Tucked away at the easternmost end of Bermuda is the Town of St. George. Bermuda?s only World Heritage site, it?s also my home. Most Bermudians may only bother to visit once or twice in their lifetimes, but that suits me just fine. It keeps the narrow, cobbled streets quiet, the historic buildings unperturbed by modernity, the faces friendly and familiar. Nestled on the edge of a comfortably small harbour, whose water glitters in the sun, it?s an idyllic place to live. Until, in April, the cruise ships come.

For the next eight months, these gargantuan, smoke-spewing behemoths blockade our docks, obscure our harbour, and disgorge hordes of rampaging Hun into our streets.

Our quaint, narrow alleyways clog with slow-moving, sandal-wearing tourists sporting grey socks pulled halfway up their corpulent calves. Attempting to drive through these slow-witted ruminants is akin to negotiating an English country lane filled with cattle. You?re forced to ease slowly forward, an occasional nudge from your bumper necessary to persuade the duller members of the herd, motionlessly watching your approach, to move out of the way.

The soot from the leviathans settles on our houses, turning white roofs and shutters a sickly grey. The parties on their sterns keep us awake past midnight, especially if the wind is blowing from the south. Taxis become impossible to find, and the buses to and from Hamilton jam with day-trippers.

This doesn?t just alienate ill-tempered locals such as myself. Many of our other visitors don?t like it either. I know several non-cruisers who have echoed former Tourism Minister Jim Woolridge?s recent comment that crowds of cruise-ship visitors are a big turn-off. ?The hoi polloi,? one referred to them, disdainfully. If that seems a little snobbish, remember that it?s the discerning traveller that Bermuda is supposedly trying to attract.

I might be prepared to tolerate some desecration of my neighbourhood if I knew that the cruisers were actually spending some money here. But according to the Government?s Quarterly Bulletin of Statistics, in 2004 cruise ship passengers were responsible for only 15 percent of the total spending by Bermuda?s visitors. In 2003 this figure was 16 percent; in 2002, 12 percent; and in 2001 a mere 11 percent.

Even taking into account spending by the cruise ship crew, that 15 percent rises to only 17 percent. The cruise ships? total contribution to Bermuda?s economy is boosted by taxes and fees, but of course the hotels and the airlines pay taxes and fees too.

As you might imagine, I?m unsympathetic to the idea of blowing up part of Bermuda in order to accommodate mega-ships packed with more of these heathens. We only have 21 square miles as it is. As if the loss of the land wasn?t bad enough, the plans to widen and dredge Town Cut and Two Rock Passage may result in unpredictable changes to waves and currents in the two harbours, and the destruction of some of our coral reefs. Fantastic! Where do I get my dynamite?

Secretly, I think Tourism Minister Ewart Brown would also like to get rid of the cruisers. Back in January, he set several goals for Bermuda?s tourism industry. One was to increase air arrivals to 400,000 over the next three years. Another was to increase per person visitor spending by seven percent. Banning the cruise ships would result in some would-be cruisers arriving by air instead; by eliminating the tight-fisted arrivals, average visitor spending would rise.

Oh, don?t get me wrong. The mega-ships are not without their advantages. Being newer and more expensive, they tend to attract a more upscale customer than those on the older ships that currently dock in St. George?s and Hamilton. The new ships are also better at handling their waste. But with no need for their passengers to seek out food, accommodation, or entertainment on the Island, the economic benefit they would bring is likely to remain slight. Thus I see no reason why we should go out of our way to re-engineer St. George?s and Hamilton to accommodate them.

Dockyard is already capable of handling the mega-ships. So let?s develop it as our primary cruise ship berth. Let?s expand its facilities so it can handle two mega-ships at once. Let?s improve its transport links with the rest of the Island. If ferries to and from Hamilton and St. George?s were fast and regular, being berthed in the West End would be little inconvenience. We?re only 21 miles long, for crying out loud. In the States, people drive that far to get a pizza.

But let?s leave our other ports untouched. If the number of ships that visit Bermuda starts to decline as a result, so be it. We?ll adapt.

And maybe a little serenity will return to St. George?s too.