named Lulu. You know what whippets are like. Lulu wore leopard-skin on cool days, and had eyes that would put horns on John Ashcroft. I think she must have spent her days watching old Mae West movies in her apartment, because when she strolled down Seventh Avenue with her nose in the air, every male on the street, dog or human, strained at his leash.

New York dogs are more like humans than world dogs. The reason may have something to do with the large number of single people who live there. They have dogs for company, and their dogs aren't their pets, really, they're more like spouse substitutes. When a New Yorker talks to Fido (actually, scratch that, Fido isn't a New York dog's name. The most popular dog's names there are Max, Lucky, Princess, Rocky, Buddy, Lady, Shadow, Daisy, Coco and Ginger)...so why don't we say that when a New Yorker talks to Buddy or Ginger, there's no baby talk...no snookums-wookums stuff ... it's straight friend-to-friend talk.

The dogs respond. Once they shake off the impression that their role is that of slightly gaga two-year old child, they start to act like … well, like grown-ups. Maybe they read the papers when their friends are at work … who knows what happens. But the upshot is that a New York dog is a dog you can talk to.

New York Magazine published a series of pictures of dogs owned by prominent New Yorkers. One of them was Jazzy, a Yorkshire terrier owned by Cindy Adams, a tough gossip columnist for the New York Post. Adams told the magazine: "If I could put mayonnaise on him, I'd eat him."

She had her furrier make Jazzy a red mink coat for his birthday (I guess salaries for journalists in New York must have edged ahead of those in Bermuda), and she threw the little pooch a party, inviting 20 of his closest friends. Mary Tyler Moore brought Shana, a schnauzer adopted from a New Jersey shelter. Joan Rivers arrived with two Yorkies (Lulu and Veronica) and a bulldog (Spike). Bryant Gumbel came with his tiny white Maltese, Cujo.

"If anything happened to my dog," says Adams, "I'd go under the wheels of a speeding truck."

That was a bit of an exaggeration. Jazzy died some time after his picture was published. Adams thought better of the truck thing and started a line of dog clothing, called Jazzy Couture (now available at Saks) instead.

Bernadette Peters was another of those interviewed, She has a mixed terrier called Kramer. "Kramer reminds me of Kevin Kline," she says, "sensitive and goofy." She found Kramer at a city shelter in 1998. A few months later she and her husband, Michael, adopted Stella, a boxer mix, at another shelter.

"One evening I came home and Michael had ordered takeout ribs for the dogs," Peters said. "The three of them were sitting on the floor eating."

A third of New York Magazine's interviewees, Diana Haas, is an art director for a magazine in New York. She has a small dog called Gringo.

"I spotted Gringo in a small village in Mexico," she says. "Some kids were swinging him by his tail and pouring hot soup on him." When she took him home to New York, "Gringo was terrified of children, so I got him a therapist." Now, Haas says, he's healthy inside and out: "Look at his teeth. I brush them every night."

The New York Times recently published a bunch of New York dog statistics. There are something like 530,000 of them, only 20 percent of which (perhaps I should say whom) are licensed. Tough dogs like pit bulls (and cynical Chihuahuas) are found in Spanish Harlem and Alphabet City. Daintier dogs tend to be on the Upper East Side. The Lower East Side has a ton of pugs. Poodles are more likely to be found in the outer boroughs, if not in New Jersey. Twenty percent of New Yorkers aged between 18 and 24 own dogs. Only five percent of New Yorkers aged over 65 own dogs. Seven percent of blacks own dogs. Fourteen percent of whites own dogs. And 17 percent of Hispanics own dogs.

The numbers make it clear that dogs can be big business. There's a Petco (pet supply shop) on Union Square that's as big as a supermarket.

This is from the New York Sun last November:

"High-end designers from Burberry to Ralph Lauren now offer styles for your schnauzer in everything from sweaters to pet carriers to 'dog cologne' (which retails for $57.50 at Ralph Lauren)…

"But you don't need to spend a bundle to keep your pooch looking good. This winter, H&M is introducing 1950s-inspired fashions for dogs. Offerings include shiny plastic raincoats, nylon jackets with checked linings, and polka-dotted dog carriers, as well as collars and leashes. A black studded collar will retail for $5.90, while the dog carriers will sell for $14.90."

A well turned-out dog is important - canine New York is a very social town indeed. Every time a dog goes out for a walk - twice a day at least - he or she meets other dogs. They chat. Their handlers chat. For a socially-needy handler it can be more effective than a personal ad in the Voice.

And speaking of the Voice, it publishes, in its indispensable annual User's Guide to New York City, a list of the popular dog runs in New York. Even if you don't have a dog, watching the goings-on is as much fun as going to the zoo.

The most popular is Tompkins Square Park, but I'm more familiar with the one in Washington Square, of which the Voice Guide says this:

"For sheer entertainment, you can't beat Washington Square Park's well-situated doggy play zone (West 4th and Thompson streets). On one side, a magician wows a crowd; on the other someone tries to sell you drugs. Yes, there's something for everyone, including the mutts, who dig in the gravel, jump onto the benches, and zoom around the ice-cream-cone-shaped area at full speed." All true … the only thing they left out was the ever-present cloud of plain clothes cops trying to nail the drug dealers.

You can take a dog on the subway in New York, but it's best to carry it in a bag or one of those portable carrier-things. There's a rule against "big dogs" on the subway, but the subway people don't define what big is, so if you make sure you don't try to travel during rush hour, you'd be surprised what you can get away with. If you're stuck - there are pet taxis. Just don't try to order one during rush hour, when they are really at their busiest, on contract runs to take the better-off owners' dogs to and from day care centres.

It's easy to find a list of hotels that allow dogs to stay with their owners (try www.sleeping-around.com). Half of the owners of dogs downtown checked in to hotels after 9/11 for a couple of days to help their little friends get over the shock. But if your dog is travelling alone, there are also hotels in New York where he or she can stay alone … or with a friend. The Ritz Canine is always a popular choice, perhaps because among other things, it boasts a large swimming pool.

And food? Well, if you're a thoughtful New York owner, you'll eschew mere cans of this and that from Petco. You'll buy Throw Me a Bone: 50 Healthy, Canine-Tested Recipes for Snacks, Meals, and Treats, written by New Yorker Cooper Gillespie for Simon & Schuster, and whip something specially tasty up.

If you want to do even better than that, just remember something Lulu liked to remind me about. When it comes to food, what dogs would really, really prefer is … whatever it is you're having.

@EDITRULE:

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